Closer to the Truth

Wow, so a lot has happenned.  On the home front, got some much needed alone time.  My wife and I have been able to be much more frank with each other this week, and even more of a sense of humor.  We did have one major disagreement that brought up past memories for both of us, so it became emotionally charged.    I was able to admit that in the past I had been running away from some things rather than talking about them head on with my wife.  My wife was able to admit she had given up trying to communicate with me, and on many other things.  At the end of it all we came together.

So what about your online friend green dot girl (GDG)?  Well things are never better with her either.  Her relationship with her husband has grown stronger recently.  Even though we have a “no boundaries” type relationship, the foundation was families first. I know that may sound contradictory.  Those who cannot understand will judge.  I’m fine with that.

GDG is there for me, even if things get unsteady at home.  She understands me on a deep personal level as well as the kinky sex that I long for, and wants the same for herself.  We love pleasing each other.  We set a goal to make our spouses want us as bad as we want each other.  A lofty goal for couples married as long as we have been, but so oooo worthy of going for.  This is going to take a LOT of effort on both our parts.  I hate to even say this now, but we have talked about the possibility that sex would no longer be a part of our relationship if things changed at home at some point in the future, but still lifelong friends.  For now, I am not giving that any attention.  Not with the first clenching, heart pounding satisfaction we give each other now…the stuff dreams are made of.

Woo.  Back to reality, let me cool off and go into some of the developments of the week.  

So the reason I was able to start seeing for myself and admitting that I was to blame for just as many of the issues in my marriage, is because GDG helped me understand the value of honest, vulnerable conversation.  Some of my followers have reinforced that.  I have no desire to have the truth sugar-coated or feelings protected.  Give it to me straight!  I will take the punch, or get back up after I get my wind back.  It is just so much easier this way, but it’s not always easy.  I know sounds like another riddle.  All I mean is that I have had some really tough talks over the last couple of months.  Some of them basically risked it all, but here we are, stronger than ever.  Now I seem to be reaping the reward of that honesty.

Have I still been annoyed by little things at home?  Yep!  Still got a bag of issues, still human, but one thing at a time.  Love you all.

Peaks and Valleys

Well the last week has been quite the adventure.   It didn’t all feel good, in fact I never felt such loss or panic and grief in quite a long time as in the last week.  I also felt some of the highest highs, and warmest contentment.

I usually am very wordy in my description of events.  Recalling all of this is too painful to write at the moment.  It was almost the end.

In the end, my relationship with my GDG has always been honest and open.  I can’t have it any other way.  So far, we’ve accepted each other as we are, despite some differences that really pushed our limits.  If the day ever came where GDG felt protecting my feelings to keep peace were to replace the open communication we have always agreed on, I would want her to let me go.  To be clear THAT IS THE LAST THINK I WANT TO SEE HAPPEN!  This is what drives me to push my limits.

But I think accepting someone as they are openly and honestly, is more important than lying to yourself or partner and being quietly disappointed.  Life is full of disappointments.  GDG never ceases to amaze me.  At times makes me absolutely crazy from half a world away.  I feel as if I’ve let her down, and that hurts me maybe as much as her.

Still, at the end of it all, we remained honest and bold, and came together.  It was such an overwhelming calm to me.  I could take on anything in the calm after the storm.  I slept and functioned so much better the rest of the week.  How can I care so deeply for someone I never physically met?  Doesn’t matter.  Only thing that matters is that we have each other.  I think we both realize how much joy we bring to each other.  

I think when couples are together for a while they get scared to be honest. They hide and protect feelings rather than being themselves.    That is the beginning of the end.  The day 2 people can’t be themselves and enjoy each other’s company is the day they should part ways.  If one partner continues to grow, but the other will not change, it will hinder the other person from growing and cause bitterness and resentment.  If you realize your partner is different, try and get to know them, for who they are today.   See if they will open up.  It could be a beautiful new beginning,  or it could end years of misery.

Walk in Faith

Just Wow!  Pretty much sums up the experience I’ve had over the last 30 days with my online intergalactic lover, my GDG. I say intergalactic, because it may as well be distance wise, but feels like she is right here with me.  So,the holidays were a bit of a challenge for us.  We said it would be a test, because even though we love each other to the moon and back, we are not our priority…that remains with our families.

