What is that “It” factor that draws two people together and makes them feel a bond? That invisible force that connects two hearts together? Ah, that’s just for the young and dumb, right? Some call it love, others maybe just a crush, and others may just call it temporary blindness.
Funny thing is that in the beginning, you don’t care what this person’s interests, likes or dislikes are. You just want more of the feeling you get when you are in their presence. This connection is personal, but it is also shared. Later on, you let your experiences with this person be colored by your own emotions, prejudices and personal biases. That’s when the magic starts to fade. Why do we sabotage this awesome thing?
Sometimes, it takes being in the company of others to realize what you have allowed to happen with your other half (substitute your own word here). That is exactly what happened in my case. I was woken up…shaken to the core by a “stranger” that came into my life. Stripped down to nothing but my own personal truth, and lost in this wilderness of a feeling I haven’t experienced….well let’s just say in a very long time. This never became a physical relationship, and the emotional side was never acknowledged by either of us, but it didn’t make it any less real.
This became an opportunity for me to examine my current relationship with my wife. We had allowed ourselves to start bobbing along on autopilot, and forgetting the people we were when we started it all. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to be happy? To feel connected, so that we can handle the “better or worse”, “sickness and health”, etc. After a long talk, my wife and I both made strides in our relationship, and how we felt about each other, but one talk does not changes years spent unspoken.
One day, the kids were in different places for an hour and a half. Time that was well spent. We also did some things together outside the house. We actually shopped together and didn’t hate it. We bought new bed sheets, for one. Now, these haven’t actually been laundered and put on the bed yet, but when they do, they are going to have to go right back in the washer. It’s just a rule. You get a new piece of furniture, and it has to have a house welcoming. New sheets-same thing. Hmm, so why haven’t I gone sheet shopping in such a long time? Won’t let that happen again, but I digress.
There is this spark of hope. Hope that we can begin to do more than occupy the same space, share the same routines, stop airing the same grievances. To be someone who matters to the other person. This cannot be faked well. My wife and I do not play games with how we feel. For my wife, the experiences that happen as a family exceed anything that happens between the two of us. For me, family is most important, but there can be no real family without two people who actually like each other, and enjoy each other’s company and share a connection. I need to have time with my wife where we share laughs, and times we cry. Times where when we’re away from each other we can’t wait to see each other. People will always have their differences, and there will always be annoying quirks with any partner, but life is too short not to be happy together.
I really want to do the “reset” button, but only in the sense of getting to know who my wife is today. I do not want to diminish or wipe away any history. I just need some time where we can focus on US. So far, this has been a challenge for my wife. She says trying to pretend the past doesn’t exist is not possible, even though it’s just a short time. We’re going out on a date, and I ask “What time do you want me to pick you up?” Rather than naming a time or some other comment, she says “Don’t do that.”
Don’t do what? Pretend that I want to get to know THE YOU OF TODAY? My memories have not been erased like in the movie “Running Man” Just play along. Lighten up for a second. I am accused of not having enough imagination at times. Well, that is exactly what I am asking of you right now.
I have participated in some activities that have not been my first choice, but I did that for her. So tonight, we are going out, and I think it is something we will both sincerely enjoy. I’m actually excited, and have been all week. The kids are both staying with someone, so we will have the entire night, and part of the next day. Initially, I was torn between having an honest conversation to talk more, or just having a good time date night. I have some other questions, and wanted to talk with her more about her needs, peeves, etc. and talk about my own. I have chosen to just have a good time tonight. I want to find out if there is or can be a connection between us.
You can do activities that you already enjoy with plenty of people, but you are not “allowed” to have a connection with any of them if you are married. That is reserved for your spouse. Well, if your spouse does not bring that into your life, then what’s the point? Life is too short not to be happy. We could go through life sharing experiences that can bring years of wonder, and provide dinner conversation for many years to come. Problem is, hell, I could do that by myself. I need a partner.