So, not a lot of posts recently. I think it’s like a tsunami. These waves of emotion stirred up earlier in the year all came to a head, broke and went everywhere. Since then, I’ve just been kind of taking things in an surveying the whole scene.
I enjoy reading the posts of my followers to see what is going on with them. Today, I decided to check out some of my old posts. There was a statement I made in one post, that I disagree with now. Yes, I’m conflicted, among other things.
So, I said I would be okay with my wife having an affair if that’s what it took for her to get back to feeling like her old self. With some of the dreams I have had recently, I realize that is anything but true for me today. At the time, I mentioned that I had “kind of given up”, and wanted her to be some semblance of who she was. Well that sounds altruistic, but you know, I don’t feel that way today. I would be pissed. My kids love me. I want my woman to show her love for me, if it’s there. If not, I will find someone who loves me for who I am at the core.
I walked a lot of the dark shadows of my life over the past couple of months. I found strength in walking through the dark, but I know the goal is always back to the lighter side of life. I think any person with real strength has to do this.
I follow a few people here who are well on the way to becoming their own hero, and I want to walk on that same journey do the same for myself. I don’t need anyone else to do this. I just need to say no to fear and yes to faith at every turn. At times it may look like there is no faith to be had, and I will have to build it out of hope, love and experiences that test it. Sure, I am going to get conflicted, and feel like I am going backwards at times. Sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean things up…