Little Walls

When it comes to love, at times, I’m just an idiot, plain and simple.  I create distance with made up assumptions.   Not made up on purpose,  but my defense system seems to do it automatically at all the worse times.

I was in the middle of a very intimate situation/moment.  GDG was telling me how much she enjoyed us, loved me, and I said if she got to know me she would tire of me like my wife!

Uggh.  Needless to say,  that ruined the moment.  But I really wanted to hear what she said, despite myself.  In trying to convince her to stay and finish, I think I got to the root of one of my bag full of issues.  In the end, I don’t really believe that any woman would be interested in knowing me at a deep level after they have known me for a while….As backstory, I have 2 friends in my life that I have kept up communication over the years.   Besides family, that’s it.  And I see family once or twice a year… Not sure what my wife sees, but the idea of family, and staying together for the kids would be my guess.  Then, I’m no good at the guessing game either.   I’m finally figuring out that the reason for that is that I put up some type of defense that puts off most people.  I actually have GDG to thank for pointing that out.  

 Sure, on a social level, I can interact with many and diverse types of people.  But get close, and no telling.  But I love to be loved.  Great song by Peter Gabriel with that title, that says a lot.  So, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

People think I don’t believe in or trust them, but it is my own lack of belief in myself at times that creates obstacles and distance.  It is that belief that I want to let go.  I’m as worthy as anyone else of love.  I’m starting to believe.  I’m caring less about any personal feelings, than the fullness and acceptance from allowing love in your life.  To let it wash over you.  That is something no one can take from you, but it cannot be given if you do not accept it.  Please allow my heart and mind to open.  Please allow me to let go.


Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

4 thoughts on “Little Walls”

  1. A psychologist told me once that if you have one or two best buds you are wealthy. Men usually have their wives to unload on and one or two friends. Women only have each other. We have found that men are too sensitive for the full truth about anything. Almost every woman I know says she does not allow herself to speak the full truth because it would hurt her husband too much. That is why you see women talking to each other for long periods of time. That is how they work things out. Your wife knows your weaknesses and your strengths. Sometimes she probably gets frustrated and irritable because she has to watch over your poor, pitiful feelings. What happens is….after marriage has lasted for a while women give up trying to constantly soothe your feelings and begin to tell the truth. Just like Jack Nicholson in the movie you can’t handle the truth, so you go out looking for someone who will soothe you again. Most women that I know would probably think to themselves just please grow up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for. the perspective. In my case, I have found someone who gives it too me straight rather than tries to soothe, which I find refreshing. I will welcome the day my wife does that regularly. I work with many women in my office and find some of the conversation between them so wonderful. Even if the subject matter brings them to tears, they still share. They do not hide this from me. They also share some of the funniest things I’ve heard in my life. Things they would probably not share with a spouse or parrner…in fact told me as much. Guys hate guessing where they stand and reading between the lines. I’m at a point where I want everything stripped down to the plain and simple. The guessing and games is too exhausting. And Moi, thank you for giving it to me straight.


  2. Are you referring to romantic love or friendship love? It’s always best to let go of any obstacles and self doubts. I’ve always had an issue of helping others, pleasing others and ignoring myself. I’m trying to catch up so forgive me if I missed anything. Are you leaning towards separation from your wife or still trying to work it out?

    Liked by 1 person

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