Unfixable ?

You know, even though I have not cheated on my wife, she still harbors some resentment towards me. I recall showing her a picture of the two of us early in our marriage, and she said that the girl in the picture was dead before she shut down. I do not want to be with someone if I am making them miserable. There seems to be nothing I can do to change her state of mind. She will do anything for our kids, but she does not seem interested in exercising, helping around the house, or spending time with just me.  In my mind, it is already a dead marriage.

Now I acknowledge that I am partly to blame for this.  Our house used to be very well kept inside.  When people came over, some remarked that it looked like a demo.  When the kids came along, everyone wanted to give them toys.  Don’t get me wrong, we appreciated the gesture, but after a while, your eyes get big when you see large boxes because you are wondering where you are going to put them.  Cleaning them up seemed like shoveling sand against the tides.  And none of them can be donated or thrown away!!  Maybe the younger sibling will want to play with them one day.  Now that day has come and gone.  Some things have sentimental value, I get that, but for most things, if you don’t use it in 6 months or a year, do you really need it?  We both used to work full time, but my wife became a stay at home mom.  Somehow, it became my fault that the house is not as clean as it should be.  She gave up.  Said she learned it from me.  Well the kids are past toys, now and have more of a sense of order.  I know.. first world problems.  Maybe I should have been a better parent and husband.

There have been some tragedies in our life.  We lost a child before birth between our oldest and youngest, which is more than 10 years ago now.  My wife lost her father, who I was very close to both of us about 6 years ago.  He’s probably shaking his head about all of this nonsense now.  I want to take care of his daughter and my wife, but she seems unwilling to accept help in the forms I have to give.  Yes, I can be an ass at times, and frustrating, but show me 2 people that don’t do this, and I’ll show you a great act.

So I guess I have kind of given up.  What can I do?  If she had to have an affair to start acting like herself even for a little while, I would be okay with it.  She would probably be angry with me for suggesting it.  Besides, if I suggested it, she would probably never do it.  I don’t want her to have an affair, I just want her to be some semblance of who she once was, and I’m probably the outlier in that I would want to know about it.  She’s a great mom.  She’s probably a better mom than I am a dad.  It just seems the only thing we have in common now is the kids.  I do not believe staying together for the kids is always the answer, and I speak from experience.

When I was growing up, my younger sibling and I would hear my parents having arguments.  Not physical confrontations, but very loud and vocal.  Who knows what they were yelling about, but mom seemed, well not happy with him.  This affected us kids.  My dad would get upset sometimes because it seemed the kids were “siding with” my mom more than him.  One Christmas, he almost left us.  I can remember my sibling and I standing at the bedroom door and begging him to stay as he was packing a bag.  With tears streaming down our faces, we told him we loved him.  He ended up staying, and never left.  Over most of their years, there was this tension, although now much later in life, my mom is helping him out of necessity, and he appreciates her a lot more.  My sibling and I still like to visit.

We’ve had some great memories, but I do not want to spend the greater part of the rest of our lives in the same state we are now.  This is where the for richer or for poorer, good times and bad speech gets delivered.  If there are personal issues to be dealt with, she does not appear to want my assistance.  Now I know that the nearer that you approach to the truth sometimes, the blinder people will strike back.  If I did something that will never be fully forgiven, why should I stay?

Will my kids really benefit from 2 parents in the same house when there is not visible affection in the house most of the time?  We do talk to the kids frequently, but have very few conversations between ourselves.  If I had the financial wherewithall to give her the house and take care of the kids, I would probably do it.  I think my wife would be happier, and my kids only see me for a few hours after work as it is.  I thought about playing the lottery, but I don’t know what I would be winning.

My wife is out of the house now.  I asked her where she was going, and she said “Out.”  I had to find out from my daughter that she had a hair appointment scheduled.

 

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Missing You

So, at the same time regular family life is going on, I am missing the hell out of my personal lightening rod.

I would like to thank amarriageabroad for adding the word limerence to my vocabulary.

lim·er·ence
noun
  1. the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.