Questions

So, since I have not been able to engage my wife in conversation yet, the wheels will just keep turning.

Men and women are so different. It’s a wonder that we can inhabit the same planet, much less the same household.  We (men and women) frustrate the hell out of each other, but at the same time, cannot live without each other.  We communicate differently, we show appreciation differently and seem to be interested in totally different topics.  I don’t want to focus on the divisions, though.  I’d rather focus on the similarities, since these are areas that we can actually share with each other.

Men seem to respond best to appreciation shown in the form of touch, vision and most importantly feeling connected to our woman.  We appreciate all of the other things that you do for us.  You know what..I’m not all men, so I’m just going to speak for myself.  I can be a good husband, and do all the things that a good husband should do, but after a while, it starts to feel like just going through the motions if there is no desire expressed.  Maybe I do so many things that disgust my wife, that there is no desire.  If we can’t talk about it, why are we married?  How can a woman let her man go for 10 months without sex and expect him to be the man she always hoped he would be?  10 FUCKING MONTHS!!  This brings me to my first question for my wife.

I feel like there is some injury or injuries you have suffered (which I may have caused), which causes you to resent me more than liking to have me around.  Is this true?

A close second question that I have to ask, only because as a guy, I cannot process how a couple can go that long without allowing intimacy is…you guessed it.

Have you ever had a romantic affair or just sex with someone outside our marriage?  I am not judging, in fact, if it made you feel happy for a while okay…but I need to know whether you really want to be with me or you just stay because it’s safe.  So you don’t have to change your lifestyle.  So you kids don’t have to know.

I am a pretty trusting person.  I always tend to give the benefit of the doubt, but there are a couple of things recently that have raised these questions.  The first is about a month ago, we were all leaving the neighborhood together.  We came to a 4-way stop, and the other car at the stop was a guy I did not recognize who gave a big freaking grin.  My wife kept going, and murmured “Who was that?  He looks familiar?”  YEAH NO SHIT!

I know that look all to well.  It is not a look that you give a stranger.  It is a knowing smile.  Maybe it’s not sex, but there’s something more to it.  Bringing me to my next question – “Who was that guy smirking at the 4 way stop?”

The other thing that has me concerned is reading some of the posts, some ladies had to have surgery for an STD.  My wife went in for a procedure this year where they had to “Burn her on the inside”  I think a cyst has to be removed as well…I can’t remember the procedure, but now I’m wondering if there is anything to this, or just paranoia running rampant.

This is where I start to get a little crazy.  I know a woman will always protect her kids.  So if she’s not talking to me, is there some outside force that is threatening her that she doesn’t want to tell me about because she’s worried how it could affect her family?  I do not remember my dreams much lately and when I do, they rarely have people in my family. Within the last couple weeks, I had a dream that my wife was raped by one of the cable guys at our house.  It was the weekend, and I woke up with my heart racing, and my eyes bolted over to her sleeping on the bed.  I got up and made coffee and my mind raced through different scenarios.

When she got up, I didn’t even let her get coffee.  I looked her straight in the face and said “If something really bad happened to you, would you tell me even if it was embarrassing?”  She said that she would.  I went on to tell her about the dream I had with the cable guy.  “Which one?”, she asks.  We have had several guys out for problems, and I recalled a guy, and she remembered and said “That was a LONG time ago.”  She laughed and told me about a silly dream that she had.  I was relieved for the moment.  Now I really do believe that she would lie to my face to protect her kids, but I still have to ask:

“Is anyone outside our house making you do something that you feel like you cannot tell me because of what may happen to the kids or me? ” (Wife-Please don’t grapple with why I ask these questions.  I cannot come up with answers to my questions, so I am making anything a possibility.)

Ok let’s bring it down a notch.  Next question

Do you respect and like me as a person?  Why or why not?

The next question has to do with compatibility, and if we are capable of meeting each other’s needs without making each other miserable.  My parents stayed together, but there was always tension, and sometimes yelling, which affected my younger sibling and I.  We almost wished they would split, but one Christmas my dad started packing a bag.  He said he should have done it a long time ago.  My younger sibling and I were standing at their bedroom door with tears streaming down our face begging him to stay.  He did end up staying.  Now that he is up in years, he relies on my mom more, and I think appreciates her more.  we still like to visit, but I think that there is still so much conflict.  I don’t want my family life to be anything like that.  2 parents under the same roof with their kids is not always what is best for the kids.  (If this part sounds familiar, it is because I deleted my original post because it was painful to relive and I wasn’t sure I wanted it out there, but damnit I’m here to deal with it ALL)  So the question already…

“Out of 100%, what percent of my qualities do you find attractive, and what percent do you find unattractive?”  Do the percentage of unattactive qualities outweigh the attractive ones, even if the number is less?”  Trying to quantify compatibility may not be the scientific method, but it’s what I’m working with today.

