Closer to the Truth

Wow, so a lot has happenned.  On the home front, got some much needed alone time.  My wife and I have been able to be much more frank with each other this week, and even more of a sense of humor.  We did have one major disagreement that brought up past memories for both of us, so it became emotionally charged.    I was able to admit that in the past I had been running away from some things rather than talking about them head on with my wife.  My wife was able to admit she had given up trying to communicate with me, and on many other things.  At the end of it all we came together.

So what about your online friend green dot girl (GDG)?  Well things are never better with her either.  Her relationship with her husband has grown stronger recently.  Even though we have a “no boundaries” type relationship, the foundation was families first. I know that may sound contradictory.  Those who cannot understand will judge.  I’m fine with that.

GDG is there for me, even if things get unsteady at home.  She understands me on a deep personal level as well as the kinky sex that I long for, and wants the same for herself.  We love pleasing each other.  We set a goal to make our spouses want us as bad as we want each other.  A lofty goal for couples married as long as we have been, but so oooo worthy of going for.  This is going to take a LOT of effort on both our parts.  I hate to even say this now, but we have talked about the possibility that sex would no longer be a part of our relationship if things changed at home at some point in the future, but still lifelong friends.  For now, I am not giving that any attention.  Not with the first clenching, heart pounding satisfaction we give each other now…the stuff dreams are made of.

Woo.  Back to reality, let me cool off and go into some of the developments of the week.  

So the reason I was able to start seeing for myself and admitting that I was to blame for just as many of the issues in my marriage, is because GDG helped me understand the value of honest, vulnerable conversation.  Some of my followers have reinforced that.  I have no desire to have the truth sugar-coated or feelings protected.  Give it to me straight!  I will take the punch, or get back up after I get my wind back.  It is just so much easier this way, but it’s not always easy.  I know sounds like another riddle.  All I mean is that I have had some really tough talks over the last couple of months.  Some of them basically risked it all, but here we are, stronger than ever.  Now I seem to be reaping the reward of that honesty.

Have I still been annoyed by little things at home?  Yep!  Still got a bag of issues, still human, but one thing at a time.  Love you all.

Home Front

So, a couple posts back I mentioned sending many texts to my wife about where we stand, how I feel about it and what she thinks.  I was disappointed to get no feedback.  Later, this week we were in disagreement about something and she decided to bring up the texts, and why texts.  Good question, for a normal functional couple, right?  Yeah, well that doesn’t exactly describe us.  The texts are only because the kids are always around and I had to get it out.

When she brings it up, she points out I am on my phone all the time.  I noticed that she had been doing the exact same thing.  When I mention it, she says she was in a deep dark place and can’t get out, so everything I see her do is just a mirror of how she sees me acting.  Ok.  So I tell her early in the day to take the kids over to her mom’s so we can talk.  I got no response.  Couple hours later, I text and tell her again to take kids to mom’s.  She replies not a good time.

I don’t know if kids have sports the next day or evening activities, sleepover with friends etc, so I let it go til I get home.  Nothing is planned.  I cannot continue to live in this denial.  I know my wife is depressed.  I’m back and forth on this, but I think I would want her to have an emotional affair with someone else to lift her up.  (even though I am fairly certain she already has some online activities) Our computer browser is ALWAYS in incognito mode.  Her phone vibrates in the early morning hours repeatly sometimes, and I have seen her quickly changing from one app to another when I approach.  She will not accept help from me, so maybe someone outside our marriage will help her.  If she decides at some point that life is better for her in the long term with someone else, so be it.  I love her as a person.

But here’s the thing, I have one last thing I will try before I am going to openly suggest her either having an affair or us parting ways.  I am going to press her like never before to get to the root of it.  She can ask and tell anything.  I don’t care if she gets mad, decides to hit me and scream.  She needs a release of some kind.  I am going to try and pry it out of her, and let her know that I am not sure if I can remain with her physically if she cannot open up to me or at least to a therapist.

Do I have my own bag of issues?  Hell yes!!!  The difference is I am talking about them and trying to address them to some degree.  Maybe that is going on inside her head, and it just hasn’t come out yet.  I don’t know.  But this weighs on me as well.  not having a partner, and seeing her moping.

