Soooooooo before my time off last week, I remember a couple of moments joking around with my personal lightening rod and some others where I could not believe the words coming out of my mouth. We have an office with the right mix of professional and crazy. I mean the WHOLE office, which is really cool. I could literally sit back and watch a show about our office for entertainment. Even in that setting, I still felt compelled to let my PLR know that I act crazy, but am not totally crazy and wanted to make sure nothing I said bothered her. She just asked if I was asking in advance so that I don’t say anything in the future, because we were cool. I just said “yes” because we were in the middle of a bunch of people that were distracted working, but did not want to draw any attention. I had wanted to take a walk and explain a little more, but neither of us had time to get away before my time off.
In actuality, I am an introverted person who loves being around excitement, and can feed off of that and have my own over the top moments.
I came back to the office after my time off with so much energy. Even though I did not do anything while I was off, I think the time spent here blogging was therapeutic because it helped to crystallize some thoughts. Everyone was happy to see me, and was glad I could come back and start making my contributions to the workload. It was Thursday before I even saw my personal lightening rod for any period of time.
Well guess what? She had a really nice date with a sweet guy, and were going out again this weekend. Good for her, and I don’t have to think about these feelings anymore, or I at least get a break. There was the little pang of jealousy. Weird. Do you know the word “Lousy” is in jealousy? At any rate, now, I have my full attention on the home front. So, if for no other reason, perhaps this person came into my life in order for me take a look at how I have been living and my current relationship.
The only thing I can think about is all of the unresolved questions from my previous post. As we head into Memorial Day weekend, this is the time to make plans do something, and be thankful for all those that sacrificed so we could celebrate, right? Not in our case. The subject has never been raised by either one of us. I got off work yesterday and went to a sporting event for my kids. My wife, her mom and sister were already there lined up in the bleachers. They were talking away, showing each other things on their phones, and I just felt like an outsider. I came in and sat a row behind them without saying hello to see if they would notice. 10 minutes went by. Cue Radiohead “Creep”
I have envisioned little scenarios where I am not in my family’s life. What does that look like? How do we tell our kids? How do my kids react? What would I miss most? How could I afford to even do that without working another job? Thinking about upcoming expenses my kids will have…car, college, etc. I have an upcoming anniversary – 16 years, so WHY?!?!?!? Why am I thinking about this? I guess I feel like if this was a dead relationship, it would kind of be like me dead – not involved, so how does life go on? In the end, I just see my situation as broke and lonely at least in the beginning. How long this lasts I have no idea. How can this be a better option than staying with my wife?
I don’t even need to be thinking these things until we finally get to talk. If she is full of regret and resentment, I think I would move on no matter how hard it would be on me personally. If we can have a good conversation, maybe I can find out some things that she is lacking and let her know what is lacking on my end. Maybe we can figure out if we both have the energy and the patience to work together. When I get home, I feel my energy level drop. The dog acknowledges me and is excited. I don’t even want to drink to mask any of this, but I have to say I am getting pretty tired of feeling this way.
With any luck, I can pry my wife away from whatever she is doing, and go for a walk and get things out in the open. I feel like such a selfish prick, and maybe that is the truth.