Kink and Acceptance

So this one obviously may contain some content that not everyone will want to view.  This will not become explicit, but if the title makes you uncomfortable, you may want to look for another article.  Also, kink is really just getting a mention here, so heads up this is not really going down that road either.

This sums up exactly what is missing in my marriage right now.  Now I have never really been that kinky in the bedroom, but I have to say that it is definitely a turn on.  The only thing that would hold you back from that pleasure is fear, and we all know that everything we ever wanted is on the other side of fear.  Maybe your partner cannot make that step with you.  In a lot of instances, including mine, that is probably the case.  I would venture that this is fantasty, so this departure from the norm in the bedroom is not going to degrade a person morally.  If you want it, own it.  If you are not comfortable in that situation, fine.  That is your personal preference.  But that longing to be sexual when you are wired that way never goes away.  It doesn’t define, but does explain part of who we are in some cases.  That part cannot be denied any more than whether a person is born with a certain eye color.  You know who you are.

I recently commented on another followers blog that I do not believe in unicorns or the perfect match in a partner, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater if you are fulfilled in many other ways with your partner.   The bigger issue is acceptance.  Can your partner accept you for who you are today?  Were they honest with themselves, years ago in some cases, when they said they took you for who you are, or did they agree to a relationship based on the potential they saw in you?  If the later is the case, it can make for a bumpy ride.    Are they just sticking together because of “family”?  What kind of example are you setting for your kids when there is an absence of closeness in your relationship?  Kids see through the BS, and by the time they are teenagers, they have no problem telling you as much in their moments of angst.  Or maybe we tell ourselves,”Hey, it’s not that bad..it’s not like we are arguing all the time.  Isn’t it normal that most couples disagree over the course of a relationship?”  Sure it is.  What are the disagreements over?  That is the better question.  If you are arguing about a home improvement, or where to go for dinner?  That’s normal.  Arguing about an issue that goes against the core values of one partner?  Now that’s an issue. It’s not fair to ask someone to be someone they are not, because that’s the way you want them.  Now in some cases, people would just like to be with SOMEONE else.  Doesn’t matter that much, as it beats being alone.

Well, for me, that’s just not good enough anymore.  If you don’t accept me for who I am, it means that you do not really respect me.  If you don’t respect me, there is no way you can love me.  If you don’t love me, I don’t need you in my life.

Wow, I am reading the last word of the first sentence in the paragraph above this one, which points to the last sentence in the previous paragraph…  Was not having to be alone really the basis of my decision to be in the relationship with my wife years ago, or just the way the thought came out?  If so, that’s very ironic, because I enjoy spending more of my time alone these days.  Don’t get me wrong.  I need that human interaction, but at the end of the day, I don’t want a party in my honor, I want a quiet retreat.  I’m trying to look at emotions logically, which is probably a mistake, but behind every emotion, there is an underlying thought that provoked it.  Just when you think you have a moment of clarity, there comes the confusion again….

So let’s turn this around for a second.  Do I accept my wife for who she is?  If so, do I accept it because I am tired of arguing about certain things or out of pure unfiltered acceptance?  Do I respect her?  Yes.  I may not always agree, but she has my respect.  She does disappoint in failing to take care of herself properly.  Eating right, exercising and sleeping enough.  That is her issue.  I cannot fix that.  Do I love her?  I cannot answer that question yet, because I cannot answer whether I accept her how she is.  I think I just got my answer by not having an easy answer to acceptance.  If you accept someone for who they are, it’s an easy yes…I believe I accepted who she once was, but do not fully accept who she is today.  It’s not fair to ask her to become who she was 20 years ago..We’ve both grown leaps since then.

So getting down to it..I’m disappointed at not feeling accepted for who I am by my wife, and yet if I’m honest, I have not been accepting her for who she is.  This is hard to type, and admit.  The next question is “can I  or do I want to?”  Oh , Jeez….that’s about all I have for the moment.  Bye for now friends.

 

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Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

11 thoughts on “Kink and Acceptance”

  1. I enjoy reading your candor and honesty. Please continue to remain that way <3. My heart aches that you don't feel accepted by your wife. You deserve to have what you want in your marriage. If you want to introduce kinks in the bedroom, you have the right to bring it up. After hearing you out and she doesn't accept those kinks, perhaps there can be a compromise of sorts. But you have the right share what would turn you on.

    I'm not a therapist yet, still in university studying to become one, but what I think is vital is communication. As I'm sure you already know. Perhaps expressing some of these thoughts that you feel comfortable sharing with your followers with your wife, may be beneficial in getting what you want and deserve.

    I hope your marriage will prosper and you both will grow in love and acceptance for one another. It may not be an easy process, but nothing ever worthwhile is easy right?

    Sending you positivity and love from one human being to another,

    -Falyn

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the comment! Communication really is the key. We have had some very difficult, honest conversations this year. Unfortunately, my wife does not seem that interested in sex, much less kink. Things have become very, well family-oriented shall we say, except mom and dad are just a role now. Fun time has left the building. I will be be candid, but I will be posting on the physiological and psychological benefits of regular sex. I have found a few. But am trying to find one that is fairly unbiased. In your studies, have you come across anything you could recommend? Thanks! Fight4urlover.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do want to disclose that I’m not a professional counselor and I’m only a college student who has yet to enter into graduate school to study Mental Health Counseling. Please take my recommendations however you please.