So how do you love someone fully, and unconditionally without them being  your priority?  furthermore, how is your partner good with that?  Well she is, in fact, it’s the way it has to be.  Now, I am probably going to be all over the place this post, so bear with me…

There were a couple of times this week, that a reality check felt like I was being let go.  I had a REALLY hard time with that the first time.  All those cheesy love songs you hear on the radio..well they are not so cheesy now.  Wind Beneath My Wings.  That’s what she is to me.  The thought of being without her is devastating.  Like I said..Addicted to Love.  Sometimes, you have nothing to lose….until you do.  This connection between us is stronger that any drug known to mankind.  PURE love.  It feels too much sometimes.  Too good to be true, but true love transcends the physical.

So, one thing that I have discovered about myself is that I have trust issues.  I just don’t trust people fully, even if they’ve given me absolutely no reason to feel that way.  It was a real issue between myself and my GDG.  She was onboard, and I have hesitated in a few instances of pure openess.  I know this is frustrating for her, but it has nothing to do with her.  It is about getting past my own fear of whatever that is that causes a lack of trust.  This issue is affecting every human relationship I have ever formed.  It’s probably why I only have a very small circle of true friends.  This is normal human behavior, I would say.  You don’t just give yourself away to everyone you meet.  I learned years ago that you don’t put all of your faith in people, places or things.  That would be silly and potentially dangerous.  Some people earn more of your trust.  That comes through a series of events that build trust.  Rome was not built in a day seems to apply here.  That said, I have opened myself up in ways that I never dreamed and the rewards are utterly amazing.  It may seem like small steps to others, but they are HUGE LEAPS for me.

One thing that made me pull back a little this week, was being called a sucker for her love, and that I was going to endure a punishment, and the punishment was her.  My initial response was “How is that a punishment?”  But a sucker is someone who is getting duped.  I know she was joking around, but when we are getting this close, this early, words like this don’t work for me, and I told her.  Now she can say I’m being sensitive..I really don’t care.  She wants honesty, she is going to get it.  I say this in the fondest of ways, I am not a toy to be played with.  We can be each other’s toychest, and we are.  Sometimes, that’s where it would be nice to hear her voice, to hear how things were being communicated.  In another way, it sounds kind of kinky and fun.  I would give her a kinky punishment of her own.

The other thing is, we had a “date” planned all day yesterday.  Basically, time together.  When the time came, she asked me to go be with my family.  That she wasn’t sure she was good for my marriage.  So yeah, I was not expecting that, so I asked “Is this it?  Is this where it all ends?”

Her response was to get it through my thick head that she was not going anywhere…smiling as I type this.  She let me know that she could not live with herself knowing that she was coming between my marriage, and said I could message her anytime later.  So I went and spent some time just sitting and watching TV with my wife.  Now, that is a good woman!!!  That is unselfish love.  This is all new to me, but I fucking love it.

I come back later, and she was in a panic, thinking she may have driven me off.  She told me I could be annoyed with her if I wanted, but she had to be true to herself, and to the structure of our relationship.  I have to respect that.  I told her she had nothing to worry about, that I was not going anywhere either.  Then she told me something I did not expect..I am part of her long term plan, part of her life, and at some point years from now, we would have to meet.  Wow, now that’s real.  She told me a week or so  ago that the fact that I would not ever physically cheat on my wife was one of the qualities that she liked most about me.  Seeing her in person would be a true test of that will.  This had only been talked about in fantasy before, dream dates.  It just got real.

There are times when she tells me about errands she has to run with family, where I tell her to go be with them.  Otherwise, when we are together, I give no thought to anything but her and myself and the present moment…Nothing else matters.  I think it is a natural part of trust building that there is an ebb and flow, and fear is replaced with faith and love.  The scary part is not knowing where you stand sometimes.  How quickly doubt can creep in.  It is part of the human condition.

