Home Front

So, a couple posts back I mentioned sending many texts to my wife about where we stand, how I feel about it and what she thinks.  I was disappointed to get no feedback.  Later, this week we were in disagreement about something and she decided to bring up the texts, and why texts.  Good question, for a normal functional couple, right?  Yeah, well that doesn’t exactly describe us.  The texts are only because the kids are always around and I had to get it out.

When she brings it up, she points out I am on my phone all the time.  I noticed that she had been doing the exact same thing.  When I mention it, she says she was in a deep dark place and can’t get out, so everything I see her do is just a mirror of how she sees me acting.  Ok.  So I tell her early in the day to take the kids over to her mom’s so we can talk.  I got no response.  Couple hours later, I text and tell her again to take kids to mom’s.  She replies not a good time.

I don’t know if kids have sports the next day or evening activities, sleepover with friends etc, so I let it go til I get home.  Nothing is planned.  I cannot continue to live in this denial.  I know my wife is depressed.  I’m back and forth on this, but I think I would want her to have an emotional affair with someone else to lift her up.  (even though I am fairly certain she already has some online activities) Our computer browser is ALWAYS in incognito mode.  Her phone vibrates in the early morning hours repeatly sometimes, and I have seen her quickly changing from one app to another when I approach.  She will not accept help from me, so maybe someone outside our marriage will help her.  If she decides at some point that life is better for her in the long term with someone else, so be it.  I love her as a person.

But here’s the thing, I have one last thing I will try before I am going to openly suggest her either having an affair or us parting ways.  I am going to press her like never before to get to the root of it.  She can ask and tell anything.  I don’t care if she gets mad, decides to hit me and scream.  She needs a release of some kind.  I am going to try and pry it out of her, and let her know that I am not sure if I can remain with her physically if she cannot open up to me or at least to a therapist.

Do I have my own bag of issues?  Hell yes!!!  The difference is I am talking about them and trying to address them to some degree.  Maybe that is going on inside her head, and it just hasn’t come out yet.  I don’t know.  But this weighs on me as well.  not having a partner, and seeing her moping.

I really don’t feel like doing anything around our house besides the basic stuff to go week to week.  I feel no motivation or teamwork with my wife.  No grand projects, and mostly, all money tied up in kids, and living paycheck to paycheck.  My wife won’t work full time, but criticizes me for not having a better job.  Pisses me off.  But there are costs to be paid that have much more damage than money.  Seems we are happier when apart lately.

I feel like this is the year I have to make a change….even if that means living on my own, working 2 jobs to get by undefinitely.  I hope that is not the end result, but the behavior my wife described of doing to me exactly how she feels I am wrong to her as a default setting….that really is concerning.  I mean at least be your own person if someone else is dragging you down.  Look for your own happy despite them.  I will offer a hand.  If it is slapped away, that is out of my control, and I will have my own decisions to make at that point.  I feel like this year is the year…make or break.

 

Kink and Acceptance

So this one obviously may contain some content that not everyone will want to view.  This will not become explicit, but if the title makes you uncomfortable, you may want to look for another article.  Also, kink is really just getting a mention here, so heads up this is not really going down that road either.

This sums up exactly what is missing in my marriage right now.  Now I have never really been that kinky in the bedroom, but I have to say that it is definitely a turn on.  The only thing that would hold you back from that pleasure is fear, and we all know that everything we ever wanted is on the other side of fear.  Maybe your partner cannot make that step with you.  In a lot of instances, including mine, that is probably the case.  I would venture that this is fantasty, so this departure from the norm in the bedroom is not going to degrade a person morally.  If you want it, own it.  If you are not comfortable in that situation, fine.  That is your personal preference.  But that longing to be sexual when you are wired that way never goes away.  It doesn’t define, but does explain part of who we are in some cases.  That part cannot be denied any more than whether a person is born with a certain eye color.  You know who you are.

I recently commented on another followers blog that I do not believe in unicorns or the perfect match in a partner, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater if you are fulfilled in many other ways with your partner.   The bigger issue is acceptance.  Can your partner accept you for who you are today?  Were they honest with themselves, years ago in some cases, when they said they took you for who you are, or did they agree to a relationship based on the potential they saw in you?  If the later is the case, it can make for a bumpy ride.    Are they just sticking together because of “family”?  What kind of example are you setting for your kids when there is an absence of closeness in your relationship?  Kids see through the BS, and by the time they are teenagers, they have no problem telling you as much in their moments of angst.  Or maybe we tell ourselves,”Hey, it’s not that bad..it’s not like we are arguing all the time.  Isn’t it normal that most couples disagree over the course of a relationship?”  Sure it is.  What are the disagreements over?  That is the better question.  If you are arguing about a home improvement, or where to go for dinner?  That’s normal.  Arguing about an issue that goes against the core values of one partner?  Now that’s an issue. It’s not fair to ask someone to be someone they are not, because that’s the way you want them.  Now in some cases, people would just like to be with SOMEONE else.  Doesn’t matter that much, as it beats being alone.