Getting on with it..Next question:

Do you want to spend the next 20 years of your life with me? Why or why not?

What is more important to you-the lifestyle you have currently or being happy?  To put things in perspective, we are not well to do.  In fact, there was a span of years where we were just getting by paycheck to paycheck.  I was at a job for 12 years, and was let go and it took 8 months to get full-time work again.

I wish I would get my wife the latest coolest luxury car, and the house she REALLY wants and all the cool brand names that my kids want.  I have even worked 2 jobs at times to supplement, but only 1 full-time spouse working is not enough to provide all that in most cases.  I can imagine her laughing at the question of lifestyle, but what I am getting at is whether we are together in the same house, or we separate and she goes to work full time somewhere, and I go off broke, but not making anyone else unhappy.

On vacation, last year, we were on the beach drinking and starting a bonfire for the kids to roast marshmallows.  I don’t know even what caused it, but my wife got up and said “I’m done.”  You all can just go back with your father because I am over it.  My daughter is crying following her as she walks down the beach away from me.  I am just standing there like  – WHAT just happened? – as I watch my wife walking down the beach.  I don’t know what to say.  I start walking down the beach, and then running.  When I get closer, my wife screams at me something about my younger daughter being destroyed, and told me to get the fuck away.

To this day, I do not know what that was about.  I fell asleep on the beach in front of the bonfire.  The only words she had for me at the door were “Where you been?”

So, the last question I have for now is:

When you thought of leaving, what made you come back?

If I’m being honest somewhere in the middle of all that, I was being an asshole.  2 people do not act like that to one another unprovoked.  I NEED TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION!!

 

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Author: fight4urlover

So about me... I'm a middle-aged guy, married 15+ years with kids. I love my wife, and have never so much as kissed another woman the entire time we have been married. When we first met, we had both been cheated on, and we decided that we would not cheat on each other. I think we have both teetered on the edge. Like most married couples, over the years, we have given each other plenty of reasons to build resentment at times. So this space is a personal reflection of my journey of attempting to remain married and true. That's why I started this first-ever blog. The goal is to avoid sounding like one of those "perfect" articles of someone who sounds like they are giving advice. This all comes from personal experience or from talking to other people, married and single, and I want to keep it raw. To me that's more exciting than a well-researched topic. Everyone can relate to this on a human level. I know that guys like to get to the point, and ladies like a good story with plenty of details, so I'll try to find a balance. Strap in and let's ride!

5 thoughts on “Questions”

    1. Hi Lavender- Great question. Although a sea of toys had been a challenge for us in previous years when the kids were younger, I am pretty domesticated, so not sure it would be something she would notice. I am the one who makes the runs to the grocery store (seems like every day it’s something), unloads the dishwasher and washes the pots and pans, and I do my own laundry. Today, she got home after a meeting, and I asked if they fed her at the meeting or if she needed dinner. She had not eaten, so I offered to run up the road and pick something up for her. She definitely appreciated it. I’ll start looking for other little things that might be appreciated, and maybe help open the lines for communication.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So from what I’m hearing you do most of the domestic chores while she works ? If she doesn’t appreciate that I wouldn’t know what will. I would love if that happened to me. It’s also strange in that she refuses to open up. Usually it’s the woman who opens up and the man withdraws, isn’t that true?

        Like

      2. Actually I work full time. . All those other things are just some of the things that I take care of at the house. My wife works part-time and runs the kids all around and helps my youngest one out with homework. I gotta give my wife credit there because the amount of homework that they give kids these days is crazy, first of all. The other thing is that my daughter is not an auditory learner, but most of the time that’s how kids are taught in school they have to listen to the teacher, so if they don’t follow the lesson then they just have it laid out from the book, or something else that clicks for them. Some people joke when they say do you want me to draw you a picture, but actually that’s what some kids need to learn something. That doesn’t make them any less intelligent than other kids. it just means they learn a different way. So all of that takes a lot of time and my daughter came home with all A’s and B’s on the last report card and there’s no way that would have happened without all the help outside of school. my wife still takes care of some of the other domestic stuff like…let me put sheets on the bed..they are gonna be pulled right back off and put on the “right” way.
        I do not know what the hesitation is on opening up. Maybe the unknown. Maybe she thinks I will say something to break her heart. Maybe she has something she doesn’t want me to know. Only one way to find out.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well it seems like you both have the household work taken care of and you both work together so eliminate any problems. Does she have any health issues ? I know some females claim PM or menopause.

        Liked by 1 person

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