This morning, we made love that was absolutely incredible.  The things another human being can make you feel without physically being there is just beyond words…I love my GDG with no reservations.  She is a really, good person, and her husband is a lucky man.  We are both beginning to blossom with a new strength and courage.  A red rose does not open instantly.  It opens slowly under the right conditions.  My heart is the red rose for my GDG…

 

 

I Need a Partner

What is that “It” factor that draws two people together and makes them feel a bond? That invisible force that connects two hearts together?  Ah, that’s just for the young and dumb, right?  Some call it love, others maybe just a crush, and others may just call it temporary blindness.

Funny thing is that in the beginning, you don’t care what this person’s interests, likes or dislikes are.  You just want more of the feeling you get when you are in their presence.  This connection is personal, but it is also shared. Later on, you let your experiences with this person be colored by your own emotions, prejudices and personal biases.  That’s when the magic starts to fade.  Why do we sabotage this awesome thing?

Sometimes, it takes being in the company of others to realize what you have allowed to happen with your other half (substitute your own word here).  That is exactly what happened in my case.  I was woken up…shaken to the core by a “stranger” that came into my life.  Stripped down to nothing but my own personal truth, and lost in this wilderness of a feeling I haven’t experienced….well let’s just say in a very long time.  This never became a physical relationship, and the emotional side was never acknowledged by either of us, but it didn’t make it any less real.

This became an opportunity for me to examine my current relationship with my wife.  We had allowed ourselves to start bobbing along on autopilot, and forgetting the people we were when we started it all.  Don’t we owe it to ourselves to be happy?  To feel connected, so that we can handle the “better or worse”, “sickness and health”, etc.  After a long talk, my wife and I both made strides in our relationship, and how we felt about each other, but one talk does not changes years spent unspoken.

One day, the kids were in different places for an hour and a half.  Time that was well spent.  We also did some things together outside the house.  We actually shopped together and didn’t hate it.  We bought new bed sheets, for one.  Now, these haven’t actually been laundered and put on the bed yet, but when they do, they are going to have to go right back in the washer.  It’s just a rule.  You get a new piece of furniture, and it has to have a house welcoming.  New sheets-same thing.  Hmm, so why haven’t I gone sheet shopping in such a long time?  Won’t let that happen again, but I digress.

There is this spark of hope.  Hope that we can begin to do more than occupy the same space, share the same routines, stop airing the same grievances.  To be someone who matters to the other person.  This cannot be faked well.  My wife and I do not play games with how we feel.  For my wife, the experiences that happen as a family exceed anything that happens between the two of us.  For me, family is most important, but there can be no real family without two people who actually like each other, and enjoy each other’s company and share a connection.  I need to have time with my wife where we share laughs, and times we cry.  Times where when we’re away from each other we can’t wait to see each other.  People will always have their differences, and there will always be annoying quirks with any partner, but life is too short not to be happy together.

I really want to do the “reset” button, but only in the sense of getting to know who my wife is today.  I do not want to diminish or wipe away any history.  I just need some time where we can focus on US.  So far, this has been a challenge for my wife.  She says trying to pretend the past doesn’t exist is not possible, even though it’s just a short time.  We’re going out on a date, and I ask “What time do you want me to pick you up?”  Rather than naming a time or some other comment, she says “Don’t do that.”

Don’t do what?  Pretend that I want to get to know THE YOU OF TODAY?  My memories have not been erased like in the movie “Running Man”  Just play along.  Lighten up for a second.  I am accused of not having enough imagination at times.  Well, that is exactly what I am asking of you right now.

I have participated in some activities that have not been my first choice, but I did that for her.  So tonight, we are going out, and I think it is something we will both sincerely enjoy.  I’m actually excited, and have been all week.  The kids are both staying with someone, so we will have the entire night, and part of the next day.  Initially, I was torn between having an honest conversation to talk more, or just having a good time date night.  I have some other questions, and wanted to talk with her more about her needs, peeves, etc. and talk about my own.  I have chosen to just have a good time tonight.  I want to find out if there is or can be a connection between us.

You can do activities that you already enjoy with plenty of people, but you are not “allowed” to have a connection with any of them if you are married.  That is reserved for your spouse.  Well, if your spouse does not bring that into your life, then what’s the point?  Life is too short not to be happy.  We could go through life sharing experiences that can bring years of wonder, and provide dinner conversation for many years to come.  Problem is, hell, I could do that by myself.  I need a partner.

