So, this post is going to be out of line with most of the other postings in my blog, but this place is where I share my personal truth to the best I am honestly able at the moment…sobeit.
The mere concept of love means so many different things to different people, yet there is only one truth. When you use words to describe it, those symbols (the words) are at least one step removed from the truth. But we humans have to talk about something while spinning on this rock, so why not love? The fam is taking a trip with their grandmother and I have several days with nothing but my thoughts and maybe a few chores to do, so what the heck.
We talk about love as a bond with another person, or other times wanting to be in union with another person. A selfless, kind and patient quality. What if love is all of this and more, yet no one thing…a culmination all rolled into one shared energy. People by nature will pick out the parts of what they call love that seem most harmonious to them. I am no different, but am looking at an expanded possibility here today.
Well, about 20 years ago, I was introduced to the idea of love being an energy. Energy? What the heck? That was my first thought, although it makes a lot more sense today. Part of that concept was that love energy can CLASH. Two people who “love each other” very much can nearly destroy each other because their love energy is clashing. Just imagine 2 magnets in close proximity. Now, that thought faded to the background of my consciousness for many years, yet at the moment it seems much more clear. Some may call this a “communication breakdown”.
Now let me say that substituting the word communication for love is just not an apples to apples comparison. If two people do not get along, people may say they are “poor communicators”. Maybe they should go to counseling together to figure out how to communicate better. It’s not going to help them love each other more. No, it is merely communicating thoughts, feelings and emotions without the other partner getting inflamed (hopefully)…
Now, while I do believe that due to the fact that we all have different beliefs and personalities, that there needs to be an agreement regarding what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior when two people are in a relationship. On the flip side, if you are constantly changing the way that you would naturally speak to accommodate your partner, it really becomes exhausting. If you’re honest with yourself, you may have asked the question “Is this worth it?”
Okay let me bring this to a head by using myself as a real life example. I’m going to use a very micro, dumbed-down example. I don’t want to lose the overall concept with a simple example, but sometimes simple is the best way. For those that may want a more elaborate, philosophical expansion…maybe we’ll come back to that another time.
My wife was talking to one of my kids about a restaurant that they missed eating at on opening day. I was in the other room, but they sounded kind of disappointed, so I said something along the lines of “Well, in the grand scheme, it’s really not a big deal.” The INTENT was to show the situation for what it was to minimize any disappointment.
THE REACTION was an altogether different outcome. My wife said it was something fun to do. Then went on to say I always take something fun and ruin it. I started explaining that was not my intent and what I was thinking, but she was too mad to hear me, and my kid started talking to her again. Now, I know that one of the biggest traps is problem solving for another person, especially a partner. Have you seen the YouTube video of the couple arguing. The woman has a giant nail sticking out of her head, and is complaining about a headache. Her husband suggests she pull the nail out of her head, and she goes off on him.
Now, this was not something that we stayed mad with each other about and stewed, but I was really just kind of shocked at how something so simple with good intentions went sideways so fast. Is that simply because our love energy clashes more time than it harmonizes? Wow, that sounds really out there…even to me. But love is a foreign language to most. My wife and I do love each other, but in the words of Benatar, sometimes it is a battlefield. Regardless, it doesn’t change who I AM. In business and other social occasions, a good communicator does not have a “rubber stamp” method of communicating. This skill takes effort to become effective. Because we are all different, the same thing takes place in relationships at times.
Maybe it’s because I am in my late 40’s, but I really don’t care anymore about changing myself so others feathers will not get ruffled. This has not been an easy change of mind, but it is a satisfying one. I don’t mean this in a selfish way, but rather in a self-loving, self-respecting way. Sometimes when you respect yourself, others think you are disrespecting them. I have resisted the urge to make unneeded apologies, after assessing situations after the fact that caused tension. At times, I have felt like a silent, lonely island battered by stormy seas on all sides, but I realized later that many of the waves were only in my head. This week, I experienced a calm. A MUCH needed change. This came because I stayed true to myself regardless of what the outside world thought at the time. I have taken some huge personal risks in the last couple months. I have walked in darkness, but am finally seeing a stronger glimmer of hope.
Let me ask another question. Do any of you have friends who seemed distressed all the time, where much of this was coming from a partner that just did not get them, causing all kinds of frustration? Maybe they divorced, broke up, whatever, and now they are with someone they “fit” with and you see them beaming sunshine all the time. I know 5 couples off the top of my head that fall into this “category”. I want that in my life. Can my wife and I be that person to each other, or will our love continue to clash because it is always expressed in a way that is not received as intended by their partner? THAT is the question. That’s another talk we both need to have. Sooner we can answer the better. I cannot life in uncertainty. Avoidance of a yes or no, is the same as a “No” to me at this point.