So, a couple posts back I mentioned sending many texts to my wife about where we stand, how I feel about it and what she thinks. I was disappointed to get no feedback. Later, this week we were in disagreement about something and she decided to bring up the texts, and why texts. Good question, for a normal functional couple, right? Yeah, well that doesn’t exactly describe us. The texts are only because the kids are always around and I had to get it out.
When she brings it up, she points out I am on my phone all the time. I noticed that she had been doing the exact same thing. When I mention it, she says she was in a deep dark place and can’t get out, so everything I see her do is just a mirror of how she sees me acting. Ok. So I tell her early in the day to take the kids over to her mom’s so we can talk. I got no response. Couple hours later, I text and tell her again to take kids to mom’s. She replies not a good time.
I don’t know if kids have sports the next day or evening activities, sleepover with friends etc, so I let it go til I get home. Nothing is planned. I cannot continue to live in this denial. I know my wife is depressed. I’m back and forth on this, but I think I would want her to have an emotional affair with someone else to lift her up. (even though I am fairly certain she already has some online activities) Our computer browser is ALWAYS in incognito mode. Her phone vibrates in the early morning hours repeatly sometimes, and I have seen her quickly changing from one app to another when I approach. She will not accept help from me, so maybe someone outside our marriage will help her. If she decides at some point that life is better for her in the long term with someone else, so be it. I love her as a person.
But here’s the thing, I have one last thing I will try before I am going to openly suggest her either having an affair or us parting ways. I am going to press her like never before to get to the root of it. She can ask and tell anything. I don’t care if she gets mad, decides to hit me and scream. She needs a release of some kind. I am going to try and pry it out of her, and let her know that I am not sure if I can remain with her physically if she cannot open up to me or at least to a therapist.
Do I have my own bag of issues? Hell yes!!! The difference is I am talking about them and trying to address them to some degree. Maybe that is going on inside her head, and it just hasn’t come out yet. I don’t know. But this weighs on me as well. not having a partner, and seeing her moping.
I really don’t feel like doing anything around our house besides the basic stuff to go week to week. I feel no motivation or teamwork with my wife. No grand projects, and mostly, all money tied up in kids, and living paycheck to paycheck. My wife won’t work full time, but criticizes me for not having a better job. Pisses me off. But there are costs to be paid that have much more damage than money. Seems we are happier when apart lately.
I feel like this is the year I have to make a change….even if that means living on my own, working 2 jobs to get by undefinitely. I hope that is not the end result, but the behavior my wife described of doing to me exactly how she feels I am wrong to her as a default setting….that really is concerning. I mean at least be your own person if someone else is dragging you down. Look for your own happy despite them. I will offer a hand. If it is slapped away, that is out of my control, and I will have my own decisions to make at that point. I feel like this year is the year…make or break.