        Now with that being said, if after having discussions with your wife have not led to change or improvements, it might be best to add in an unbiased third party. Like a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). In this case it might be better to find a Sex therapist who can specifically help you with this topic because it relates more to the issue. If there are more issues going on that do not relate to sex, and the lack of sex or kinkiness is just a small issue, I would advise seeing a MFT instead. But up to you and your wife.

        Sex is a vital part of a relationship. Well, unless the parties involved are asexual. Then maybe not, lol. I think it’s really good that you are thinking about these issues and you seem to want to solve them. I would say keep that channel of communication with your wife open, and suggest to her about seeing a professional. But don’t push the issue if she declines. Giver her time to warm up to the idea. Seeing a therapist/counselor doesn’t mean anything negative, it just means that what is being done to solve the issue between you guys is not working. And it’s time to bring in help before things lead to resentment between you and your wife. That is what I recommend or what I would do if I was you.

        I don’t know if you are familiar with this blogger, but this person kind of faced a similar problem as you. This married couple came up with a solution that worked for them both. I’m not saying this is your answer, but I don’t know what is your limits or what you would be interested in trying. So check it out when you get a chance. 🙂

        Link: https://collaredmichaelcom.blog/2016/10/04/what-does-my-wife-get-out-of-this-lifestyle/

        -Falyn

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have not come across any studies yet, but I also have not actively searched for them. If I come across anything, you will be the first person I share it with. 🙂 Side topic, now that I’m thinking of this, have you ever heard of Fetlife.com? If not, it’s basically a social network for kinky people. You can meet up with kinksters (people who regularly enjoy and participate in kinky activities) through munches (casual social gathering of people involved or interested in BDSM) in your area; there are online groups on the website you can join for what ever kink you are interested in and you can ask any questions you have. Basically like Facebook but for kinky people. I recently joined the site and so far I have nothing bad to say. Just food for thought if you want to learn about what your kinks are. You can also take this test that most people on the website copy and paste the results on to their profile page. It’s basically a test that gives you results in percentages of how much you identify with certain kinks. Check out my blog if you are curious I’m talking about. My most recent post talks about the test and what my results were. It’s pretty interesting stuff.

        Link to the website for the BDSM testing of various kinks: http://bdsmtest.org/

        Take care!

        -Falyn

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Looking at your other posts, I will say that the end of the day your happiness matters the most. Yes of course your children and wife also matter, but if your heart is telling you that this marriage is not what you want. I would advise listening to it. I’m not saying make an impulse decision. Heavens no. Take as much time as you want and need to come up with a decision. Look into what the outcome of a divorce will be, what the process looks like, do your due diligence. A lot of people’s feelings are going to be impacted, so a haste decision is not smart at all.

        If you decide to leave, do it and don’t look back. As in, don’t doubt your decision. Trust within yourself. Use this opportunity you have of leaving the relationship to be a good father, to work on yourself, to travel, to work on having a good platonic relationship with your ex-partner.

        If you stay, you and your wife need to come up with some solution for the issues and implement it. Whether it’s finding a therapist or not. You and her cannot continue a relationship where one of you is not getting what they need. It’s a partnership. Not one-sided. After finding a solution and you see it works, have “meet-ins” every couple of months to see how the other is feeling. Are they getting what they need and desire? Are you both genuinely happy? Continue this open communication.

        In all, if you are not happy. You need to decide what it is you want while also taking into account how your decision will effect other peoples lives. But I would strongly advise not staying for someone else because that is what they want. Yes it’s selfless and a lot of people make this decision. But a lot of people also regret it.

        If you believe in God, pray about it, ask for his guidance. If you don’t, try to find a personal therapist and open up to them. They might be able to help guide you to want you want if you are unsure.

        I also recommend talking to your wife and having a heart to heart. Ask her if she is happy. If she wants to stay in this relationship. Share how you are feeling. Don’t bring up divorce because the other person might become immediately defensive. But just be honest that you are not happy and you guys need to do something about it; so for the rest of your guys life you can enjoy it and each other instead of continuing to live like how you feel for the rest of your life. Communication, communication, communication. So many things can be solved if you have a heart to heart. Which it seems like you are doing. Keep doing it.

        I wish you well,

        Falyn.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m glad to hear you are leaning towards a direction. I wish you nothing but positivity and love from one human being to another. I still suggest incorporating a therapist into you life, it doesn’t have to be for the long haul. It can be for how long you think it is helpful to you. The reason I recommend it, is because it’s just a comfort to have someone hear you out without judgment and to have them…bring a different perspective that you didn’t see before. Therapy can be a wonderful thing. I do want to play the devils advocate by saying this… if you do decide to go with divorce, take the time of being single again to just focus on the important things in your life. And that includes self-care. Hold off from the dating world, stay single for a while, focus on yourself and your children. I’m not saying you would jump out of a marriage and two months later be in a relationship, but it seems like divorced people kind of go that route? Not all of them, just some. Especially when the new girlfriend is younger then the ex-wife. Again, not saying you would do this. But if it happens, I would just stay single and enjoy your new life. Does that make sense? I hope I’m making sense lol. If you have a decision in place, I trust that you know what you are doing. 🙂 I’m always here if you want to talk. I will never judge and I will always give my honesty about what ever you want to talk about. Take care, dear. 🙂

        Like

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