 

 

 

Water or Wood?

Your eyes looking into mine are like a magnifying glass

That focuses the sun into a tiny dot that first created an ember

Which grew into the wild fire that burns in my heart.

I am hypnotized into bringing more and more wood to the fire

Before I look around at the blaze, and being caught off guard at the size it has grown to.

Your connection feeds the fire.

I start throwing water at the flames.

At first, it all seems to turn straight to steam with no visible effect.

After a while, my restraint seems to begin to diminish the flames

But your connection makes me want to surrender and just let it burn up.

“Water or wood?”, that is the question.

Dodged a Bullet

Soooooooo before my time off last week, I remember a couple of moments joking around with my personal lightening rod and some others where I could not believe the words coming out of my mouth.  We have an office with the right mix of professional and crazy.  I mean the WHOLE office, which is really cool.  I could literally sit back and watch a show about our office for entertainment.  Even in that setting, I still felt compelled to let my PLR know that I act crazy, but am not totally crazy and wanted to make sure nothing I said bothered her.  She just asked if I was asking in advance so that I don’t say anything in the future, because we were cool.  I just said “yes” because we were in the middle of a bunch of people that were distracted working, but did not want to draw any attention.  I had wanted to take a walk and explain a little more, but neither of us had time to get away before my time off.

In actuality, I am an introverted person who loves being around excitement, and can feed off of that and have my own over the top moments.

I came back to the office after my time off with so much energy.  Even though I did not do anything while I was off, I think the time spent here blogging was therapeutic because it helped to crystallize some thoughts.  Everyone was happy to see me, and was glad I could come back and start making my contributions to the workload.  It was Thursday before I even saw my personal lightening rod for any period of time.

Well guess what?  She had a really nice date with a sweet guy, and were going out again this weekend.  Good for her, and I don’t have to think about these feelings anymore, or I at least get a break.  There was the little pang of jealousy.  Weird.  Do you know the word “Lousy” is in jealousy?  At any rate, now, I have my full attention on the home front.  So, if for no other reason, perhaps this person came into my life in order for me take a look at how I have been living and my current relationship.

The only thing I can think about is all of the unresolved questions from my previous post.  As we head into Memorial Day weekend, this is the time to make plans do something, and be thankful for all those that sacrificed so we could celebrate, right?  Not in our case.  The subject has never been raised by either one of us.  I got off work yesterday and went to a sporting event for my kids.  My wife, her mom and sister were already there lined up in the bleachers.  They were talking away, showing each other things on their phones, and I just felt like an outsider.  I came in and sat a row behind them without saying hello to see if they would notice.  10 minutes went by.  Cue Radiohead “Creep”

I have envisioned little scenarios where I am not in my family’s life.  What does that look like?  How do we tell our kids? How do my kids react?  What would I miss most?  How could I afford to even do that without working another job?  Thinking about upcoming expenses my kids will have…car, college, etc.  I have an upcoming anniversary – 16 years, so WHY?!?!?!?  Why am I thinking about this?  I guess I feel like if this was a dead relationship, it would kind of be like me dead – not involved, so how does life go on? In the end, I just see my situation as broke and lonely at least in the beginning.  How long this lasts I have no idea.  How can this be a better option than staying with my wife?

I don’t even need to be thinking these things until we finally get to talk.  If she is full of regret and resentment, I think I would move on no matter how hard it would be on me personally.  If we can have a good conversation, maybe I can find out some things that she is lacking and let her know what is lacking on my end.  Maybe we can figure out if we both have the energy and the patience to work together.  When I get home, I feel my energy level drop.  The dog acknowledges me and is excited.  I don’t even want to drink to mask any of this, but I have to say I am getting pretty tired of feeling this way.

With any luck, I can pry my wife away from whatever she is doing, and go for a walk and get things out in the open.  I feel like such a selfish prick, and maybe that is the truth.

Missing You

So, at the same time regular family life is going on, I am missing the hell out of my personal lightening rod.

I would like to thank amarriageabroad for adding the word limerence to my vocabulary.

lim·er·ence
noun
  1. the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.