Getting it in the open…

I had to talk with wife.  Text actually because kids are around and don’t want them in the middle.  Actually, pretty one-sided thusfar, but pretty much as follows:

There seems to be no time to talk with the kids around.  I let my wife know that I feel something has to change.  I can’t go on like we’ve been living.  Are the people we were in the first 20 years of our time together able to meet the needs of the next 20 years?  I dont know.  I do know we are both sorely missing a partner in life.  We’re not young lovers, but we’re not that old either.  If she feels like me, then she is probably tired of making an effort as well and feeling rejected.   I told her I still love her.  I didn’t know if I did anymore,  but it still hurts being rejected,  so I guess I do. 

 I just don’t know if I’m able to give her fulfillment,  whatever that means to her.  To me part is regular sex, but a much bigger part is actually feeling the person beside you cares about you, and wants to see you.  I know I have not made her feel that way as often as I should, and apologized, for what it’s worth.  I do not want to play the blame game.  I just want to know if we have the energy or desire to fix our current situation.  From my childhood, I know that 2 adults staying together for the kids is not always the best choice.  Kids are not stupid.  I want to be happy.  I want her to be happy.  Can we do that together?  Time will tell.

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Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

5 thoughts on “Getting it in the open…”

  1. You’ve opened the door and taken a step, which is an accomplishment in itself.. forgive me here as I’ve not updated myself fully with your posts, but what is it exactly that you feel is missing, sexually, emotionally, etc? For me, for example, I did not recognize anything missing until I met D – I was not looking for any sort of companionship or relationship outside of my marriage at all, but when D and I spoke it was like a void that I didn’t know existed was being fulfilled. Add to that the extreme sexual pleasure i experience with him and it’s like a fairy tale with all sorts of explosive positive endings. Can I tell my spouse that? Of course not – but what I can recognize now is that D and I have conversations about things that spouse and I never ever have – politics, philosophy, art, etc. it’s an entirely different relationship in many aspects. I’m hoping your wife responds in a way that will give you some clarity and help you to move in the direction you’re meant to be in. Xo

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    1. It was the same for me. Married 15 years, going through life. Met someone when not looking that just pulled the lid back. Nothing sexual with PLR (personal lightening rod), but opened my eyes to that void you mentioned. I was so attracted, consumed really by my PLR. When she met someone, it was a gut punch that took me a while to get over. Well, I did and opened my eyes about things in marriage missing. Yes, sex is part of it. My marriage is sex starved, but an even bigger issue was not feeling I have a partner. No shared intimacy, no emotional connection. I think she would do anything for the kids, but I feel left outside. Well, I was playing a random online game, commented about something, and started this beautiful friendship across the world. This is actually fulfilling in many ways. We make each other laugh, just being ourselves. And sexually, although there is no physical touch, we are both blown away. It doesn’t make sense really, but it is still beautiful. Unfortunately, I have gotten no response from my wife. We can’t talk openly with the kids around, which is why I sent her a couple of long texts. I got nothing back…denial? Indifference? In a relationship of her own, so doesn’t care? Who knows? I just told her I can’t go on like this. Life is too short. I feel like both my wife and I deserve to be happy, and question whether either of us has the energy to get things back on track. In the meantime, my new friend is filling a void. The satisfaction is real, but we both have families of our own, and across the world, so it is what it is. I just feel like I need and deserve the real thing in my life. Like to get there with my wife, but I can’t do it alone.

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    2. Previous reply I sent was VERY condensed. I probably sound like a giant slut…I’ve had to ask myself…Really though, now that the door to something better has been opened..that is what I want. Wife and I have not talked, but yesterday, our conversation was very nice all evening. No a ruin over stupid stuff, no tension. ..Could use more days like that. I’m happy to listen anytime..not the brightest guy, but I’ll lend an ear…sending positive energy your way.

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      1. “Giant slut” made me giggle 🙂 I didn’t get that impression at all .. your writing is honest – and I’ve always kind of prided myself on being non judgmental – so don’t worry 🙂 I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately (mostly brought on by my own head) but I seem to be getting a bit of a grip on things.

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      2. 🙂 Thx Wonderme. I’ve never felt judged. In my own head, just trying to make sense of how there seems to be this void to be filled…whenever the void is there I have to fill it. Maybe I just haven’t given my wife a chance recently…I can be brutally honest and vulnerable with my online friend. Feel like there’s always some part of me not accepted by wife, or will say all is ok, even if it’s not…maybe just in my head or never allowed myself to open up fully..at any rate, glad to hear you grip is strengthening. Thanks for sharing. Spiritual embrace to you.

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