So been a while since I came here to let go of any thoughts. So, it seems like my story is just another in a recurring theme that goes something like this. Meets person out of the blue that has profound affect on them, which causes evaluation of current relationship. Other person is or becomes unavailable for various reasons. “Affected person” still thinks about the other person, but remains with spouse/partner for various and complex reasons, but is constantly evaluating both sides, and wondering if they are better off on their own or continuing the same path with a curve in the road. I know how the phrase, “It’s complicated” got started.
Well, one thing I realized is that there is so much more to me which can’t be defined by a relationship between me and one other person. I’m a dad who is helping to support the beginnings of two beautiful daughters. I realize now more than ever that no matter how often my daughters may give attitude, they really do enjoy their dad. My wife is used to me fixing the cars and other things around he house that would normally cost a ridiculous amount of money. I really like my wife’s family. Before her dad passed away, we did many projects together, and I still take care of the yard over at my mother-in-laws. If anything comes up, I help my wife’s mom out, and she helps us out. My wife’s and my own retirement lifestyle depend on all the choices we have made over the last 16 years. Granted, that is still a long way off, but something to think about. Kids insurance and medical expenses, safety and security of my kids…the list goes on.
Ok DJ, now scratch the record and make the whole club silent for a second cause I want to put a piece of me into this whole equation. This is just a sort of fantasy night out with my wife (I’m keeping it clean people) So, I have always been into music, and have recently discovered some great local bands. In the middle of working the other day, I spaced out on the idea of taking my wife out to a club where one of these bands is playing and taking UBER there and back because it’s time to cut loose. We spend some time talking at the bar, and then head over to the middle of the crowd when the band is cranking it up, and the place is on fire. We are rocking out in the middle of the crowd, and I take my beer and hold it into my wife’s mouth, and then tip the bottle all the way up so it overflows her lips and down her clothes. Instead of getting mad, she takes her beer and does the same to me. We both laugh about it and carry on to the music having a crazy evening talking with people before we Uber back to the house. Aaaaaand, I’m back. Something like that would probably never happen, but that is what the real me would enjoy. Playing it out again, I think I will at least bounce the idea off my wife. If I write about a black eye and being left in the city next week, at least you know the backstory.
It seems I can express the real me at work, or here alone in my thoughts, although I must say the real me comes out at home appreciated or not. Most times when I express the real me at home, it’s considered obnoxious. I am an introverted person by nature, so when I’m around people I know and in good company I really like to open up and cut loose. When it seems no one really cares about the real me at home, I’m a little less apt to share it.
Another real me moment in the world. This one happened. I was at the grocery store looking for some cheese one weekend. I was looking for 2 different types of cheese that were rather picked out. I am bent over looking at the refrigerated area where all the cheeses are, and I sense someone behind me. I look back momentarily and see a woman, and move to the side a little in case she needs to get something I am standing in front of, since I still haven’t found what I want. Instead of picking something up, she walks to the other side of the display. I am still looking for the cheese, and I feel like I’m being watched. I glance up, and see her looking across, but do not make eye contact. Finally, I give up, and walk past the display towards the other side of the store to get something else off the list. She veers off to the side and then makes a path in my direction. I see she is fairly attractive. Blonde hair in a sun dress, slightly plump, but just right figure. I pick up the other things I need, and head to the other end of the store. She walks slightly in front of my path, and kind of shimmies when she walks. Wow. But I was a “good dog” and watched her walk off. In a moment like that, I don’t think people have a real appreciation for how hard it is to actually walk away rather than introducing yourself. So, obviously this person was interested in finding out more about me. I don’t get that invitation anywhere else in my life. Nothing would have made me happier than a debaucherous (is that a word?) couple of hours, or even laughing about regular stuff with someone who actually finds the real me interesting. I have been walking the line, but never crossed for 20 years, counting the time my wife and I lived together before we got married.
So this collage of thoughts means one thing in a nutshell. Even with all of the things I am responsible for in my life that go outside of myself, I am still a human being that has basic needs that include love and attention. Being happy is not too much to ask, but sometimes there are things in life that are more important than personal happiness. You gotta find that balance. No one else is really interested in, or maybe even doesn’t know what makes you happy. It’s up to you to find it, and communicate it if necessary, while at the same time realizing this is YOUR personal happiness, and you are not emperor of some spaceship. You have to actually share your world. Choose carefully.