Something to fight for

I would  have given anything. you gave me hope.  you gave me Something to Believe In. someone to stand beside me and take on anything.  someone to laugh with. someone to be myself wIth and not have the other person disappointed.And now that’s gone. and I wonder what I’m fighting for.

 I feel untethered and Free Falling. holding on to nothing and nothing’s holding me. part of me feels like I’m too old to be feeling this way. the other part of me doesn’t feel old at all and I just want to drink life in.

 all the purpose that I used to feel in my day. What’s that all for now? was any of that real. Did any of that mean anything?

 I will continue to work hard and do great things but without feeling like there’s any personal reward at the end of the day when I get home it’s like why am I doing this?

 and I mean yes I have 2 great kids. I just don’t feel like their mom gives a crap about me most of the time. and maybe that’s all my fault. so what am I supposed to do? 20 years of emotional trip mines. I’m bound to get blown to shreds eventually.

 I kind of feel like I need to just take my life in my hands. provide for my family but maybe be somewhere else. is this just what happens to a guy after he gets married and has kids. no not all guys.   I’m not ready to accept it for this guy.

Love Energy Clashing?

So, this post is going to be out of line with most of the other postings in my blog, but this place is where I share my personal truth to the best I am honestly able at the moment…sobeit.

The mere concept of love means so many different things to different people, yet there is only one truth.  When you use words to describe it, those symbols (the words) are at least one step removed from the truth.  But we humans have to talk about something while spinning on this rock, so why not love?  The fam is taking a trip with their grandmother and I have several days with nothing but my thoughts and maybe a few chores to do, so what the heck.

We talk about love as a bond with another person, or other times wanting to be in union with another person.  A selfless, kind and patient quality.  What if love is all of this and more, yet no one thing…a culmination all rolled into one shared energy.  People by nature will pick out the parts of what they call love that seem most harmonious to them.  I am no different, but am looking at an expanded possibility here today.

Well, about 20 years ago, I was introduced to the idea of love being an energy.  Energy?  What the heck?  That was my first thought, although it makes a lot more sense today.  Part of that concept was that love energy can CLASH.  Two people who “love each other” very much can nearly destroy each other because their love energy is clashing.  Just imagine 2 magnets in close proximity.  Now, that thought faded to the background of my consciousness for many years, yet at the moment it seems much more clear.  Some may call this a “communication breakdown”.

Now let me say that substituting the word communication for love is just not an apples to apples comparison.  If two people do not get along, people may say they are “poor communicators”.  Maybe they should go to counseling together to figure out how to communicate better.  It’s not going to help them love each other more.  No, it is merely communicating thoughts, feelings and emotions without the other partner getting inflamed (hopefully)…

Now, while I do believe that due to the fact that we all have different beliefs and personalities, that there needs to be an agreement regarding what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior when two people are in a relationship.  On the flip side, if you are constantly changing the way that you would naturally speak to accommodate your partner, it really becomes exhausting.  If you’re honest with yourself, you may have asked the question “Is this worth it?”

Okay let me bring this to a head by using myself as a real life example.  I’m going to use a very micro, dumbed-down example.  I don’t want to lose the overall concept with a simple example, but sometimes simple is the best way.  For those that may want a more elaborate, philosophical expansion…maybe we’ll come back to that another time.

My wife was talking to one of my kids about a restaurant that they missed eating at on opening day.  I was in the other room, but they sounded kind of disappointed, so I said something along the lines of “Well, in the grand scheme, it’s really not a big deal.”  The INTENT was to show the situation for what it was to minimize any disappointment.

THE REACTION was an altogether different outcome.  My wife said it was something fun to do.  Then went on to say I always take something fun and ruin it.  I started explaining that was not my intent and what I was thinking, but she was too mad to hear me, and my kid started talking to her again.  Now, I know that one of the biggest traps is problem solving for another person, especially a partner.  Have you seen the YouTube video of the couple arguing.  The woman has a giant nail sticking out of her head, and is complaining about a headache.  Her husband suggests she pull the nail out of her head, and she goes off on him.

Now, this was not something that we stayed mad with each other about and stewed, but I was really just kind of shocked at how something so simple with good intentions went sideways so fast.  Is that simply because our love energy clashes more time than it harmonizes?  Wow, that sounds really out there…even to me.  But love is a foreign language to most.  My wife and I do love each other, but in the words of Benatar, sometimes it is a battlefield.  Regardless, it doesn’t change who I AM.  In business and other social occasions, a good communicator does not have a “rubber stamp” method of communicating.  This skill takes effort to become effective.  Because we are all different, the same thing takes place in relationships at times.

Maybe it’s because I am in my late 40’s, but I really don’t care anymore about changing myself so others feathers will not get ruffled.  This has not been an easy change of mind, but it is a satisfying one.  I don’t mean this in a selfish way, but rather in a self-loving, self-respecting way.  Sometimes when you respect yourself, others think you are disrespecting them.  I have resisted the urge to make unneeded apologies, after assessing situations after the fact that caused tension.  At times, I have felt like a silent, lonely island battered by stormy seas on all sides, but I realized later that many of the waves were only in my head.  This week, I experienced a calm.  A MUCH needed change.  This came because I stayed true to myself regardless of what the outside world thought at the time.  I have taken some huge personal risks in the last couple months.  I have walked in darkness, but am finally seeing a stronger glimmer of hope.