I really don’t feel like doing anything around our house besides the basic stuff to go week to week.  I feel no motivation or teamwork with my wife.  No grand projects, and mostly, all money tied up in kids, and living paycheck to paycheck.  My wife won’t work full time, but criticizes me for not having a better job.  Pisses me off.  But there are costs to be paid that have much more damage than money.  Seems we are happier when apart lately.

I feel like this is the year I have to make a change….even if that means living on my own, working 2 jobs to get by undefinitely.  I hope that is not the end result, but the behavior my wife described of doing to me exactly how she feels I am wrong to her as a default setting….that really is concerning.  I mean at least be your own person if someone else is dragging you down.  Look for your own happy despite them.  I will offer a hand.  If it is slapped away, that is out of my control, and I will have my own decisions to make at that point.  I feel like this year is the year…make or break.

 

Peaks and Valleys

Well the last week has been quite the adventure.   It didn’t all feel good, in fact I never felt such loss or panic and grief in quite a long time as in the last week.  I also felt some of the highest highs, and warmest contentment.

I usually am very wordy in my description of events.  Recalling all of this is too painful to write at the moment.  It was almost the end.

In the end, my relationship with my GDG has always been honest and open.  I can’t have it any other way.  So far, we’ve accepted each other as we are, despite some differences that really pushed our limits.  If the day ever came where GDG felt protecting my feelings to keep peace were to replace the open communication we have always agreed on, I would want her to let me go.  To be clear THAT IS THE LAST THINK I WANT TO SEE HAPPEN!  This is what drives me to push my limits.

But I think accepting someone as they are openly and honestly, is more important than lying to yourself or partner and being quietly disappointed.  Life is full of disappointments.  GDG never ceases to amaze me.  At times makes me absolutely crazy from half a world away.  I feel as if I’ve let her down, and that hurts me maybe as much as her.

Still, at the end of it all, we remained honest and bold, and came together.  It was such an overwhelming calm to me.  I could take on anything in the calm after the storm.  I slept and functioned so much better the rest of the week.  How can I care so deeply for someone I never physically met?  Doesn’t matter.  Only thing that matters is that we have each other.  I think we both realize how much joy we bring to each other.  

I think when couples are together for a while they get scared to be honest. They hide and protect feelings rather than being themselves.    That is the beginning of the end.  The day 2 people can’t be themselves and enjoy each other’s company is the day they should part ways.  If one partner continues to grow, but the other will not change, it will hinder the other person from growing and cause bitterness and resentment.  If you realize your partner is different, try and get to know them, for who they are today.   See if they will open up.  It could be a beautiful new beginning,  or it could end years of misery.

My Worst Enemy

That’s right,  ME.

So yesterday I came home.  Had my hands full, and was unexpectedly mad at the door being locked.  I start kicking the door, or knocking with my foot, as I fumble for me keys.

I was not in a bad mood when I arrived at the house.  Anyway, my wife justifiably starts asking me why I’m kicking the door.  I just remembered why I was upset.  It was because just before bedtime the night before, I was told to fix the garage door.  It is older, and had been backed into before, and had separated a little when opened.  It was going to be a cold night.  When I got home, the other door was wide open.  I remember thinking, You’re (my wife) yelling at me to fix a crack in door, and leave the other wide open?

This is petty I know.  Just bear with me, not the worst of it…So my wife and I are pissed at each other 2 mins after I get home over stupid shit blown out of proportion.   

She tells me half an hour later via text that she had plans for me when I got home, but all those happy thoughts went out the window when I got home.

Great!  So I ruined a potentially wonderful evening.  Nice job….no one to blame but me.

So since my wife opens the lines of communication,  I send her about 20 texts telling first admitting I was an ass, and then on to other things about how I feel about our relationship.   How if we don’t get to know each other again, and establish some foundation of intimacy (not just sex), that we are screwed.

I woke up this morning and was a little surprised I didn’t have a single text response.   If she doesn’t talk to me at all further, I will have to consider the possibility of emotional manipulation?   I am brushed off, but never get a reasonable answer until well outside of the moment, so I take responsibility for this one, unless her actions lead me to think otherwise.  Regardless,  it was stupid to be upset at something so trivial.  I had dealt with so many more difficult situations during the day prior to that, and handled them much more gracefully. ..

