Happy New Year All

Well some of you have already rung in the New Year.  I’m Sure WP will be flooded with these posts today.

Just woke up early to ring in the New Year with my green dot girl..GDG..on other side of world.  We raised a toast, and drank each other up.

New Years has been just another day…nothing special. .we all know nothing changes unless you do..Today was special.   I hope you all have a special day, even if it is measured in a moment.   Love you all.  

You Can’t Write This!!!

I can describe the relationship that begun earlier this month online with someone across the world as Lover,  friend, companion,  marriage counselor,  therapist, spark that lights my day.  None of these roles alone fit, but they all apply.  Both of our minds have been blown beyond speech several times.  Every time it feels like things can’t be more open or intense, the experience levels up to our surprise.   The surprises come from so many similarities in our lives, and leading each other to new personal understandings, and new levels of trust.

Let me start with the most memorable moment for me personally.   We have a joke about seeing each other online with a green dot on computer.  We live for the green dot.  I know, how old are we?  Reborn, that’s how old.  I just started a new this year.  I’ll call her my green dot girl, GDG…among many other affectionate names.Anyway, she told me that she read my blog.  As a result, realized something about herself that allowed her to open herself back up to her husband, and said that it was because of me that their relationship hit a new high.  She even mentioned that he noticed the change, and thanked her for letting him love her.  She also said in the next breath that she did not think it possible to love 2 people at the same time, but loves me as well.  Now, when I stopped to reread the fact that I was able to improve someone else’s life from my own ramblings, I dropped to my bed and started crying uncontrollably.   I could not stop it.  It was a moment where my body shook,  as tears streamed down my face.  Tears of pure joy that I never thought possible.   I was just humbled beyond words.   She went on to tell me how much she trusted me, and told me her name address,  phone#, place of work and said didn’t care what I knew about her, and asked for nothing in return.  Yes, I gave her my REAL NUMBER.  What am I rhinking?  I don’t care!!!  I have faith in this woman.

    She then made me promise to never put her in place of my family.  To never give up, unless I’ve given it all.  She told me I still loved my wife, even though I felt otherwise.  She said the fact that I was bothered by being rejected by my wife was proof I still loved my wife.  She knew this because she had gone through the same thought process.  She told me to remember a time when I was in love with my wife, and build off of that feeling.  So I promised my GDG that I would make an honest effort.

    I love her so much too, my GDG…no one else has opened me up the way she has EVER in my life.  She said she wants to always be a part of my life.  How can I refuse?

    It’s All Right Now

    Yeah baby, it’s all right now.  I find myself smiling at different times, or remembering part of a conversation and chuckling to myself.  Singing sappy songs.  I haven’t felt this in a LONG time, and it feels really good.  This all due to my new friend on the other side of the world.  We had some deep and intense conversation yesterday,  and for hours yesterday and into today I feel a sense of calm.  The world seems loud sometimes.  I retreat into the quiet,  and emerge ready to deal with it all.  Bring the noise!

    So what about my PLR you may be asking?  The person who started this whole thought process this year.  The spell has been broken fully by my new friend, who has so much to offer. 

     When you meet someone who has this effect on you, you may feel scared at first by your feelings.   What does this mean?  I know I did for several weeks,  but can honestly say I’m good taking it day by day,  moment by moment. 

    To get to this point, we have had some very direct, tough and honest conversations.  Even though by nature I am not an open person, and am really more introverted,  I have held absolutely nothing back.  There were a few things that were hard for me to say.  It was easier for me to get past my own reservations and fears, than to let my friend think I did not trust her.  I had to first trust myself, and say no to fear.

    So, some of you are probably wondering “WHY don’t you have these kinds of talks with your wife?”?  I am met with resistance,  rather than an open willingness to get to the heart of the matter.  It’s not to say I won’t try again, but I’m just tired of having to pry at the moment.   

    This year, I plan to become stronger and burn brighter.  Although I do this first for myself, I love my inspiration afterburner, shooting me farther than I thought I could go.

    The Best Things in Life are Found When You’re Not Looking

    I cannot explain the series of events which have taken place over the last several weeks.  It all started playing a random game online.  Something off-color in the game made me laugh, so I used the chat feature to point it out.  I rarely use this feature,  and typically decline.  For some reason, this person responded, and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship over that last several weeks.  She is intelligent, sexy and seems to share a lot of the same amusements as I do, and lives on the other side of the world.

    There are coincidences..for lack of a better word, that are just mind blowing.  It’s like  “the Force” in Star Wars…We feel when we are thinking about each other across the world sometimes.  Many of the same issues in my marriage,  she too is dealing with.  All communication has been open and honest.  I have not laughed out loud so often in a long time.  With the time difference,  it is morning when it’s evening for the other.  Still, the messages which arrive brighten every day.  I have told her things that I have only shared with my closest friend and confidante,  and some of it she never even asked to know…Yesterday, we both said the words I LOVE YOU.  I know. ..It doesn’t make sense.  I stopped trying to understand., and am just going with it.

    We “ride” back and forth to work every day, and at night we have “pillow talk” time where we just talk to each other about our day, or whatever is on our mind at the time before we fall asleep.  It is so relaxing. 