Well, for me, that’s just not good enough anymore.  If you don’t accept me for who I am, it means that you do not really respect me.  If you don’t respect me, there is no way you can love me.  If you don’t love me, I don’t need you in my life.

Wow, I am reading the last word of the first sentence in the paragraph above this one, which points to the last sentence in the previous paragraph…  Was not having to be alone really the basis of my decision to be in the relationship with my wife years ago, or just the way the thought came out?  If so, that’s very ironic, because I enjoy spending more of my time alone these days.  Don’t get me wrong.  I need that human interaction, but at the end of the day, I don’t want a party in my honor, I want a quiet retreat.  I’m trying to look at emotions logically, which is probably a mistake, but behind every emotion, there is an underlying thought that provoked it.  Just when you think you have a moment of clarity, there comes the confusion again….

So let’s turn this around for a second.  Do I accept my wife for who she is?  If so, do I accept it because I am tired of arguing about certain things or out of pure unfiltered acceptance?  Do I respect her?  Yes.  I may not always agree, but she has my respect.  She does disappoint in failing to take care of herself properly.  Eating right, exercising and sleeping enough.  That is her issue.  I cannot fix that.  Do I love her?  I cannot answer that question yet, because I cannot answer whether I accept her how she is.  I think I just got my answer by not having an easy answer to acceptance.  If you accept someone for who they are, it’s an easy yes…I believe I accepted who she once was, but do not fully accept who she is today.  It’s not fair to ask her to become who she was 20 years ago..We’ve both grown leaps since then.

So getting down to it..I’m disappointed at not feeling accepted for who I am by my wife, and yet if I’m honest, I have not been accepting her for who she is.  This is hard to type, and admit.  The next question is “can I  or do I want to?”  Oh , Jeez….that’s about all I have for the moment.  Bye for now friends.

 

Speak Your Peace, Calm Your Heart

 

Ok, so I guess I’ll go ahead and spill the beans…I am actually kind of relieved and indifferent right now.  Another followup note to the person who came into my life and made it necessary to start this blog to try and keep my sanity.

Soooo, there were some developments with this person, which I have referred to as my personal lightening rod, or PLR for short.

When we first met, I was just bobbing through life.  Doing the family thing, but my relationship with my wife has really been more about the kids, hardly about me, and even less frequently intimate….like 10 months one time.

The entire thing is chronicled in my blog, but I will try and give the short form…Said PLR just kind of appeared in my heart and thoughts.  I didn’t really pay much attention at first.  In fact, I was the one who kind of backed things off a little.  Not turned off completely.  I just couldn’t believe the things I was joking and thinking  about.  I almost instantly realized that this was a denial and a defense mechanism on my part.  I tried to explain a little later that day, but timing never worked out.

She ended up dating a guy and it became pretty serious for several months….until it didn’t work out.  It was so hard to turn my attention away from her during this period.  Well, one day she sends me a song link, and starts being friendly with me.  I stay on my side of the “emotional fence” for a while, but she gets to me again.

By this time, I have realized I will not exchange my current life and family situation for a woman that I know little about.  In fact, I decide to start look at what is making me happy, and when others seem to be doing things to tear that down..fuck em..I watch my joy.

After talking with my wife about our situation, things got better briefly.  I can’t help wondering if after 16 years, there is just so much disappointment on both our parts that it is just hopeless to try and rebuild.  That conversation will be for another day.

The more I thought about it, the more I seem to realize that I want someone in my life that feels like a true partner.  Where I’m not just a provider, where it seems it’s never enough, and things are more expected than appreciated.

To that end, my PLR and I were making subtle hints about getting to know each other better.  No deep conversations, like what would need to happen about a lot of areas in life.  Well, now she is seeing someone that she apparently has a 20-year history with.  I’m like “What the fuck?!?”.

I sent her 2 long texts last week.  One was kind of general, just saying that I would always remember her, and thanking her for the wake up call in my life, which was making me realize what was missing for me.  She thanked me after receiving this, and we had some surface conversation.   I felt the text could have sounded like a goodbye.  We work together, so there is no time for us to have a deep conversation there, plus I fumble for words with her.

I sent a second long text a few days later.  I told her I loved her, and that I always feel better around her, and that she always makes me laugh.  There was a time she hinted at us drinking a bottle of wine and talking.  I half thought she was fucking with me, so never responded much to that (DUMB ASS!!) I told her there was so much more I wanted to tell her, and so much more I wanted to learn about her.  Then I acknowledged that she has a man, and my situation is complicated, so I should probably get over it.  I wished all her dreams would come true, and gave my best to her family because she was going to a funeral.  No gray area there!!

So that’s it.  I felt a sense of calm after this, and I honestly will not stress about the outcome.  I will continue to find my joys, so I have something to share with others…Best!!!