Been a week since talk with my wife. Things were good earlier in the week. My wife’s week slowed down about midweek and she said had more time for reflection, and was a little down…understatement. .she said she wanted to crawl inside a cave and make that a permanent state. She was not ready to talk about anything with me.
I was thinking of little ways to start conversation this week. I was searching for some emotion or sense of my wife wanting to connect. I initiated all of the conversation last week. Maybe my wife wants to know if I will chase her? I don’t expect that after everything last week that we will go skipping off into the sunset anytime soon.
All of this withdrawal on her part has given me more time to think. I miss that blinking message light signaling someone really wants to talk to me. It’s like withdrawing from drugs, I would imagine. The thoughts and memories creep in. You know you should avoid, but you’re dying for another fix. I even had a phone call from other woman, which I let go to voicemail.
I keep coming back to the thought of wondering whether life with my wife is actually what I want. I saw that she seemed to want ME last week. It feels like Im just going through the motions…She may want “us”, but do I? This may sound cold, but this is real…it seems life is easier when we’re not around each other.
Now, I must admit there were some really good family moments this week. Still no makeup sex, or the feeling of longing to be alone in each other’s presence. I am looking at big picture, and giving time for thoughts to settle.
So brings me to another set of questions. ..What really makes me happy, independent of any other person? Some things I fantasize about are just travelling to different places alone. If finances were not an issue, I think I would enjoy travelling with no permanent residence. Just soaking in the beauty and uniqueness of different places, and then hopping a plane when I wanted to see someplace else. I don’t have any area of expertise, just a love of music and a good time where I can laugh. Music energizes me. A group I recently discovered, Nothing But Thieves is just amazing. My body’s age does not match my mind. I have an inner restlessness. A desire to live life to the fullest. LIKE Most people, all of THIS Is Stifled WITH RESPONSIBILITIES AND Obligations. (Phone doing weird caps lock now) These responsibilities will always come first with me, but I need more of a balance for living life. An imaginary digital life with people who seem to care about me is what I relied on the past year, in the absence of financial wherewithal or ability to live out things I can only fantasize about. I had real feelings, and felt alive again the last 4 months. Anyway, I’m realizing life is too short to not be happy. I understand things will not always go my way, and that there will be times I need to walk on fire to get what I really want. That others need me in spite of what I can see, or what I might want.
I have to pray now. I’m not a religious person, but this seems out of my hands. I will give my presence and appreciation to the moment in front of me, but ask for guidance on my next step.