So today on the way to work, I decided I could not take it another day. I told myself that I was going to talk to my personal lightning rod and find out how she really felt about who she was seeing.
When I got to work, there she was and I went to get coffee. I came out of the break room and almost froze but I decided it was now or never. I walked over and lay a note down on the desk asking if she had a few minutes to talk
So we get outside and she asked what’s up. this is it. I took a deep breath and told her this is not easy. Then I asked her one question. Do you love who you’re seeing now? She took a second to look at me and then said yes, so I said well there’s really nothing more to say but I owe you this.
The truth is maybe I owed myself this. I told her how I’ve been torturing myself and needed to know if this was all in my head. I looked her straight in the eye and said I fucking love you. I told her how I felt like it was kind of like I was Johnny Cash and she was June from the movie Walk the Line. I was ready to walk away from everything, then I asked her if she really really loved the person she was with. The answer was yes.
I looked her in the eye and said okay and then we had a long hug. You might think I would be upset, or sad but I actually felt at peace. I felt lighter and I could breathe easier because of weight I’ve been carrying all of this time was gone.
I started to get mad at myself for wasting so much energy on an illusion, At least part of the time it was. Then I realize that was pretty pointless to beat myself up after the fact. Next I thought about what kind of questions this raises about my life now and what I’m missing and what I can give.
So I guess this closes this chapter. I have some serious thinking to do.