Ok, so this link helps someone else promote their book, but still some very good points…
Ok, so this link helps someone else promote their book, but still some very good points…
THIS POST IS THE RESULT OF A COMMENT ON A PREVIOUS POST. I wanted to give it a thoughtful answer, and by the time I finished reading my response, it really warranted an entire post.
Hello Moi, First of all thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions. You are one of a few people I have met so far here who will just tell it like they see it, good or bad. That is exactly the type of feedback I am looking for here at WP. Candy-coated words or a pat on the back when one is not warranted is not why I come here.
The first thing that struck me about your response was your opening sentence about my needing to decompress from my job. I found that interesting, because I have posted very little about my job situation, and am happy with both the job and the people I work with. In fact, the difference in my working life after a career change is part of what inspired me to look into other areas of my life to change. The post that you responded to was mainly a positive affirmation to watch myself that day because I only had 4 hours of sleep. I know myself well enough that I am more likely to say something I don’t mean when sleep deprived.
The next thing that I want to make clear is this. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Was there a time where that may have happened over the last couple of months? Possibly. In fact, in the last couple of weeks, I had a dream about how good being appreciated by someone else would feel and the ow was in the dream. I now recognize that for what it is…the need to feel close and appreciated by SOMEONE. That someone could be my wife. I know that I can’t piss my wife off all the time and expect appreciation…it doesn’t work that way. We are going to have to work TOGETHER, better than we currently do, to have a family environment that kids will benefit from. At this point, I realize that the beginning of any relationship will seem sunny and nice, and am past the infatuation phase with the ow. I have instead turned my attention to improving myself.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I am going to come here and beat myself up over my shortcomings. I am also not going to be a doormat, for someone to take an emotional dump on me whenever they feel like it. I am working on changing myself for the better, but am not going to exhaust myself giving 100% to someone who is only willing to give very little effort. And let me clarify. My wife is an excellent mother to our kids. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for them. I just feel we have lost our center and connection to one another, and I want to win that back, or realize that I gave it my best and move on. Repeat WIN THAT BACK, because I know it’s not something she is just going to GIVE me. Maybe sharing a common ground by talking more about the kids with her is a good place to start. On the other side, if we cannot meet in the middle, I don’t have to be unhappily married to my wife to be a good father to my children. We all deserve better. I do recognize that relationships have their ups and downs. Been with my wife for 16 years.
I do know couples who fall into the category that you mentioned. I also personally know many couples with children who have divorced, and are now with someone who really gets them and are much happier than their previous marriage. Sometimes, people just grow apart in ways that could never have been seen decades prior. Maybe sometimes they did see it, but were not honest about their feelings until later in life. At any rate, in my situation it is about more than two people getting along…I have my kids to think about and that is THE BIGGEST FACTOR of the equation.
This place is kind of like a diary of sorts. I post a lot of day-to-day things that may sound trivial. The reason I post them is so that I will remember them. I don’t know how much of my blog you read, but in the moment, I sometimes write about the raw emotions. This blog is anonymous, so I’m not really worried about hurting anyone’s feelings, my own included. Now, that doesn’t mean that I will out and out attack someone for sharing their story either. I do appreciate the support of other people here, and am glad to be involved in the sharing of their stories. I have learned a lot over the last 6 months. Having received support, I also enjoy providing support when I can -to either one of my few followers or anonymous posters. I don’t think anyone comes here to hear “You are right.” or “I’m so sorry to hear that, blah, blah blah.” People in everyday life will provide useless surface talk like this. In my experience, people come here for the honest, like-it-or-not, truth. If I’m wrong about something, I will admit it.
Regardless of their situation, I think most people would benefit from the quiet time with no electronics that you mentioned. Some can call it meditation, some taking a nap, or just chilling out. I also think that anyone reading should recognize the truth you stated about new relationships potentially being a temporary fantasy. Don’t let your ship get driven into the rocks listening to the sirens. If anyone wants a change, change YOU first for the best. Don’t look to someone else to provide that.