Little Walls

When it comes to love, at times, I’m just an idiot, plain and simple.  I create distance with made up assumptions.   Not made up on purpose,  but my defense system seems to do it automatically at all the worse times.

I was in the middle of a very intimate situation/moment.  GDG was telling me how much she enjoyed us, loved me, and I said if she got to know me she would tire of me like my wife!

Uggh.  Needless to say,  that ruined the moment.  But I really wanted to hear what she said, despite myself.  In trying to convince her to stay and finish, I think I got to the root of one of my bag full of issues.  In the end, I don’t really believe that any woman would be interested in knowing me at a deep level after they have known me for a while….As backstory, I have 2 friends in my life that I have kept up communication over the years.   Besides family, that’s it.  And I see family once or twice a year… Not sure what my wife sees, but the idea of family, and staying together for the kids would be my guess.  Then, I’m no good at the guessing game either.   I’m finally figuring out that the reason for that is that I put up some type of defense that puts off most people.  I actually have GDG to thank for pointing that out.  

 Sure, on a social level, I can interact with many and diverse types of people.  But get close, and no telling.  But I love to be loved.  Great song by Peter Gabriel with that title, that says a lot.  So, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

People think I don’t believe in or trust them, but it is my own lack of belief in myself at times that creates obstacles and distance.  It is that belief that I want to let go.  I’m as worthy as anyone else of love.  I’m starting to believe.  I’m caring less about any personal feelings, than the fullness and acceptance from allowing love in your life.  To let it wash over you.  That is something no one can take from you, but it cannot be given if you do not accept it.  Please allow my heart and mind to open.  Please allow me to let go.

Trainwreck

Sometimes in relationships the best and worst things happen when you’re not paying attention.   In my case the latter applies today.

Let me start by saying that yesterday,  I was on top of the world.  Feeling really good about things and people in my life.  Out of seemingly nowhere,  things went horribly off track due to a communication issue with my GDG.  

Worst part is, after talking it over a little, we were both seeing something other than the truth of what was happening in the moment.  In my case, I felt I was interrupting a beautiful moment.  I felt this was personal to my GDG,  felt a bit like an outsider,  and that I did not belong there…She was surrounded by family and answering texts and talking smack with friends during a sports match.  So, I told her to enjoy the moment and excused myself.  Problem is, GDG wanted me in that moment.  I was part of it to her, regardless of how I felt.  When I left, it was seen as uninterested in what was going on…         I was put off by the short answer, basically telling me to get lost when I was seen as uninterested.     Honestly,  there was nowhere else I would have liked to be. 

Did I not see myself as worthy of inclusion?  We always put each other’s families and marriages first, which is an interesting dynamic in our relationship. Is it because I came in on a situation that I was not familiar with the teams or sport, and made an excuse so that I felt justified leaving? It’s true that I don’t care about sports, but was enjoying the moment though.   Whatever the case,  perception is reality in most cases.  So that means we’ve both had a shitty couple of hours.

So this got me thinking.   Are the same patterns happening in our marriages?   If so, how many wonderful times were missed because of preconceived notions between husband and wife.  Forget the general terms…what is going on in my case?  This is an answer you cannot get right without speaking to your partner.  Questions questions questions. ..When a couple is together for a while, they can get annoyed that their partner does not already know what they want.  “You don’t know that about me?”, etc….Thing about people is they are always changing.  We have to be patient with our partners sometimes when they ask us questions.  Do they ask the same question repeatedly at times? Maybe they are really uncertain about how to move forward on something, even if they already know the answer.  They may just want assurance that what applied in a situation previously is still the case today.  So the next time your partner asks you a bunch of questions,  don’t get annoyed with them.  They may be trying to figure out something to make your relationship or an experience you are doing together better.   But you have to ask, not assume!!!!!!!  Answer not get annoyed!!!!  I’m as guilty as anyone. 

Walk in Faith

Just Wow!  Pretty much sums up the experience I’ve had over the last 30 days with my online intergalactic lover, my GDG. I say intergalactic, because it may as well be distance wise, but feels like she is right here with me.  So,the holidays were a bit of a challenge for us.  We said it would be a test, because even though we love each other to the moon and back, we are not our priority…that remains with our families.

