Mutual Evolution

Getting lost…When I feel like there’s somewhere I need to be or am headed, there is no feeling I hate more than being lost.  I know where I’m going, and this temporary loss of direction is just a barrier to progress, and pisses me off.  There have been other times where I have tried to get lost on purpose.  Get away from anything that looks familiar, until I find a new place to just experience quiet or just to see something new.  Funny thing is, in either case, you are lost for some period of time before that moment of discovery where you realize – “WHERE THE HELL AM I?”.

If you stop paying close attention to the who, what, when, where, why in your life, it is easy to end up in some remote swamp in your life.  How far in will you get before you realize either “Where the hell am I?” or “Maybe I’m far enough down this road, and I need to start getting back to civilization!”?  Sometimes, you may be able to navigate back on your own, and other times you may need someone to rescue you from you.

So here I am, almost 50 years old.  Full of energy and vigor, but waking up to the fact that in some ways, I have been set on “auto pilot” and just cruising on a path that was set at some point.  All of the controls and indicators say I’m on course, so I’m flying along, but there’s the feeling that I WANT TO DRIVE.  Yeah, go ahead and call it mid-life crisis or whatever label you choose.  The fact is, it happens to people of all ages throughout their lives at various times.  Well, it’s great to want to drive, but in what direction, and to what end?  Well, you need a map and a mission, now don’t you?

So in my professional life, I have made a change, and found a much more meaningful place, which has made such a difference in my life.  I think it’s now time to turn my attention to my relationships, which starts with my relationship with myself.

My wife and I have known each other for over 20 years now.  I’m embarrassed to say that I know a lot more about what she used to like, and who she was in previous years than I do today.  Many young people think that couples who have been married for years and years know all the intimate details of each others’ lives: can order off the menu for their spouses and can make each other feel special in ways that no one else could.  Well sorry, but for many people, that is a pile of horse shit.  Why are so many people separating after 20 years or more of being together?  I think it is, in large part, because they don’t know who the hell they are next to anymore.  They are lost.  Once they realize this, they may want to get back to some new place together, or they may want to get away from each other as far and fast as possible.  At this point, I want to get to know my wife again.  I want to start over, and get reacquainted.

In my head, it is like dating.  How do you find out about what this “new” person likes?  When you first start dating someone, you don’t necessarily get to sleep with them on the first date.  This journey is going to be no different.  I want to know who this chic is.  If she wants a second date with me.  What her interests are, and if there are any interests that we share.   One thing I already know that real first-time daters do not know is differences, and triggers we both have that set us off.  I want to be aware of those, but not focus on those at the moment.

How can I make this fun without being weird?  It’s real simple.  I’m just gonna be myself, and ask questions.  I want to be able to say and do things that make her feel special.  Yesterday, she mentioned that the AC didn’t seem to be blowing as cool.  My first reaction in my head is “Crap!  How much is that gonna cost?  Can I fix that?.  Then it is an emotional drain added to all the other things I need to be focused on.

That is not the way I need to look at this.  Hypothetically, if this was a girl I liked, and was just getting to know, this would be a reason for me to come over and spend time with her.  The only thing I would care about is that time together.  Whether I can fix it or not is irrelevant.  I can just do everything that I can.  If I can fix it, she would be happy and we would probably spend more time together (maybe she’ll invite me to stay for dinner), and if not…well at least I tried, and she can start looking for a repair guy (In this case, she may turn to her guy friend=ME=to help her find someone reputable)  Now, I don’t say this because I think women are incapable of doing these things on their own-I KNOW BETTER.  I say it because I believe that most women would want to work together with their man.  I want a woman who appreciates me and what I do, and not just EXPECTS things to be done.  I want a woman who knows that there are limits to what I can do well, and what I cannot (and when I cannot do something well, does not rub the flaws in my face, unless it is an inside joke between the 2 of us)

My wife wants to go to a botanical garden.  First reaction in my head is”UUUUGGGHH!  I really do not care that much about flowers.  Maybe you and your mom or a friend should do this.  Can’t we go hiking or something?  What do you think about riding in a “drift car”?”  Now, I get impatient when I do things that I really didn’t want to do in the first place.  I realize I don’t need to like everything she likes, but I need to change my perspective.

If we just started dating, it would be like that Luke Bryan song “Play It Again”…Whatever your thinking, that’s what I’m thinking.  Tell me what you got in mind. So, if I want to be seen again by my wife, guess what.  I will be doing some things I don’t want to do because they make her happy.

The next thing is, I am going to suggest some things that I want to do, and see if we are able to make this change a “2 way street.”

In the end, we’re going to find out if being in each other’s company is more rewarding than enduring some things together (that may not be our own personal first-choice activities).  In other words, “Are we a good fit considering who we are as individuals today?”.





Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

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