THIS POST IS THE RESULT OF A COMMENT ON A PREVIOUS POST. I wanted to give it a thoughtful answer, and by the time I finished reading my response, it really warranted an entire post.
Hello Moi, First of all thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions. You are one of a few people I have met so far here who will just tell it like they see it, good or bad. That is exactly the type of feedback I am looking for here at WP. Candy-coated words or a pat on the back when one is not warranted is not why I come here.
The first thing that struck me about your response was your opening sentence about my needing to decompress from my job. I found that interesting, because I have posted very little about my job situation, and am happy with both the job and the people I work with. In fact, the difference in my working life after a career change is part of what inspired me to look into other areas of my life to change. The post that you responded to was mainly a positive affirmation to watch myself that day because I only had 4 hours of sleep. I know myself well enough that I am more likely to say something I don’t mean when sleep deprived.
The next thing that I want to make clear is this. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Was there a time where that may have happened over the last couple of months? Possibly. In fact, in the last couple of weeks, I had a dream about how good being appreciated by someone else would feel and the ow was in the dream. I now recognize that for what it is…the need to feel close and appreciated by SOMEONE. That someone could be my wife. I know that I can’t piss my wife off all the time and expect appreciation…it doesn’t work that way. We are going to have to work TOGETHER, better than we currently do, to have a family environment that kids will benefit from. At this point, I realize that the beginning of any relationship will seem sunny and nice, and am past the infatuation phase with the ow. I have instead turned my attention to improving myself.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I am going to come here and beat myself up over my shortcomings. I am also not going to be a doormat, for someone to take an emotional dump on me whenever they feel like it. I am working on changing myself for the better, but am not going to exhaust myself giving 100% to someone who is only willing to give very little effort. And let me clarify. My wife is an excellent mother to our kids. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for them. I just feel we have lost our center and connection to one another, and I want to win that back, or realize that I gave it my best and move on. Repeat WIN THAT BACK, because I know it’s not something she is just going to GIVE me. Maybe sharing a common ground by talking more about the kids with her is a good place to start. On the other side, if we cannot meet in the middle, I don’t have to be unhappily married to my wife to be a good father to my children. We all deserve better. I do recognize that relationships have their ups and downs. Been with my wife for 16 years.
I do know couples who fall into the category that you mentioned. I also personally know many couples with children who have divorced, and are now with someone who really gets them and are much happier than their previous marriage. Sometimes, people just grow apart in ways that could never have been seen decades prior. Maybe sometimes they did see it, but were not honest about their feelings until later in life. At any rate, in my situation it is about more than two people getting along…I have my kids to think about and that is THE BIGGEST FACTOR of the equation.
This place is kind of like a diary of sorts. I post a lot of day-to-day things that may sound trivial. The reason I post them is so that I will remember them. I don’t know how much of my blog you read, but in the moment, I sometimes write about the raw emotions. This blog is anonymous, so I’m not really worried about hurting anyone’s feelings, my own included. Now, that doesn’t mean that I will out and out attack someone for sharing their story either. I do appreciate the support of other people here, and am glad to be involved in the sharing of their stories. I have learned a lot over the last 6 months. Having received support, I also enjoy providing support when I can -to either one of my few followers or anonymous posters. I don’t think anyone comes here to hear “You are right.” or “I’m so sorry to hear that, blah, blah blah.” People in everyday life will provide useless surface talk like this. In my experience, people come here for the honest, like-it-or-not, truth. If I’m wrong about something, I will admit it.
Regardless of their situation, I think most people would benefit from the quiet time with no electronics that you mentioned. Some can call it meditation, some taking a nap, or just chilling out. I also think that anyone reading should recognize the truth you stated about new relationships potentially being a temporary fantasy. Don’t let your ship get driven into the rocks listening to the sirens. If anyone wants a change, change YOU first for the best. Don’t look to someone else to provide that.
Moi, I do hope you will continue to read, and if you have any insights, please share them. I realize that your neighbors may have been friends, and that situation may not have been easy to watch as it played out. Your response made me realize how much I actually have thought about the big picture over the past couple of months, because I could easily address all of your points raised because it’s something I had considered recently. Having said that, I do not have all of the answers. If nothing else, I can learn the type of perceptions that may be interpreted from the story of my life that I am laying out for the world to see. My goal is to be open about my life, improve my life, and not to be ashamed about any of it because I did the best I could at the time.