Mixed Up…even more

Why does sex play such a defining role in relationships?  Sounds like a dumb question,  right?  I mean it is the most intimate experience that can be shared between two human beings.  It bonds a relationship together,  and in some cases creates a pact of loyalty.   Yes, even some guys follow this code.

So say a couple has been together a while, and their relationship has come out of the “rushing river” phase,  and the sex starts to wane.  Sure, this could be an indication of other problems in the relationship, but in my case, there was a sort of justification for filling the void.  Maybe not justifiable.   And what constitutes crossing the line?  For some, like me, it is the physical act.  I do not consider online chatting to cross the line.  To some, the mere thought is cheating, and to others any type of intimate relationship that doesn’t involve touch is cheating.  If most people feel that anything other than the physical act is still cheating, maybe I should have been at the bar down the street,  and had the real experience.  But I won’t do that.

Usually, when a relationship is formed, there are certain ground rules, which would end the relationship. Now, with my wife,  these ground rules were laid 20 years ago.  Cheating was it.

I have said here before recently that if my wife needed to have an affair to seem more like herself again, then so be it.  Now, I’m thinking that if I allowed that, that I would never get back the part of my marriage that was missing, the sex and the real connection, because she would be giving it to someone else.  I had never liked the idea of an open marriage.  It seemed pointless.   It’s just not the kind of  openess I’m looking for. It seems more honest to divorce and find partners who get who you are today, if there is no hope of restarting the fire.

 Welllllll, now I see some things I didn’t before.   Say there’s 2 sides to the equation, the unfulfilled one who seeks companionship,  and the other partner who may be unaware of the situation or the problem at first.

To the unfulfilled one, they may have started a relationship with their spouse  with some ground rules.  So say it’s cheating.  Again, my idea is physical,  when you actually are together with someone, flesh on flesh.   Others may have a different opinion,  but my wife knows I have had online chats before in the distant past  because I have told her in a heart to heart.  She did not seem so disappointed in this, and we had more important things on our minds.  Anyway, I digress…

On the other side is the partner that this is happening to.  If they find out, there can be all kinds of emotions: anger, jealousy,  and overall disappointment.   If they don’t find out, the other partner still senses changes in how they interact with their partner.  That may be enough for some to call it quits.

For me, I always knew I would not cross the line physically.  I also know that I could not have any kind of relationship with someone if they decided to have a physical relationship outside of their marriage.  Even if they did not have that arrangement with their spouse, I could not.  This is a personal choice.  I do no judge what anyone else needs to do to find fulfillment in their life.  I only know what works for me.

So in this awesome honest and open relationship, which I have never experienced before in my life, I am now faced with the possibility that GDG ‘ S need for physical touch may end our relationship. She had her own PLR before we met that had been pursuing her for some time.  Now, she is considering romantic involvement because of the physical touch I cannot give her.    I made her promise to tell me if she decides to go that route.  She thought it was a fair call.  I am anxious.  She has added so much to my life.  The possibility of having to let that go…I don’t even want to think about.  She even told me she loves me, but does not love the other person.  That doesn’t make any difference to me on this matter.  I want her to be happy, and it would hurt to let this special bond break.  I have half-measures from my spouse.  I don’t need that from a lover.

When I was single, it was understood that if you went out with someone,  you might not be the only one.  It wasnt A problem.   Now, I want someone to take all of the passion I can share, but I want all of them, and only them.  If we grow tired of each other, at some point, fine, but until then, I want their full sexual and emotional fury.

Truth be told, I want this from my wife, but I don’t know if we ll ever get back to that point.  My kids still depend on me, but it just doesn’t seem right to stagnate “in the name of love”


Closer to the Truth

Wow, so a lot has happenned.  On the home front, got some much needed alone time.  My wife and I have been able to be much more frank with each other this week, and even more of a sense of humor.  We did have one major disagreement that brought up past memories for both of us, so it became emotionally charged.    I was able to admit that in the past I had been running away from some things rather than talking about them head on with my wife.  My wife was able to admit she had given up trying to communicate with me, and on many other things.  At the end of it all we came together.

So what about your online friend green dot girl (GDG)?  Well things are never better with her either.  Her relationship with her husband has grown stronger recently.  Even though we have a “no boundaries” type relationship, the foundation was families first. I know that may sound contradictory.  Those who cannot understand will judge.  I’m fine with that.

GDG is there for me, even if things get unsteady at home.  She understands me on a deep personal level as well as the kinky sex that I long for, and wants the same for herself.  We love pleasing each other.  We set a goal to make our spouses want us as bad as we want each other.  A lofty goal for couples married as long as we have been, but so oooo worthy of going for.  This is going to take a LOT of effort on both our parts.  I hate to even say this now, but we have talked about the possibility that sex would no longer be a part of our relationship if things changed at home at some point in the future, but still lifelong friends.  For now, I am not giving that any attention.  Not with the first clenching, heart pounding satisfaction we give each other now…the stuff dreams are made of.

Woo.  Back to reality, let me cool off and go into some of the developments of the week.  

