When it comes to love, at times, I’m just an idiot, plain and simple. I create distance with made up assumptions. Not made up on purpose, but my defense system seems to do it automatically at all the worse times.
I was in the middle of a very intimate situation/moment. GDG was telling me how much she enjoyed us, loved me, and I said if she got to know me she would tire of me like my wife!
Uggh. Needless to say, that ruined the moment. But I really wanted to hear what she said, despite myself. In trying to convince her to stay and finish, I think I got to the root of one of my bag full of issues. In the end, I don’t really believe that any woman would be interested in knowing me at a deep level after they have known me for a while….As backstory, I have 2 friends in my life that I have kept up communication over the years. Besides family, that’s it. And I see family once or twice a year… Not sure what my wife sees, but the idea of family, and staying together for the kids would be my guess. Then, I’m no good at the guessing game either. I’m finally figuring out that the reason for that is that I put up some type of defense that puts off most people. I actually have GDG to thank for pointing that out.
Sure, on a social level, I can interact with many and diverse types of people. But get close, and no telling. But I love to be loved. Great song by Peter Gabriel with that title, that says a lot. So, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
People think I don’t believe in or trust them, but it is my own lack of belief in myself at times that creates obstacles and distance. It is that belief that I want to let go. I’m as worthy as anyone else of love. I’m starting to believe. I’m caring less about any personal feelings, than the fullness and acceptance from allowing love in your life. To let it wash over you. That is something no one can take from you, but it cannot be given if you do not accept it. Please allow my heart and mind to open. Please allow me to let go.