So since my last post, you would probably think I am “out of the woods” regarding my feelings with my personal lightening rod ( lets go with PLR from here on out), and on the road to a better marriage with improved communication. Well, that is half true at best. I’m a mess.
I don’t know if this is part of some kind of grieving process in letting someone go that you care about, but I have gotten emotional a couple of times this week thinking about this whole situation. I laugh when I feel like it, but I don’t normally cry if I get upset. I could not hold back the river thinking I may be letting go of the person who I was really made to be with. Songs on the radio, or different things that draw my attention to her…she’s never far.
Now, part of me says this is all in my head. After all, she is seeing someone, and they seem to be getting along well. She started dating after we put some distance between us, or really because I said something because of how strongly I was feeling about her. She is single and attractive, and I don’t blame her. I just wonder if they are “happy together”, just like I’m “happy together”. There is nothing I should complain about with my life. After some tough conversations, things are better than they have been in months.
When I get to work, I feel like there is something missing from me. I just do not have the same light in my eyes. When I get home, I spend time torturing myself with things that remind me of her. We have kind of a silent communication with song sharing. The songs that have been shared lately are very divided. They could go either way.
Did you ever see the movie “Walk the Line”, the Johnny Cash movie? I feel as messed up as Johnny was over June when he was still married, but in love with her. I remember the scene where he stumbles out of his house drunk, with his family watching as he literally walks out, and walks for hours until he reaches June’s house. I feel like that drunk Johnny. I am so torn up.
I see a life with my PLR, but is that all fantasy?? Am I just torturing myself over an illusion? I’ve asked myself “What kind of man leaves a house with a wife and 2 kids?” I would not desert them. I would still be there financially and in any other capacity. I know they would be fine with their mom and grandmother, but I can see the disappointment on everyone’s faces. The chastising from other family members. My wife’s dad’s spirit punching me when I get to the other side. The financial drain. I just know that from what I’ve seen I love, and I burn for my personal lightening rod. Not in a sexual way, but in a giving your whole self kind of way. Is this the same sentiment that inspired the song “Why do Fools Fall in Love?” I am willing to be a fool for her love, and all the suffering would be worth it.
My wife tells me to do my best. My personal lightening rod inspires me to be my best. You see the difference. This goes against everything…except what my heart is telling me. Oh, my twisted fucking heart…be true to me. The truth is so stark and unforgiving. Would I know truth if it hit me in the head like a piece of wood? What do I have to offer? This can’t be all one sided. I sense that she is having trouble with this as well. I feel like I need to take her by the hand and just ask if it is all in my head, but I have to be willing to let it all go if she says it’s for real. The waiting is killing us, or at least it’s killing me.