So the reason I was able to start seeing for myself and admitting that I was to blame for just as many of the issues in my marriage, is because GDG helped me understand the value of honest, vulnerable conversation.  Some of my followers have reinforced that.  I have no desire to have the truth sugar-coated or feelings protected.  Give it to me straight!  I will take the punch, or get back up after I get my wind back.  It is just so much easier this way, but it’s not always easy.  I know sounds like another riddle.  All I mean is that I have had some really tough talks over the last couple of months.  Some of them basically risked it all, but here we are, stronger than ever.  Now I seem to be reaping the reward of that honesty.

Have I still been annoyed by little things at home?  Yep!  Still got a bag of issues, still human, but one thing at a time.  Love you all.

Home Front

So, a couple posts back I mentioned sending many texts to my wife about where we stand, how I feel about it and what she thinks.  I was disappointed to get no feedback.  Later, this week we were in disagreement about something and she decided to bring up the texts, and why texts.  Good question, for a normal functional couple, right?  Yeah, well that doesn’t exactly describe us.  The texts are only because the kids are always around and I had to get it out.

When she brings it up, she points out I am on my phone all the time.  I noticed that she had been doing the exact same thing.  When I mention it, she says she was in a deep dark place and can’t get out, so everything I see her do is just a mirror of how she sees me acting.  Ok.  So I tell her early in the day to take the kids over to her mom’s so we can talk.  I got no response.  Couple hours later, I text and tell her again to take kids to mom’s.  She replies not a good time.

I don’t know if kids have sports the next day or evening activities, sleepover with friends etc, so I let it go til I get home.  Nothing is planned.  I cannot continue to live in this denial.  I know my wife is depressed.  I’m back and forth on this, but I think I would want her to have an emotional affair with someone else to lift her up.  (even though I am fairly certain she already has some online activities) Our computer browser is ALWAYS in incognito mode.  Her phone vibrates in the early morning hours repeatly sometimes, and I have seen her quickly changing from one app to another when I approach.  She will not accept help from me, so maybe someone outside our marriage will help her.  If she decides at some point that life is better for her in the long term with someone else, so be it.  I love her as a person.

But here’s the thing, I have one last thing I will try before I am going to openly suggest her either having an affair or us parting ways.  I am going to press her like never before to get to the root of it.  She can ask and tell anything.  I don’t care if she gets mad, decides to hit me and scream.  She needs a release of some kind.  I am going to try and pry it out of her, and let her know that I am not sure if I can remain with her physically if she cannot open up to me or at least to a therapist.

Do I have my own bag of issues?  Hell yes!!!  The difference is I am talking about them and trying to address them to some degree.  Maybe that is going on inside her head, and it just hasn’t come out yet.  I don’t know.  But this weighs on me as well.  not having a partner, and seeing her moping.

I really don’t feel like doing anything around our house besides the basic stuff to go week to week.  I feel no motivation or teamwork with my wife.  No grand projects, and mostly, all money tied up in kids, and living paycheck to paycheck.  My wife won’t work full time, but criticizes me for not having a better job.  Pisses me off.  But there are costs to be paid that have much more damage than money.  Seems we are happier when apart lately.

I feel like this is the year I have to make a change….even if that means living on my own, working 2 jobs to get by undefinitely.  I hope that is not the end result, but the behavior my wife described of doing to me exactly how she feels I am wrong to her as a default setting….that really is concerning.  I mean at least be your own person if someone else is dragging you down.  Look for your own happy despite them.  I will offer a hand.  If it is slapped away, that is out of my control, and I will have my own decisions to make at that point.  I feel like this year is the year…make or break.


Peaks and Valleys

Well the last week has been quite the adventure.   It didn’t all feel good, in fact I never felt such loss or panic and grief in quite a long time as in the last week.  I also felt some of the highest highs, and warmest contentment.

I usually am very wordy in my description of events.  Recalling all of this is too painful to write at the moment.  It was almost the end.

In the end, my relationship with my GDG has always been honest and open.  I can’t have it any other way.  So far, we’ve accepted each other as we are, despite some differences that really pushed our limits.  If the day ever came where GDG felt protecting my feelings to keep peace were to replace the open communication we have always agreed on, I would want her to let me go.  To be clear THAT IS THE LAST THINK I WANT TO SEE HAPPEN!  This is what drives me to push my limits.

But I think accepting someone as they are openly and honestly, is more important than lying to yourself or partner and being quietly disappointed.  Life is full of disappointments.  GDG never ceases to amaze me.  At times makes me absolutely crazy from half a world away.  I feel as if I’ve let her down, and that hurts me maybe as much as her.

Still, at the end of it all, we remained honest and bold, and came together.  It was such an overwhelming calm to me.  I could take on anything in the calm after the storm.  I slept and functioned so much better the rest of the week.  How can I care so deeply for someone I never physically met?  Doesn’t matter.  Only thing that matters is that we have each other.  I think we both realize how much joy we bring to each other.  

I think when couples are together for a while they get scared to be honest. They hide and protect feelings rather than being themselves.    That is the beginning of the end.  The day 2 people can’t be themselves and enjoy each other’s company is the day they should part ways.  If one partner continues to grow, but the other will not change, it will hinder the other person from growing and cause bitterness and resentment.  If you realize your partner is different, try and get to know them, for who they are today.   See if they will open up.  It could be a beautiful new beginning,  or it could end years of misery.