So I started to list this out, after one of my realizations some months ago, and just got around to finishing it this morning. Hey, at least I came back to it and finished…
- Kids have a balanced happy childhood. The kids are doing very well in school now. We’ve gotten to do some amazing things as a family. Maybe the possibility of their dad not being in the same house with them never crosses their mind. I am not ashamed to say that I am afraid of what bringing up the possibility might mean to them. To my younger sibling and myself growing up, it would not have been the end of the world with my parents…maybe even a welcoming possibility, but everyone is different. My worst case, is that the foundation of family that they may take for granted is cracked, and they become anxious and fearful of change. Also, I don’t know how this might affect their relationship with future men they meet.
- Personal space and times where I can be as loud or as quiet as I need to be, and not feeling judged by what I do with my time. I love watching that reality TV prank show “Impractical Jokers”, but it drives my wife crazy. I don’t know if it’s because it’s one of the few things that makes me laugh out loud happy, or she just cannot take the guys’ sense of humor. At any rate, I don’t like being vocally judged each time she comes in the room, and sees the show on. In fairness, when we were younger, and she watched soap operas, I did something similar. All the drama just looked weak to me, and I felt like she was using it as some type of crutch for something she may be missing. Maybe that was one of the early signs that neither of us acknowledged? I just NEED my space. Like last night, everyone was going to the movies with my wife’s mom. This may sound selfish, assholish or whatever to some people, but I really just enjoyed the time sitting there on the couch watching TV. There are plenty of other times that we get together and do things. If that makes me an asshole, so be it. It’s who I am. I didn’t hide it from anyone.
- I need a partner. Someone who sees me for who I am today, not who I might be one day. I have a twisted sense of humor and am random at times, and need someone who can appreciate, or at least tolerate this. As far as activities that I enjoy when not at the house, I like being outside, but not really into any sports. Someone who takes care of themselves. Makes attempts to eat right and exercise. Do not have to go to a gym or anything, just trying to make yourself better. I understand if you need another person to push you on at times…so do I. Someone who I can trust and trust with my kids. Someone that shares a common interest in being out in nature, music or other activities. Someone who will not feel disappointed if they do not have the newest and shiniest toys that come out, and would not be able to go to every single event that comes to town that they enjoy. Someone who likes a neat, organized living space and work together to keep it that way. Someone who likes to explore dirty sex. Who is naturally hot blooded(body temp), so I can lay next to them without overheating them. Someone who has their finances in order. Someone who is social but treasures our time together and balances our time together. I don’t ask much, do I 🙂 ? Some of these I see in my wife, but many I do not. I just she is focused more on the kids than us, but she is a GREAT mom to my kids. I do not hold the fact that ALL the boxes are not checked against her. We have accomplished so much together over the last 16 years. I just think we both need to change a little to see if we are still good partners today.
- Stable job in a nice work environment. .I got this covered already, but need it that way, not want.
- To be able to plan fun things to do at least once a month without feeling strapped financially. To be able to go out to eat at least once a week. I don’t need or want to have my calendar booked every single weekend. I would be interested in coming up with a budget with my partner, and deciding on what events we wanted to attend within our means. Along with the joys of home ownership come a lot of expenses. Throw in children, and any money you may have had left over gets earmarked for something either today or in the near future. Maybe I need to go back to working 2 jobs again. I did 3 jobs before, but was a dead man walking for about 6 months.
- OK BONUS ROUND. Protect my boundaries and COMMUNICATE BETTER AND MORE OFTEN. I am a laid back guy, so this one is a little challenging. I have tended to go with the flow and avoid drama most of my life, and it has seemed to serve me fairly well. I do not want to put myself in a box, and protect the box. There are just some things about myself that I would like to be able to articulate better, if for nothing else to explain why something is important to me to my partner or understand better myself. HEY, I THINK I JUST CAME UP WITH MY NEXT POSTING!! I have articulated WHAT, now I can get into the “WHY?” .