My Worst Enemy

That’s right,  ME.

So yesterday I came home.  Had my hands full, and was unexpectedly mad at the door being locked.  I start kicking the door, or knocking with my foot, as I fumble for me keys.

I was not in a bad mood when I arrived at the house.  Anyway, my wife justifiably starts asking me why I’m kicking the door.  I just remembered why I was upset.  It was because just before bedtime the night before, I was told to fix the garage door.  It is older, and had been backed into before, and had separated a little when opened.  It was going to be a cold night.  When I got home, the other door was wide open.  I remember thinking, You’re (my wife) yelling at me to fix a crack in door, and leave the other wide open?

This is petty I know.  Just bear with me, not the worst of it…So my wife and I are pissed at each other 2 mins after I get home over stupid shit blown out of proportion.   

She tells me half an hour later via text that she had plans for me when I got home, but all those happy thoughts went out the window when I got home.

Great!  So I ruined a potentially wonderful evening.  Nice job….no one to blame but me.

So since my wife opens the lines of communication,  I send her about 20 texts telling first admitting I was an ass, and then on to other things about how I feel about our relationship.   How if we don’t get to know each other again, and establish some foundation of intimacy (not just sex), that we are screwed.

I woke up this morning and was a little surprised I didn’t have a single text response.   If she doesn’t talk to me at all further, I will have to consider the possibility of emotional manipulation?   I am brushed off, but never get a reasonable answer until well outside of the moment, so I take responsibility for this one, unless her actions lead me to think otherwise.  Regardless,  it was stupid to be upset at something so trivial.  I had dealt with so many more difficult situations during the day prior to that, and handled them much more gracefully. ..

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Things that make you go hmm…

I wake up this morning at 4 am to the sound of my wife’s phone vibrating like crazy.  I look over on the night stand and the display is still on, she is fake sleeping.

I get up and come out of rest room and she is rearranging the covers in the dark to lay down.  Phone display dark now…

Interesting to see how this all plays out.  We had been getting along better.   Maybe because we’re both using a third party?  Mine is not physical.  Don’t know in her case.  Relationships are weird after 20 years with someone.

Tonight can’t get time of day.  I was pissed at the pouty, cold attitude,  but it would bother me moreif I didn’t have someone who was actually glad to hear from me.  

 Wife and I are going on a trip in a couple months.  Just us.  Will be interesting how that car ride plays out.  Got some things I’d like to know.  Do I enjoy some time to unwind, or get to the heart of what’s wrong with us lately?  I wouldn’t mind if she felt like she had to go at this point.  Easy to say when you have someone in the next room I guess, even if they are vacant when it comes to noticing you.   Just tired.  Only time she talks to me is to say something to fix, buy or otherwise needs something.   Nothing ever between us.  Tired of looking for signs of life in this relationship. …Why do I keep trying?   I would feel much better if I didn’t try,  but maybe that’s exactly what she’s done…stop trying.    Seems to only create more misery in trying to duck responsibility.  I can’t live that way.  Whatever is bringing her down, not sure she’d even accept a hand up, or any support from me…only because it’s me.  I feel like the bad guy, but I’m not gonna feel bad.  Just feels like can’t win.

Thank goodness for my online friend GDG.   She keeps me grounded, and I feel like there’s someone in this world that I matter to.

Little Walls

When it comes to love, at times, I’m just an idiot, plain and simple.  I create distance with made up assumptions.   Not made up on purpose,  but my defense system seems to do it automatically at all the worse times.

I was in the middle of a very intimate situation/moment.  GDG was telling me how much she enjoyed us, loved me, and I said if she got to know me she would tire of me like my wife!

Uggh.  Needless to say,  that ruined the moment.  But I really wanted to hear what she said, despite myself.  In trying to convince her to stay and finish, I think I got to the root of one of my bag full of issues.  In the end, I don’t really believe that any woman would be interested in knowing me at a deep level after they have known me for a while….As backstory, I have 2 friends in my life that I have kept up communication over the years.   Besides family, that’s it.  And I see family once or twice a year… Not sure what my wife sees, but the idea of family, and staying together for the kids would be my guess.  Then, I’m no good at the guessing game either.   I’m finally figuring out that the reason for that is that I put up some type of defense that puts off most people.  I actually have GDG to thank for pointing that out.  

 Sure, on a social level, I can interact with many and diverse types of people.  But get close, and no telling.  But I love to be loved.  Great song by Peter Gabriel with that title, that says a lot.  So, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

People think I don’t believe in or trust them, but it is my own lack of belief in myself at times that creates obstacles and distance.  It is that belief that I want to let go.  I’m as worthy as anyone else of love.  I’m starting to believe.  I’m caring less about any personal feelings, than the fullness and acceptance from allowing love in your life.  To let it wash over you.  That is something no one can take from you, but it cannot be given if you do not accept it.  Please allow my heart and mind to open.  Please allow me to let go.

Trainwreck

Sometimes in relationships the best and worst things happen when you’re not paying attention.   In my case the latter applies today.

Let me start by saying that yesterday,  I was on top of the world.  Feeling really good about things and people in my life.  Out of seemingly nowhere,  things went horribly off track due to a communication issue with my GDG.  

Worst part is, after talking it over a little, we were both seeing something other than the truth of what was happening in the moment.  In my case, I felt I was interrupting a beautiful moment.  I felt this was personal to my GDG,  felt a bit like an outsider,  and that I did not belong there…She was surrounded by family and answering texts and talking smack with friends during a sports match.  So, I told her to enjoy the moment and excused myself.  Problem is, GDG wanted me in that moment.  I was part of it to her, regardless of how I felt.  When I left, it was seen as uninterested in what was going on…         I was put off by the short answer, basically telling me to get lost when I was seen as uninterested.     Honestly,  there was nowhere else I would have liked to be. 

Did I not see myself as worthy of inclusion?  We always put each other’s families and marriages first, which is an interesting dynamic in our relationship. Is it because I came in on a situation that I was not familiar with the teams or sport, and made an excuse so that I felt justified leaving? It’s true that I don’t care about sports, but was enjoying the moment though.   Whatever the case,  perception is reality in most cases.  So that means we’ve both had a shitty couple of hours.

So this got me thinking.   Are the same patterns happening in our marriages?   If so, how many wonderful times were missed because of preconceived notions between husband and wife.  Forget the general terms…what is going on in my case?  This is an answer you cannot get right without speaking to your partner.  Questions questions questions. ..When a couple is together for a while, they can get annoyed that their partner does not already know what they want.  “You don’t know that about me?”, etc….Thing about people is they are always changing.  We have to be patient with our partners sometimes when they ask us questions.  Do they ask the same question repeatedly at times? Maybe they are really uncertain about how to move forward on something, even if they already know the answer.  They may just want assurance that what applied in a situation previously is still the case today.  So the next time your partner asks you a bunch of questions,  don’t get annoyed with them.  They may be trying to figure out something to make your relationship or an experience you are doing together better.   But you have to ask, not assume!!!!!!!  Answer not get annoyed!!!!  I’m as guilty as anyone.