When I started this blog, it was about exploring the personal truth of my life and some of the situations that have come up recently. I have tried to remain positive, but today I just need to get something off my chest, so scroll to the next post if you are looking for some inspiration.
I was about to start a post called “Fuck It”…I’ve been trying to remain positive and all that, but tired of looking for the sunny side of the turd at the moment. Everyone in my house EXPECTS, but does not show any appreciation, and I about out of “Give a Fucks”.
Part of the frustration is that my wife is either out with the kids or on the phone many times when we could be talking. Yesterday, there were some leftovers in the fridge that I ate. Those were the ones she “looking so forward to eating.” Did she say anything to anyone? Nope! I offerred to go out and get her something, and it was one of those moments she did not want to be helped. She just went upstairs and took a nap. I went to the store and got some things that I thought she might like to make for her. When she woke up, she did not want it, and asked for the same food that I offerred to go out and get before she took a nap.
I’m so over it that I started looking at how much I could get a place of my own for, and what other jobs I could pickup for extra money. At least to know what my options are. Life is too fucking short. I’m about ready to start looking for lawyers to see what kind of a financial strap I would be looking at with divorce. I just can’t see another 20 years of living this way. Think I’d rather be by myself than putting up with all this. As far as the kids, I will support them. One thing I would teach them is to get the fuck out of a relationship if someone is making you miserable through their own apathy. They may not see this now, but I know they feel tense at times with some of the exchanges between my wife and I.
I don’t care if the whole world wants to side with my wife. The world is not living in my shoes. Am I exaggerating the whole situation in my head? Maybe so, but perception is reality in many cases. I know I’m a good person at heart. I’m beginning to wonder if one can experience personal freedom in a long term relationship…this coming from someone who’s been married for 16 years…Maybe just waking up?
I know freedom is not free, and that it’s not all about me. All I know if that I need some joy in my life sooner than later. I do not intend to become someone who ends up depressed trying to fix a hopeless situation. Some things cannot or don’t want to be fixed. If anyone who has been following this from the beggining has any deep probing insights they want to share, now would be the time.