I’m Not Angry, You’re Not Pissed

This post was started a couple of weeks ago, but when things seem to be going better, the writing is not the first activity on the priority list.  I only mention that because other posts that may be posted today or in the near future may not make sense. (Not that I make much sense most of the time)…So here goes…

Is everything going right? NO!  Are things horribly wrong? HARDLY!  In fact, the past couple of weeks, my wife and I have gotten along rather well.  So, why am I feeling like there is something lacking?  Like I’m trying to make something go right, and I’m not sure what the motivation or the reward is.

We had a night out without the kids..like the whole night.  We planned some of the evening, and left some open to interpretation.  At dinner, I wanted to ask my wife some questions to help learn who she is today. Rather than asking, I sat and thought about the time we were having and not wanting to “jinx” it.  I mean we were civil, but I remember sitting there at the table at one point and thinking “I suck, as a communicator.”  I also thought that if this was a first date we were going on, that there would not have been a second date, and I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual at times.

As the night went on, we both loosened up a little.  With a good meal in us, we sauntered around downtown in a rush to go nowhere, and not really going anywhere.  Later in the evening, we were kind of debating what to do next.  We went through different options, but neither one of us was really excited about what the other was proposing.

We ended up at home less than an hour later.  I remember that as she turned on the TV, I thought “Is this what it has come to?  We have a whole night and house to ourselves with no kids, and we are going to watch a fucking movie?”  Well, we watched the movie.  She went up to bed.  I was a little sleepy-eyed, but hanging in there on the couch.  I saw a flash, like from a cell phone screen in the dark hallway.  A little while later I came to bed.  My wife looked asleep on her side.  I crawled in the sheets, and started unwinding.  I sleep on my side, so I rolled over, and as I took a quick breath, I saw my wife’s silhouette under the sheets.  Something struck me different.  Her shoulders were bare.  She normally has a tank top on.  Ok, so this isn’t a family channel, but all the same, I’ll spare the details.  Long story short, the night ended on a high note.

We also worked together well in a couple of different situations.  For example, the next morning, we walked into a restaurant that had been remodeled and are now serving alcohol.  Neither of us drink frequently, but we both decided seconds within walking in the front door that it was going to be bloody mary and mimosas with breakfast (at 2pm).  Also, my wife masterminded this event, and I went shopping with her for some of the things needed.  She commented on how productive the day had gone, like my being there made a difference.  I was even called on to “save the day” and we laughed about the circumstances.  My wife has initiated sex on a couple of occasions since our night out. We also finished a project together.  A decoration that my wife had been masterminding for months.  Ok, I haven’t used that word in the last 10 years, and I just used it twice in the same paragraph.  So what!  This AIN’T English class. We are acting more like partners, which believe it or not, is more important than the sex…but I still can’t live without it for very long.

On the flip side, my personal lightening rod, the person that unexpectedly came into my life and had the effect of turning it upside down, is seeing someone.  If this is the first post you’ve seen, I will have to mention that there was no love making of any kind involved.  Just someone who really seems to “get me”, and who I enjoy spending time with, which is pretty easy considering we work together.  It was this person that made me take to blogging for the first time to sort out my feelings, since I couldn’t really talk about them with anyone.

Maybe we came into each others’ lives to change our “mental positions”, or state of mind, just enough to be something else to someone else : me to my wife, and her so she could meet the person she appears to be very happy with now.  There is a side effect, which is the subject of my next post.



Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

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