Personal Power

Ok, so this link helps someone else promote their book, but still some very good points…



You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby

THIS POST IS THE RESULT OF A COMMENT ON A PREVIOUS POST.  I wanted to give it a thoughtful answer, and by the time I finished reading my response, it really warranted an entire post.

Hello Moi, First of all thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions. You are one of a few people I have met so far here who will just tell it like they see it, good or bad. That is exactly the type of feedback I am looking for here at WP. Candy-coated words or a pat on the back when one is not warranted is not why I come here.

The first thing that struck me about your response was your opening sentence about my needing to decompress from my job. I found that interesting, because I have posted very little about my job situation, and am happy with both the job and the people I work with. In fact, the difference in my working life after a career change is part of what inspired me to look into other areas of my life to change. The post that you responded to was mainly a positive affirmation to watch myself that day because I only had 4 hours of sleep. I know myself well enough that I am more likely to say something I don’t mean when sleep deprived.

The next thing that I want to make clear is this. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Was there a time where that may have happened over the last couple of months? Possibly. In fact, in the last couple of weeks, I had a dream about how good being appreciated by someone else would feel and the ow was in the dream. I now recognize that for what it is…the need to feel close and appreciated by SOMEONE. That someone could be my wife. I know that I can’t piss my wife off all the time and expect appreciation…it doesn’t work that way. We are going to have to work TOGETHER, better than we currently do, to have a family environment that kids will benefit from. At this point, I realize that the beginning of any relationship will seem sunny and nice, and am past the infatuation phase with the ow. I have instead turned my attention to improving myself.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I am going to come here and beat myself up over my shortcomings. I am also not going to be a doormat, for someone to take an emotional dump on me whenever they feel like it. I am working on changing myself for the better, but am not going to exhaust myself giving 100% to someone who is only willing to give very little effort. And let me clarify. My wife is an excellent mother to our kids. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for them. I just feel we have lost our center and connection to one another, and I want to win that back, or realize that I gave it my best and move on. Repeat WIN THAT BACK, because I know it’s not something she is just going to GIVE me. Maybe sharing a common ground by talking more about the kids with her is a good place to start.  On the other side, if we cannot meet in the middle, I don’t have to be unhappily married to my wife to be a good father to my children. We all deserve better. I do recognize that relationships have their ups and downs. Been with my wife for 16 years.

I do know couples who fall into the category that you mentioned. I also personally know many couples with children who have divorced, and are now with someone who really gets them and are much happier than their previous marriage. Sometimes, people just grow apart in ways that could never have been seen decades prior. Maybe sometimes they did see it, but were not honest about their feelings until later in life. At any rate, in my situation it is about more than two people getting along…I have my kids to think about and that is THE BIGGEST FACTOR of the equation.

This place is kind of like a diary of sorts. I post a lot of day-to-day things that may sound trivial. The reason I post them is so that I will remember them. I don’t know how much of my blog you read, but in the moment, I sometimes write about the raw emotions. This blog is anonymous, so I’m not really worried about hurting anyone’s feelings, my own included. Now, that doesn’t mean that I will out and out attack someone for sharing their story either. I do appreciate the support of other people here, and am glad to be involved in the sharing of their stories. I have learned a lot over the last 6 months. Having received support, I also enjoy providing support when I can -to either one of my few followers or anonymous posters. I don’t think anyone comes here to hear “You are right.” or “I’m so sorry to hear that, blah, blah blah.” People in everyday life will provide useless surface talk like this. In my experience, people come here for the honest, like-it-or-not, truth. If I’m wrong about something, I will admit it.

Regardless of their situation, I think most people would benefit from the quiet time with no electronics that you mentioned. Some can call it meditation, some taking a nap, or just chilling out. I also think that anyone reading should recognize the truth you stated about new relationships potentially being a temporary fantasy. Don’t let your ship get driven into the rocks listening to the sirens. If anyone wants a change, change YOU first for the best. Don’t look to someone else to provide that.

