I have to start this post by saying that I am normally a pretty patient person, but right now, not so much.
I start acting in negative ways when I am not happy or stressed. When I start thinking I am not matched with a compatible partner, I feel resentful, and think I deserve better. I am taking a hard look at what I do and don’t want in my life. I do not want to be around people who, realizing it or not, are more interested in tearing me down than building me up. I no longer have the patience for people who throw fits about stupid shit, and will leave their company directly. If another adult was in my presence and I did the same, I would expect them to tell me to shut the fuck up and get over it, or come back when I was.
I am keenly aware of the difference between having an experience where you and another person have a good time together,because it’s an activity you both enjoy VS having an experience with another person where it’s their company you enjoy, and your own company is appreciated. The activity is just a nice by product. I am really interested in being in someone’s company that gets that. I think that is a big reason I was able to be distracted by this other person for the better part of this year. I was feeling ignored, and the attention I craved was being served daily. At least my eyes are open.
I do not have the patience to sit and listen to people who are worked up over current events. If it is out of your control, then why worry about it? Maybe you think about the kind of world that your kids will have to grow up in. Our parents did the same thing, and we turned out okay (well I use the term loosely).
I honestly feel like if you took me out of my current family equation, that everyone would be just fine. Maybe this is just a maternal thing, but I believe my wife would just go about raising the kids, and there may be some memories would come up from time to time. As long as there was financial support, I really do not think I would be missed here. Maybe I am wrong about this.
As far as the kids, I would still want to help raise and support them. I am proud as I see them grow, physically, socially and emotionally. There’s one thing that bugs me, and I’m guilty of this too. Even though we are all under the same roof, everyone goes off and does their own thing most of the time. I guess we’re not the poster board for family, but my kids are very successful in school and the activities they participate in. In the end, you just want your kids to have the best opportunity after you have to let them go into adulthood and independence.
I know that I have to have a more nurturing attitude that does not focus on the lack most of the time. If I focus on what’s missing, something will always be missing. It’s what I do about it once I realize this that counts. All the same, you cannot resuscitate a dead person. If I run into people or situations that are beyond my help, I need to let go rather than getting dragged down.
I just made the realization that I am trying to make the decision on whether to stay or go (not the sharpest tool in the bag). It was in the back of my mind, but it is crystal clear in front of me now. My wife and family would have a support structure. I would have nothing, and that’s okay. I always surprised myself in conditions that are unknown or challenge what I think I am capable of.
Ok, so let’s talk about timeline of my lifeline. At 48, I am probably more than half way through my life. I’m not the hunk with the swagger that is going to turn heads. If I was on my own, supporting my family, I would not have the time, money, energy or desire to stay out drinking and trying to have a social life. I would probably spend a lot of the time working and working out. I like being active, and could probably enjoy some fun runs or other similar events that benefit a charity. The mud runs with obstacles always look interesting in pictures. I wouldn’t know in real life…Who knows, maybe even meet some interesting people there.
Sex life. There’s a subject that I can’t have a two-way conversation with my wife about now. It just happens occasionally. I set a TV recording recently for “50 Shades of Grey”, and I know that she read at least part of the book when it was shared by one of her friends, but somehow it got deleted before I had a chance to watch it. On my own, I would not mind the occasionally fucking like animals until we both pass out. I would be willing to try some dirty shit, but I do have limits. For example, I get no satisfaction out of humiliating someone during sex because it turns them on. I just don’t get that. To each their own. You know what…let’s just call it good on this subject. Although regular satisfying sex is most definitely a need, it is a very small part of what matters in my life at this point.
To sum it all up, I am going to make a list of things that I need in my life. My wife doesn’t have to be a part in all of them, but there need to be some common interests. I am not talking about a list of activities that we would enjoy doing together, but if the top 5 things I need as a person she has a hard time with, that’s an issue. If we can’t foster a feeling of mutual support, then I think it will be time to go. I don’t care how poor or lonely I end up being in the process. Even the poor and lonely can be inspired and an inspiration.