Just Wow! Pretty much sums up the experience I’ve had over the last 30 days with my online intergalactic lover, my GDG. I say intergalactic, because it may as well be distance wise, but feels like she is right here with me. So,the holidays were a bit of a challenge for us. We said it would be a test, because even though we love each other to the moon and back, we are not our priority…that remains with our families.
So how do you love someone fully, and unconditionally without them being your priority? furthermore, how is your partner good with that? Well she is, in fact, it’s the way it has to be. Now, I am probably going to be all over the place this post, so bear with me…
There were a couple of times this week, that a reality check felt like I was being let go. I had a REALLY hard time with that the first time. All those cheesy love songs you hear on the radio..well they are not so cheesy now. Wind Beneath My Wings. That’s what she is to me. The thought of being without her is devastating. Like I said..Addicted to Love. Sometimes, you have nothing to lose….until you do. This connection between us is stronger that any drug known to mankind. PURE love. It feels too much sometimes. Too good to be true, but true love transcends the physical.
So, one thing that I have discovered about myself is that I have trust issues. I just don’t trust people fully, even if they’ve given me absolutely no reason to feel that way. It was a real issue between myself and my GDG. She was onboard, and I have hesitated in a few instances of pure openess. I know this is frustrating for her, but it has nothing to do with her. It is about getting past my own fear of whatever that is that causes a lack of trust. This issue is affecting every human relationship I have ever formed. It’s probably why I only have a very small circle of true friends. This is normal human behavior, I would say. You don’t just give yourself away to everyone you meet. I learned years ago that you don’t put all of your faith in people, places or things. That would be silly and potentially dangerous. Some people earn more of your trust. That comes through a series of events that build trust. Rome was not built in a day seems to apply here. That said, I have opened myself up in ways that I never dreamed and the rewards are utterly amazing. It may seem like small steps to others, but they are HUGE LEAPS for me.
One thing that made me pull back a little this week, was being called a sucker for her love, and that I was going to endure a punishment, and the punishment was her. My initial response was “How is that a punishment?” But a sucker is someone who is getting duped. I know she was joking around, but when we are getting this close, this early, words like this don’t work for me, and I told her. Now she can say I’m being sensitive..I really don’t care. She wants honesty, she is going to get it. I say this in the fondest of ways, I am not a toy to be played with. We can be each other’s toychest, and we are. Sometimes, that’s where it would be nice to hear her voice, to hear how things were being communicated. In another way, it sounds kind of kinky and fun. I would give her a kinky punishment of her own.
The other thing is, we had a “date” planned all day yesterday. Basically, time together. When the time came, she asked me to go be with my family. That she wasn’t sure she was good for my marriage. So yeah, I was not expecting that, so I asked “Is this it? Is this where it all ends?”
Her response was to get it through my thick head that she was not going anywhere…smiling as I type this. She let me know that she could not live with herself knowing that she was coming between my marriage, and said I could message her anytime later. So I went and spent some time just sitting and watching TV with my wife. Now, that is a good woman!!! That is unselfish love. This is all new to me, but I fucking love it.
I come back later, and she was in a panic, thinking she may have driven me off. She told me I could be annoyed with her if I wanted, but she had to be true to herself, and to the structure of our relationship. I have to respect that. I told her she had nothing to worry about, that I was not going anywhere either. Then she told me something I did not expect..I am part of her long term plan, part of her life, and at some point years from now, we would have to meet. Wow, now that’s real. She told me a week or so ago that the fact that I would not ever physically cheat on my wife was one of the qualities that she liked most about me. Seeing her in person would be a true test of that will. This had only been talked about in fantasy before, dream dates. It just got real.
There are times when she tells me about errands she has to run with family, where I tell her to go be with them. Otherwise, when we are together, I give no thought to anything but her and myself and the present moment…Nothing else matters. I think it is a natural part of trust building that there is an ebb and flow, and fear is replaced with faith and love. The scary part is not knowing where you stand sometimes. How quickly doubt can creep in. It is part of the human condition.
This morning, we made love that was absolutely incredible. The things another human being can make you feel without physically being there is just beyond words…I love my GDG with no reservations. She is a really, good person, and her husband is a lucky man. We are both beginning to blossom with a new strength and courage. A red rose does not open instantly. It opens slowly under the right conditions. My heart is the red rose for my GDG…