Ok, so I guess I’ll go ahead and spill the beans…I am actually kind of relieved and indifferent right now. Another followup note to the person who came into my life and made it necessary to start this blog to try and keep my sanity.
Soooo, there were some developments with this person, which I have referred to as my personal lightening rod, or PLR for short.
When we first met, I was just bobbing through life. Doing the family thing, but my relationship with my wife has really been more about the kids, hardly about me, and even less frequently intimate….like 10 months one time.
The entire thing is chronicled in my blog, but I will try and give the short form…Said PLR just kind of appeared in my heart and thoughts. I didn’t really pay much attention at first. In fact, I was the one who kind of backed things off a little. Not turned off completely. I just couldn’t believe the things I was joking and thinking about. I almost instantly realized that this was a denial and a defense mechanism on my part. I tried to explain a little later that day, but timing never worked out.
She ended up dating a guy and it became pretty serious for several months….until it didn’t work out. It was so hard to turn my attention away from her during this period. Well, one day she sends me a song link, and starts being friendly with me. I stay on my side of the “emotional fence” for a while, but she gets to me again.
By this time, I have realized I will not exchange my current life and family situation for a woman that I know little about. In fact, I decide to start look at what is making me happy, and when others seem to be doing things to tear that down..fuck em..I watch my joy.
After talking with my wife about our situation, things got better briefly. I can’t help wondering if after 16 years, there is just so much disappointment on both our parts that it is just hopeless to try and rebuild. That conversation will be for another day.
The more I thought about it, the more I seem to realize that I want someone in my life that feels like a true partner. Where I’m not just a provider, where it seems it’s never enough, and things are more expected than appreciated.
To that end, my PLR and I were making subtle hints about getting to know each other better. No deep conversations, like what would need to happen about a lot of areas in life. Well, now she is seeing someone that she apparently has a 20-year history with. I’m like “What the fuck?!?”.
I sent her 2 long texts last week. One was kind of general, just saying that I would always remember her, and thanking her for the wake up call in my life, which was making me realize what was missing for me. She thanked me after receiving this, and we had some surface conversation. I felt the text could have sounded like a goodbye. We work together, so there is no time for us to have a deep conversation there, plus I fumble for words with her.
I sent a second long text a few days later. I told her I loved her, and that I always feel better around her, and that she always makes me laugh. There was a time she hinted at us drinking a bottle of wine and talking. I half thought she was fucking with me, so never responded much to that (DUMB ASS!!) I told her there was so much more I wanted to tell her, and so much more I wanted to learn about her. Then I acknowledged that she has a man, and my situation is complicated, so I should probably get over it. I wished all her dreams would come true, and gave my best to her family because she was going to a funeral. No gray area there!!
So that’s it. I felt a sense of calm after this, and I honestly will not stress about the outcome. I will continue to find my joys, so I have something to share with others…Best!!!