    She is close to my age, has kids of her own, we we are both upfront about doing nothing rash.  We share songs to listen to, and generally brighten each others day.  We plan dates that we would go on together.  Some of the things she says inspire me to be a better version of me, but she takes me for who I am now.  That means so much to me.  I take her for who she is.  We are so different in some ways that, neither of us can see why we enjoy each other’s company.

    Now if someone reading this wants to get all judgey, you can do that, but this is my life.  I appreciate feedback from all my readers just the same.

    This post does not contradict my previous post.   In my mind, it affirms it if anything.

    Nonetheless,  my eyes are still open to what’s already in front of me.  My kids enjoyed their Christmas, and seeing them smile means the world.   I still have decisions to make in my life.  Don’t know if current marriage will work out.  I will surround myself with people and things that lift me up, not tear me down.  I will not swap one reality for another, if you will, but will remain steadfast on mission to be the guy I’m proud to be.  I don’t need anyone else’s approval or acceptance for this.  Love you all…

    Fight for Your Happy

    Hello everyone.   It has been a while since my last post, but it’s hard to write when your world is upside down with no gravity…but not impossible.  More to follow this post.

    When I started this blog,  I chose the name fight4urlover because I was trying to sort out feelings between my marriage and another person that came into my life unexpectedly.   Through posting and getting it all out there, I figured out it is more important to be your own hero than anyone else’s.  Be true to yourself, and if someone else enjoys who you are, enjoy the ride together.   To that end, I am no longer fighting for my lover…  I am fighting to be the person I am proud to look in the mirror every morning.

    Kink and Acceptance

    So this one obviously may contain some content that not everyone will want to view.  This will not become explicit, but if the title makes you uncomfortable, you may want to look for another article.  Also, kink is really just getting a mention here, so heads up this is not really going down that road either.

    This sums up exactly what is missing in my marriage right now.  Now I have never really been that kinky in the bedroom, but I have to say that it is definitely a turn on.  The only thing that would hold you back from that pleasure is fear, and we all know that everything we ever wanted is on the other side of fear.  Maybe your partner cannot make that step with you.  In a lot of instances, including mine, that is probably the case.  I would venture that this is fantasty, so this departure from the norm in the bedroom is not going to degrade a person morally.  If you want it, own it.  If you are not comfortable in that situation, fine.  That is your personal preference.  But that longing to be sexual when you are wired that way never goes away.  It doesn’t define, but does explain part of who we are in some cases.  That part cannot be denied any more than whether a person is born with a certain eye color.  You know who you are.

    I recently commented on another followers blog that I do not believe in unicorns or the perfect match in a partner, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater if you are fulfilled in many other ways with your partner.   The bigger issue is acceptance.  Can your partner accept you for who you are today?  Were they honest with themselves, years ago in some cases, when they said they took you for who you are, or did they agree to a relationship based on the potential they saw in you?  If the later is the case, it can make for a bumpy ride.    Are they just sticking together because of “family”?  What kind of example are you setting for your kids when there is an absence of closeness in your relationship?  Kids see through the BS, and by the time they are teenagers, they have no problem telling you as much in their moments of angst.  Or maybe we tell ourselves,”Hey, it’s not that bad..it’s not like we are arguing all the time.  Isn’t it normal that most couples disagree over the course of a relationship?”  Sure it is.  What are the disagreements over?  That is the better question.  If you are arguing about a home improvement, or where to go for dinner?  That’s normal.  Arguing about an issue that goes against the core values of one partner?  Now that’s an issue. It’s not fair to ask someone to be someone they are not, because that’s the way you want them.  Now in some cases, people would just like to be with SOMEONE else.  Doesn’t matter that much, as it beats being alone.

    Well, for me, that’s just not good enough anymore.  If you don’t accept me for who I am, it means that you do not really respect me.  If you don’t respect me, there is no way you can love me.  If you don’t love me, I don’t need you in my life.

    Wow, I am reading the last word of the first sentence in the paragraph above this one, which points to the last sentence in the previous paragraph…  Was not having to be alone really the basis of my decision to be in the relationship with my wife years ago, or just the way the thought came out?  If so, that’s very ironic, because I enjoy spending more of my time alone these days.  Don’t get me wrong.  I need that human interaction, but at the end of the day, I don’t want a party in my honor, I want a quiet retreat.  I’m trying to look at emotions logically, which is probably a mistake, but behind every emotion, there is an underlying thought that provoked it.  Just when you think you have a moment of clarity, there comes the confusion again….

    So let’s turn this around for a second.  Do I accept my wife for who she is?  If so, do I accept it because I am tired of arguing about certain things or out of pure unfiltered acceptance?  Do I respect her?  Yes.  I may not always agree, but she has my respect.  She does disappoint in failing to take care of herself properly.  Eating right, exercising and sleeping enough.  That is her issue.  I cannot fix that.  Do I love her?  I cannot answer that question yet, because I cannot answer whether I accept her how she is.  I think I just got my answer by not having an easy answer to acceptance.  If you accept someone for who they are, it’s an easy yes…I believe I accepted who she once was, but do not fully accept who she is today.  It’s not fair to ask her to become who she was 20 years ago..We’ve both grown leaps since then.

    So getting down to it..I’m disappointed at not feeling accepted for who I am by my wife, and yet if I’m honest, I have not been accepting her for who she is.  This is hard to type, and admit.  The next question is “can I  or do I want to?”  Oh , Jeez….that’s about all I have for the moment.  Bye for now friends.