Fresh out

When I started this blog, it was about exploring the personal truth of my life and some of the situations that have come up recently.  I have tried to remain positive, but today I just need to get something off my chest, so scroll to the next post if you are looking for some inspiration.

I was about to start a post called “Fuck It”…I’ve been trying to remain positive and all that, but tired of looking for the sunny side of the turd at the moment.  Everyone in my house EXPECTS, but does not show any appreciation, and I about out of “Give a Fucks”.

Part of the frustration is that my wife is either out with the kids or on the phone many times when we could be talking.  Yesterday, there were some leftovers in the fridge that I ate.  Those were the ones she “looking so forward to eating.”  Did she say anything to anyone?  Nope!  I offerred to go out and get her something, and it was one of those moments she did not want to be helped.  She just went upstairs and took a nap.  I went to the store and got some things that I thought she might like to make for her.  When she woke up, she did not want it, and asked for the same food that I offerred to go out and get before she took a nap.

I’m so over it that I started looking at how much I could get a place of my own for, and what other jobs I could pickup for extra money.  At least to know what my options are.  Life is too fucking short.  I’m about ready to start looking for lawyers to see what kind of a financial strap I would be looking at with divorce.  I just can’t see another 20 years of living this way.  Think I’d rather be by myself than putting up with all this.  As far as the kids, I will support them.  One thing I would teach them is to get the fuck out of a relationship if someone is making you miserable through their own apathy.   They may not see this now, but I know they feel tense at times with some of the exchanges between my wife and I.

I don’t care if the whole world wants to side with my wife.  The world is not living in my shoes.  Am I exaggerating the whole situation in my head?  Maybe so, but perception is reality in many cases.  I know I’m a good person at heart.  I’m beginning to wonder if one can experience personal freedom in a long term relationship…this coming from someone who’s been married for 16 years…Maybe just waking up?

I know freedom is not free, and that it’s not all about me.  All I know if that I need some joy in my life sooner than later.  I do not intend to become someone who ends up depressed trying to fix a hopeless situation.  Some things cannot or don’t want to be fixed.  If anyone who has been following this from the beggining has any deep probing insights they want to share, now would be the time.

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Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

4 thoughts on “Fresh out”

  1. This may sound corny but follow your heart. There is nothing wrong with knowing your options and choices available to you. You do not need to be held to them at the moment unless you declare them.
    All I can advise is to do your homework and then sit with this information for a while til you make a choice. You may just be overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated at this moment (sounds like its more than that really) but I’d advise never to rush into such a decision (I also doubt you’d do that standardly)
    Sometimes relationships just run their course. People grow and sometimes its hard to find common ground, let alone the connection being sought by each individual. Needs change, wants change and its okay. I’d suggest it’s better to show your kids that everyone deserves to be happy in a marriage/relationship and that if their parents chose to go their separate ways it would make for a closer connection with them. You could focus on finding your happy and letting mum do the same and maintain a good relationship with your kids by presenting your best self to them in the long run.
    All I’m saying is that I don’t think you need any advice. I think you second guess and analyze yourself often and that simply shows how much you care about your family.
    Its up to you, in your own time and after researching and doing some further soul searching to make a decision…a choice about how you choose to live your life and with whom.
    I wish you the best of luck with your continued journey of self discovery. Whenever it gets too hard, stop trying and have some fun and chill; don’t think…just be. Side step the moods of others and find something that makes you smile or even laugh. It will all come to you. You have been on this journey for a while now…it will come to you as long as you don’t doubt your intuition and listen to others specifically. You are correct in saying that no one else lives with your wife…only you know what truly goes on behind closed doors and 16 years is not something to be sneezed at. You know your heart. In time your choice will be clear to you. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thanks for the thoughtful response Crystal! It has been awhile on this awakening journey. Things have changed several times over the last few months, hence all the back and forth in my mind. You are right about my tendency to overthink. I definitely think taking a step back and finding my happy sounds good. May help to break up some of my homework. I actually enjoy singing on this app Smule. Cheap entertainment. Anyway, thanks again for your insight, and have a good rest of the day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can’t read past the app you enjoy line…but I hope you are focusing on your joy. We truly don’t have anything to give If we are “empty” within.
        Take care and please let yourself be for a while (without taking on the “stuff” of others.) Focus on what you feel when happy…where your thoughts roam and embrace your own kinda happy. There is plenty of time to sort the rest out…until there simply isn’t. Then you will know your heart and what’s best for it anyhow…so chill and let It come to you. You need not try to be forever a people pleaser…please yourself; said in the nicest kind of way as your life does not always have to be in response or preemptive of others emotions/moods.

        Liked by 1 person

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