So how do you love someone fully, and unconditionally without them being  your priority?  furthermore, how is your partner good with that?  Well she is, in fact, it’s the way it has to be.  Now, I am probably going to be all over the place this post, so bear with me…

There were a couple of times this week, that a reality check felt like I was being let go.  I had a REALLY hard time with that the first time.  All those cheesy love songs you hear on the radio..well they are not so cheesy now.  Wind Beneath My Wings.  That’s what she is to me.  The thought of being without her is devastating.  Like I said..Addicted to Love.  Sometimes, you have nothing to lose….until you do.  This connection between us is stronger that any drug known to mankind.  PURE love.  It feels too much sometimes.  Too good to be true, but true love transcends the physical.

So, one thing that I have discovered about myself is that I have trust issues.  I just don’t trust people fully, even if they’ve given me absolutely no reason to feel that way.  It was a real issue between myself and my GDG.  She was onboard, and I have hesitated in a few instances of pure openess.  I know this is frustrating for her, but it has nothing to do with her.  It is about getting past my own fear of whatever that is that causes a lack of trust.  This issue is affecting every human relationship I have ever formed.  It’s probably why I only have a very small circle of true friends.  This is normal human behavior, I would say.  You don’t just give yourself away to everyone you meet.  I learned years ago that you don’t put all of your faith in people, places or things.  That would be silly and potentially dangerous.  Some people earn more of your trust.  That comes through a series of events that build trust.  Rome was not built in a day seems to apply here.  That said, I have opened myself up in ways that I never dreamed and the rewards are utterly amazing.  It may seem like small steps to others, but they are HUGE LEAPS for me.

One thing that made me pull back a little this week, was being called a sucker for her love, and that I was going to endure a punishment, and the punishment was her.  My initial response was “How is that a punishment?”  But a sucker is someone who is getting duped.  I know she was joking around, but when we are getting this close, this early, words like this don’t work for me, and I told her.  Now she can say I’m being sensitive..I really don’t care.  She wants honesty, she is going to get it.  I say this in the fondest of ways, I am not a toy to be played with.  We can be each other’s toychest, and we are.  Sometimes, that’s where it would be nice to hear her voice, to hear how things were being communicated.  In another way, it sounds kind of kinky and fun.  I would give her a kinky punishment of her own.

The other thing is, we had a “date” planned all day yesterday.  Basically, time together.  When the time came, she asked me to go be with my family.  That she wasn’t sure she was good for my marriage.  So yeah, I was not expecting that, so I asked “Is this it?  Is this where it all ends?”

Her response was to get it through my thick head that she was not going anywhere…smiling as I type this.  She let me know that she could not live with herself knowing that she was coming between my marriage, and said I could message her anytime later.  So I went and spent some time just sitting and watching TV with my wife.  Now, that is a good woman!!!  That is unselfish love.  This is all new to me, but I fucking love it.

I come back later, and she was in a panic, thinking she may have driven me off.  She told me I could be annoyed with her if I wanted, but she had to be true to herself, and to the structure of our relationship.  I have to respect that.  I told her she had nothing to worry about, that I was not going anywhere either.  Then she told me something I did not expect..I am part of her long term plan, part of her life, and at some point years from now, we would have to meet.  Wow, now that’s real.  She told me a week or so  ago that the fact that I would not ever physically cheat on my wife was one of the qualities that she liked most about me.  Seeing her in person would be a true test of that will.  This had only been talked about in fantasy before, dream dates.  It just got real.

There are times when she tells me about errands she has to run with family, where I tell her to go be with them.  Otherwise, when we are together, I give no thought to anything but her and myself and the present moment…Nothing else matters.  I think it is a natural part of trust building that there is an ebb and flow, and fear is replaced with faith and love.  The scary part is not knowing where you stand sometimes.  How quickly doubt can creep in.  It is part of the human condition.

This morning, we made love that was absolutely incredible.  The things another human being can make you feel without physically being there is just beyond words…I love my GDG with no reservations.  She is a really, good person, and her husband is a lucky man.  We are both beginning to blossom with a new strength and courage.  A red rose does not open instantly.  It opens slowly under the right conditions.  My heart is the red rose for my GDG…