Withdrawals

Been a week since talk with my wife.  Things were good earlier in the week.  My wife’s week slowed down about midweek and she said had more time for reflection, and was a little down…understatement. .she said she wanted to crawl inside a cave and make that a permanent state.  She was not ready to talk about anything with me.  

I was thinking of little ways to start conversation this week.  I was searching for some emotion or sense of my wife wanting to connect.   I initiated all of the conversation last week.  Maybe my wife wants to know if I will chase her?  I don’t expect that after everything last week that we will go skipping off into the sunset anytime soon. 

All of this withdrawal on her part has given me more time to think.  I miss that blinking message light signaling someone really wants to talk to me.  It’s like withdrawing from drugs,  I would imagine.   The thoughts and memories creep in.  You know you should avoid, but you’re dying for another fix.  I even had a phone call from other woman, which I let go to voicemail.  

I keep coming back to the thought of wondering whether life with my wife is actually what I want.  I saw that she seemed to want ME last week.  It feels like Im just going through the motions…She may want “us”, but do I?  This may sound cold, but this is real…it seems life is easier when we’re not around each other.  

Now, I must admit there were some really good family moments this week.  Still no makeup sex, or the feeling of longing to be alone in each other’s presence.  I am looking at big picture, and giving time for thoughts to settle.

So brings me to another set of questions. ..What really makes me happy, independent of any other person?  Some things I fantasize about are just travelling to different places alone.  If finances were not an issue, I think I would enjoy travelling with no permanent residence.  Just soaking in the beauty and uniqueness of different places, and then hopping a plane when I wanted to see someplace else.  I don’t have any area of expertise,  just a love of music and a good time where I can laugh.   Music energizes me.  A group I recently discovered,  Nothing But Thieves is just amazing.  My body’s age does not match my mind.  I have an inner restlessness.  A desire to live life to the fullest.  LIKE Most people, all of THIS Is Stifled WITH RESPONSIBILITIES AND Obligations. (Phone doing weird caps lock now)  These responsibilities will always come first with me, but I need more of a balance for living life.  An imaginary digital  life with people who seem to care about me is what I relied on the past year, in the absence of financial wherewithal or ability to live out things I can only fantasize about.   I had real feelings,  and felt alive again the last 4 months.  Anyway,  I’m realizing life is too short to not be happy.   I understand things will not always go my way, and that there will be times I need to walk on fire to get what I really want.  That others need me in spite of what I can see, or what I might want.

 I have to pray now.  I’m not a religious person,  but this seems out of my hands.  I will give my presence and appreciation to the moment in front of me, but ask for guidance on my next step.

Peace

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Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

3 thoughts on “Withdrawals”

  1. Wow…I was shaking my head in agreement the entire time I was reading your post. If I could, I would jump in the car, on a plane, train, anything and take off….see the world and I would do it alone. I would live to do that and truth be told it is probably what I need…time to soul search.
    However, I have responsibilities that keep me grounded. It’s not just me and my husband, but I have children to factor into the equation and the financial responsibilities that come with having a family. So my escape has been searching out online people and at least having a “fantasy” life….escape from the life I feel trapped in.
    I found someone who became more than an online fantasy. Finding someone that totally changed my world, made my feel alive, gave me hope has been good and bad. It gave my heart and soul what it needed (along with heartbreak) but has made the issues in my marriage become more obvious… (need light to see dark).
    You are right. Life is too short to be unhappy. I don’t have the answers…wish I did. I hope you find your happiness, find the magical light switch and floods your life with answers and clarity. We all deserve it and sometimes we have to throw our hands up in the air and turn it over to a higher force (I’m not overly religious either). Best of luck to you, know you aren’t alone in your struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the heartfelt response. Now that the light is on again, and I am paying closer attention to things in my marriage, some things have become clearer. Although, the kids are quite possibly the only reason I am still married today, I have decided that staying in the same house is not a necessity to raised balanced kids. Now that my wife and I are focused on our relationship a little more, it really comes down to whether the me of today can make the she of today happy and glad in life again. I have put off things for a while. I told my wife in our most recent talk that I don’t think I can make it another year, the way we are now. Hopefully, we can work through our differences and be a team that looks forward to seeing each other again. If not, we can still raise our kids separately. The financial struggles would be difficult at first, but I believe the emotional and spiritual gain would offset those struggles.
      I have been attempting to get to know my wife again. Asking questions I have not asked in years, because I no longer know the answers. Time will tell, but I’m not going to waste anymore of it. The coming months will tell a lot.
      Thank you again for your response. I hope you too find the answers you need to make decisions to bring happiness into your life as well, sooner than later. I will add you to my prayers tonight.

      Like

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