Let me ask another question.  Do any of you have friends who seemed distressed all the time, where much of this was coming from a partner that just did not get them, causing all kinds of frustration?  Maybe they divorced, broke up, whatever, and now they are with someone they “fit” with and you see them beaming sunshine all the time.  I know 5 couples off the top of my head that fall into this “category”.  I want that in my life.  Can my wife and I be that person to each other, or will our love continue to clash because it is always expressed in a way that is not received as intended by their partner?  THAT is the question.  That’s another talk we both need to have.  Sooner we can answer the better.  I cannot life in uncertainty.  Avoidance of a yes or no, is the same as a “No” to me at this point.

Taking Stock

I have to start this post by saying that I am normally a pretty patient person, but right now, not so much.

I start acting in negative ways when I am not happy or stressed. When I start thinking I am not matched with a compatible partner, I feel resentful, and think I deserve better. I am taking a hard look at what I do and don’t want in my life. I do not want to be around people who, realizing it or not, are more interested in tearing me down than building me up. I no longer have the patience for people who throw fits about stupid shit, and will leave their company directly.  If another adult was in my presence and I did the same, I would expect them to tell me to shut the fuck up and get over it, or come back when I was.

I am keenly aware of the difference between having an experience where you and another person have a good time together,because it’s an activity you both enjoy VS having an experience with another person where it’s their company you enjoy, and your own company is appreciated.  The activity is just a nice by product.  I am really interested in being in someone’s company that gets that.  I think that is a big reason I was able to be distracted by this other person for the better part of this year.  I was feeling ignored, and the attention I craved was being served daily.  At least my eyes are open.

I do not have the patience to sit and listen to people who are worked up over current events.  If it is out of your control, then why worry about it?  Maybe you think about the kind of world that your kids will have to grow up in.  Our parents did the same thing, and we turned out okay (well I use the term loosely).

I honestly feel like if you took me out of my current family equation, that everyone would be just fine.  Maybe this is just a maternal thing, but I believe my wife would just go about raising the kids, and there may be some memories would come up from time to time. As long as there was financial support, I really do not think I would be missed here.   Maybe I am wrong about this.

As far as the kids, I would still want to help raise and support them.  I am proud as I see them grow, physically, socially and emotionally.  There’s one thing that bugs me, and I’m guilty of this too.  Even though we are all under the same roof, everyone goes off and does their own thing most of the time.  I guess we’re not the poster board for family, but my kids are very successful in school and the activities they participate in.  In the end, you just want your kids to have the best opportunity after you have to let them go into adulthood and independence.

I know that I have to have a more nurturing attitude that does not focus on the lack most of the time.  If I focus on what’s missing, something will always be missing.  It’s what I do about it once I realize this that counts.  All the same, you cannot resuscitate a dead person.  If I run into people or situations that are beyond my help, I need to let go rather than getting dragged down.

I just made the realization that I am trying to make the decision on whether to stay or go (not the sharpest tool in the bag).  It was in the back of my mind, but it is crystal clear in front of me now.  My wife and family would have a support structure.  I would have nothing, and that’s okay.  I always surprised myself in conditions that are unknown or challenge what I think I am capable of.

Ok, so let’s talk about timeline of my lifeline.  At 48, I am probably more than half way through my life.  I’m not the hunk with the swagger that is going to turn heads.  If I was on my own, supporting my family, I would not have the time, money, energy or desire to stay out drinking and trying to have a social life.   I would probably spend a lot of the time working and working out.  I like being active, and could probably enjoy some fun runs or other similar events that benefit a charity.  The mud runs with obstacles always look interesting in pictures.  I wouldn’t know in real life…Who knows, maybe even meet some interesting people there.

Sex life.  There’s a subject that I can’t have a two-way conversation with my wife about now.  It just happens occasionally.  I set a TV recording recently for “50 Shades of Grey”, and I know that she read at least part of the book when it was shared by one of her friends, but somehow it got deleted before I had a chance to watch it.  On my own, I would not mind the occasionally fucking like animals until we both pass out.  I would be willing to try some dirty shit, but I do have limits.  For example, I get no satisfaction out of humiliating someone during sex because it turns them on.  I just don’t get that.  To each their own.  You know what…let’s just call it good on this subject.  Although regular satisfying sex is most definitely a need, it is a very small part of what matters in my life at this point.

To sum it all up, I am going to make a list of things that I need in my life.  My wife doesn’t have to be a part in all of them, but there need to be some common interests.   I am not talking about a list of activities that we would enjoy doing together, but if the top 5 things I need as a person she has a hard time with, that’s an issue.  If we can’t foster a feeling of mutual support, then I think it will be time to go.  I don’t care how poor or lonely I end up being in the process.  Even the poor and lonely can be inspired and an inspiration.