Moi, I do hope you will continue to read, and if you have any insights, please share them. I realize that your neighbors may have been friends, and that situation may not have been easy to watch as it played out. Your response made me realize how much I actually have thought about the big picture over the past couple of months, because I could easily address all of your points raised because it’s something I had considered recently. Having said that, I do not have all of the answers. If nothing else, I can learn the type of perceptions that may be interpreted from the story of my life that I am laying out for the world to see. My goal is to be open about my life, improve my life, and not to be ashamed about any of it because I did the best I could at the time.

My Top 5

So I started to list this out, after one of my realizations some months ago, and just got around to finishing it this morning.  Hey, at least I came back to it and finished…

  1. Kids have a balanced happy childhood.  The kids are doing very well in school now.  We’ve gotten to do some amazing things as a family.  Maybe the possibility of their dad not being in the same house with them never crosses their mind.  I am not ashamed to say that I am afraid of what bringing up the possibility might mean to them.  To my younger sibling and myself growing up, it would not have been the end of the world with my parents…maybe even a welcoming possibility, but everyone is different.  My worst case, is that the foundation of family that they may take for granted is cracked, and they become anxious and fearful of change.  Also, I don’t know how this might affect their relationship with future men they meet.
  2.  Personal space and times where I can be as loud or as quiet as I need to be, and not feeling judged by what I do with my time.  I love watching that reality TV prank show “Impractical Jokers”, but it drives my wife crazy.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s one of the few things that makes me laugh out loud happy, or she just cannot take the guys’ sense of humor.  At any rate, I don’t like being vocally judged each time she comes in the room, and sees the show on.  In fairness, when we were younger, and she watched soap operas, I did something similar.  All the drama just looked weak to me, and I felt like she was using it as some type of crutch for something she may be missing.  Maybe that was one of the early signs that neither of us acknowledged?  I just NEED my space.  Like last night, everyone was going to the movies with my wife’s mom.  This may sound selfish, assholish or whatever to some people, but I really just enjoyed the time sitting there on the couch watching TV.  There are plenty of other times that we get together and do things.  If that makes me an asshole, so be it.  It’s who I am.  I didn’t hide it from anyone.
  3. I need a partner.  Someone who sees me for who I am today, not who I might be one day.  I have a twisted sense of humor and am random at times, and need someone who can appreciate, or at least tolerate this.  As far as activities that I enjoy when not at the house, I like being outside, but not really into any sports.  Someone who takes care of themselves.  Makes attempts to eat right and exercise.  Do not have to go to a gym or anything, just trying to make yourself better.  I understand if you need another person to push you on at times…so do I.  Someone who I can trust and trust with my kids.  Someone that shares a common interest in being out in nature, music or other activities.  Someone who will not feel disappointed if they do not have the newest and shiniest toys that come out, and would not be able to go to every single event that comes to town that they enjoy.  Someone who likes a neat, organized living space and work together to keep it that way.  Someone who likes to explore dirty sex.  Who is naturally hot blooded(body temp), so I can lay next to them without overheating them.  Someone who has their finances in order.  Someone who is social but treasures our time together and balances our time together.  I don’t ask much, do I 🙂 ? Some of these I see in my wife, but many I do not.  I just she is focused more on the kids than us, but she is a GREAT mom to my kidslighthouse-standing.  I do not hold the fact that ALL the boxes are not checked against her.  We have accomplished so much together over the last 16 years.  I just think we both need to change a little to see if we are still good partners today.
  4. Stable job in a nice work environment. .I got this covered already,  but need it that way, not want.
  5. To be able to plan fun things to do at least once a month without feeling strapped financially.  To be able to go out to eat at least once a week.  I don’t need or want to have my calendar booked every single weekend.  I would be interested in coming up with a budget with my partner, and deciding on what events we wanted to attend within our means.  Along with the joys of home ownership come a lot of expenses.  Throw in children, and any money you may have had left over gets earmarked for something either today or in the near future.  Maybe I need to go back to working 2 jobs again.  I did 3 jobs before, but was a dead man walking for about 6 months.
  6. OK BONUS ROUND.  Protect my boundaries and COMMUNICATE BETTER AND MORE OFTEN.  I am a laid back guy, so this one is a little challenging.  I have tended to go with the flow and avoid drama most of my life, and it has seemed to serve me fairly well.  I do not want to put myself in a box, and protect the box.  There are just some things about myself that I would like to be able to articulate better, if for nothing else to explain why something is important to me to my partner or understand better myself.  HEY, I THINK I JUST CAME UP WITH MY NEXT POSTING!!  I have articulated WHAT, now I can get into the “WHY?” .

