I don’t know how I feel. But I would describe it as deflated compared to previous days. All the excitement to be with my online friend seems not to be shared lately.
We had a great talk last night. I just feel the distance in recent conversations. Sure, we both have a life. Mine was so much better when I had someone excited to be with me. Don’t know if her home life improving, and feeling guilty about not giving me the opportunity, or my trust issues, or what, but it makes me sad. She keeps telling me she’s not going anywhere, and I almost believe her.
We are both adults, both with families and lives of our own. We knew that coming in. All things being equal, we were still excited to be with each other. We brightened each others day, where there did not seem to be much at the time. We are on opposite ends of the earth, so sometimes one of us has not even made it to the coffee pot yet, and the other has been wide awake for hours. Even so, I am always excited to hear from my GDG, but have not sensed the same excitement on the other end.
This is why I have a hard time trusting in the long term. I just feel like I have been interrupting her life more than contributing to it lately. Being put on pause hurts. Maybe she is scared or hurt by me not being able to believe she will stand by me, but I am watching actions and listening to words, and something has changed between us. I don’t know if she’ll even wants to talk about it anymore. God, give me strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
When I turn my attention to my wife, it seems I cannot change the way she feels about me. That is a real downer. I’m honestly getting tired of making an effort when all I get is rejection. I have made more of an effort recently. I tried holding her hand, but she did not want mine. I put my arms around her, and it’s like a timer is going off for when I will let her go. Only time I hear any excitement is when she talks about going to Greece. Wonder if she has her own online lover in a foreign land? This came out of nowhere a couple months back. Maybe she saw travel channel, who knows.
Nothing stays the same. I always told myself I would make a decision to do something else before becoming depressed about my own life. I stand by that. I can’t stay where I don’t feel needed and wanted. In the end, another person cannot provide you with lasting happiness. That has to come from you.
I am getting back in the gym, for a start. I am never going to look amazing, but I do feel better after working out. I have some new work goals on improving communication skills. Taking some online workshops as a start here.
Still, if we all have those days, today is one of those days for me…