Moi, I do hope you will continue to read, and if you have any insights, please share them. I realize that your neighbors may have been friends, and that situation may not have been easy to watch as it played out. Your response made me realize how much I actually have thought about the big picture over the past couple of months, because I could easily address all of your points raised because it’s something I had considered recently. Having said that, I do not have all of the answers. If nothing else, I can learn the type of perceptions that may be interpreted from the story of my life that I am laying out for the world to see. My goal is to be open about my life, improve my life, and not to be ashamed about any of it because I did the best I could at the time.
So I started to list this out, after one of my realizations some months ago, and just got around to finishing it this morning. Hey, at least I came back to it and finished…
So this morning, in between sleep and fully awake, I just had a picture of standing in front of my personal lightening rod (PLR there is an entire post if you have no frame of reference). We were standing face to face in front of each other. She had her arms around my waist, and I had my arms around hers and we were just looking into each others’ eyes, and just content with the world. It was so beautiful in my mind.
Having dreams or whatever you call it like that are an inspiration-so amazing, but when you wake up fully, your mind goes in a twist. I just remind myself that I am defining changes in my life, that are independent of any other human being. I will never give up one reality because of another person. Any change will be as a result of what I need in my life, no matter how temporary or permanent. It is really just an inner reflection into what/who I am at the core, and standing up for that. It is also a forgiveness of any perceived lack. Some things I can change, some I cannot (other people mainly), so I have a choice.
So, I’m gonna try turning over a new leaf if you will. In the news lately, there is the line “when they go low, you go high” Well, let’s say I think I can be better. And if I try to be better FOR MYSELF, let’s just see what happens. I have always been a positive person, but sometimes in a relationship, your partner can just bring out the worst (sometimes on purpose).
So, I don’t walk on water myself, and to be honest there is a lot more effort that I could be putting into a lot of areas of my life. I had the day off today and everyone else did not. Day started off with a stupid argument before coffee had even finished brewing. Moving past that, I got to thinking about some of the areas to work on, and did something about it this morning. I am also adopting the attitude that if I really did not provoke anything with anyone, and they choose to be an ass, “They don’t give a damn, I don’t give a WHAAAT?” Seriously though, I’m not wasting my energy on someone who just wants to suck my energy for no good reason. I don’t care if it’s my house or anywhere else.
I’m focusing on the good. Last night, I told my daughter that I was going to have lunch with her today, and take her to the book fair on her lunch. I got to the school, and her teacher told me how excited she was, and had been talking about it all morning. I sat with her while she ate, and then we headed down the hall to the library where the book fair was being held. She had a couple of books picked out. I offered to take the books with me, but she wanted to take them back to class with her. But first, I had to take her to recess. We walked out to the playground, and she got there before the rest of her class. We talked for a little while before the rest of her class showed up, and then I talked with her teacher a little while before leaving the school.
My other daughter wanted me to take her to to Chik fil A on the way to school today. Sometimes, it’s the little things.
When I have all this good stuff going on, anything negative comes across really negative to me, and I have a very low tolerance, and do not always GO HIGH. I’ll see what I can do about that.
When you have great kids, it’s just a shame when your partner and you aren’t seeing eye to eye. Such a drag, if you let it be. But attitude controls your thoughts, which control your feelings, so maybe it’s time I get an ATTITUDE in the best sense of the word.
Funny thing is, I work on the phone with people all day. A few of them are upset, and my mind is constantly working on a solution. I don’t do that at home. Now, I’m not gonna be somebody’s doormat, but I could probably benefit from say using the first 30 minutes that I get home to REALLY listen to everyone, and see if there’s anything I can do to assist with the situation to make things easier. If they want to blow me off, THAT’S ON THEM.
Most of the time, on the weekends and evenings, I just want to chill out. Well maybe I could just DO MORE. If I’m the one to raise my own game, nobody can say shit about it.
Then, today I get an email in ALL CAPS about 1 marginally important task not completed out of many I helped with last week. My first thought was “What makes them think they can speak to me that way?” (And not my boss) I sent a response advising the task would be done today, and let them know about the many other items that had been addressed that were not part of our initial conversation. We also came up with a communication plan. I am always more diplomatic at work, but it feels good to be thinking about my boundaries on all fronts.
Anyway, we’ll see where this goes.