Face to Face dreaming

So this morning, in between sleep and fully awake, I just had a picture of standing in front of my personal lightening rod (PLR there is an entire post if you have no frame of reference).  We were standing face to face in front of each other.  She had her arms around my waist, and I had my arms around hers and we were just looking into each others’ eyes, and just content with the world.  It was so beautiful in my mind.

Having dreams or whatever you call it like that are an inspiration-so amazing, but when you wake up fully, your mind goes in a twist.  I just remind myself that I am defining changes in my life, that are independent of any other human being.  I will never give up one reality because of another person.  Any change will be as a result of what I need in my life, no matter how temporary or permanent.  It is really just an inner reflection into what/who I am at the core, and standing up for that. It is also a forgiveness of any perceived lack.  Some things I can change, some I cannot (other people mainly), so I have a choice.

Better Man Better Days

So, I’m gonna try turning over a new leaf if you will.  In the news lately, there is the line “when they go low, you go high”  Well, let’s say I think I can be better.  And if I try to be better FOR MYSELF, let’s just see what happens.  I have always been a positive person, but sometimes in a relationship, your partner can just bring out the worst (sometimes on purpose).

So, I don’t walk on water myself, and to be honest there is a lot more effort that I could be putting into a lot of areas of my life.  I had the day off today and everyone else did not.  Day started off with a stupid argument before coffee had even finished brewing.  Moving past that, I got to thinking about some of the areas to work on, and did something about it this morning.  I am also adopting the attitude that if I really did not provoke anything with anyone, and they choose to be an ass, “They don’t give a damn, I don’t give a WHAAAT?”  Seriously though, I’m not wasting my energy on someone who just wants to suck my energy for no good reason.  I don’t care if it’s my house or anywhere else.

I’m focusing on the good.  Last night, I told my daughter that I was going to have lunch with her today, and take her to the book fair on her lunch.  I got to the school, and her teacher told me how excited she was, and had been talking about it all morning.  I sat with her while she ate, and then we headed down the hall to the library where the book fair was being held.  She had a couple of books picked out.  I offered to take the books with me, but she wanted to take them back to class with her.  But first, I had to take her to recess.  We walked out to the playground, and she got there before the rest of her class.  We talked for a little while before the rest of her class showed up, and then I talked with her teacher a little while before leaving the school.

My other daughter wanted me to take her to to Chik fil A on the way to school today.  Sometimes, it’s the little things.

When I have all this good stuff going on, anything negative comes across really negative to me, and I have a very low tolerance, and do not always GO HIGH.  I’ll see what I can do about that.

When you have great kids, it’s just a shame when your partner and you aren’t seeing eye to eye.  Such a drag, if you let it be.  But attitude controls your thoughts, which control your feelings, so maybe it’s time I get an ATTITUDE in the best sense of the word.

Funny thing is, I work on the phone with people all day.  A few of them are upset, and my mind is constantly working on a solution.  I don’t do that at home.  Now, I’m not gonna be somebody’s doormat, but I could probably benefit from say using the first 30 minutes that I get home to REALLY listen to everyone, and see if there’s anything I can do to assist with the situation to make things easier.  If they want to blow me off, THAT’S ON THEM.

Most of the time, on the weekends and evenings, I just want to chill out.  Well maybe I could just DO MORE.  If I’m the one to raise my own game, nobody can say shit about it.

Then, today I get an email in ALL CAPS about 1 marginally important task not completed out of many I helped with last week.  My first thought was “What makes them think they can speak to me that way?”  (And not my boss) I sent a response advising the task would be done today, and let them know about the many other items that had been addressed that were not part of our initial conversation.   We also came up with a communication plan.  I am always more diplomatic at work, but it feels good to be thinking about my boundaries on all fronts.

Anyway, we’ll see where this goes.