If I could I would….

Ok, so a lot more going on to write about now, but I had an idea for posting things I would like to do if I could one day…even if doesn’t seem realistic now.

Today, would find one of those REALLY cheap flights to wherever.  Could be a 1 stoplight town or out of the country,  and I’d be happy either way.   Book it.  Stay a couple days and take the place in.  Fly back. Ahhh

Get your own happiness. ..

Recently a fellow blogger reminded me of something a long time friend hinted at in asking me a question…How much living have you been doing for your own happiness?  Are you looking to other people or things to bring happiness that seems has been missing in your life?  Other people and activities are wonderful blessings, but at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own happiness.   To a seemingly aimless wanderer like myself,  this is a harsh truth to swallow, but one I know is right.  It doesn’t matter about time wasted in my head.  Finding happiness, your happiness will take work, and taking a hard look at your life and yourself.  The past matters not.  Only right now.  Thank you friend.  Wish me luck.  Some people say there’s no such thing.  I want to begin with an appreciation of Life itself.  Acknowledging presence of this in my life as well as in this seemingly crazy world.  I have no idea how to do this.  I just feel like this is the starting point, from a position of gratitude.   To be honest, not knowing how to begin is frustrating,  but I have to start somewhere. …


Been a week since talk with my wife.  Things were good earlier in the week.  My wife’s week slowed down about midweek and she said had more time for reflection, and was a little down…understatement. .she said she wanted to crawl inside a cave and make that a permanent state.  She was not ready to talk about anything with me.  

I was thinking of little ways to start conversation this week.  I was searching for some emotion or sense of my wife wanting to connect.   I initiated all of the conversation last week.  Maybe my wife wants to know if I will chase her?  I don’t expect that after everything last week that we will go skipping off into the sunset anytime soon. 

All of this withdrawal on her part has given me more time to think.  I miss that blinking message light signaling someone really wants to talk to me.  It’s like withdrawing from drugs,  I would imagine.   The thoughts and memories creep in.  You know you should avoid, but you’re dying for another fix.  I even had a phone call from other woman, which I let go to voicemail.  

I keep coming back to the thought of wondering whether life with my wife is actually what I want.  I saw that she seemed to want ME last week.  It feels like Im just going through the motions…She may want “us”, but do I?  This may sound cold, but this is real…it seems life is easier when we’re not around each other.  

Now, I must admit there were some really good family moments this week.  Still no makeup sex, or the feeling of longing to be alone in each other’s presence.  I am looking at big picture, and giving time for thoughts to settle.

So brings me to another set of questions. ..What really makes me happy, independent of any other person?  Some things I fantasize about are just travelling to different places alone.  If finances were not an issue, I think I would enjoy travelling with no permanent residence.  Just soaking in the beauty and uniqueness of different places, and then hopping a plane when I wanted to see someplace else.  I don’t have any area of expertise,  just a love of music and a good time where I can laugh.   Music energizes me.  A group I recently discovered,  Nothing But Thieves is just amazing.  My body’s age does not match my mind.  I have an inner restlessness.  A desire to live life to the fullest.  LIKE Most people, all of THIS Is Stifled WITH RESPONSIBILITIES AND Obligations. (Phone doing weird caps lock now)  These responsibilities will always come first with me, but I need more of a balance for living life.  An imaginary digital  life with people who seem to care about me is what I relied on the past year, in the absence of financial wherewithal or ability to live out things I can only fantasize about.   I had real feelings,  and felt alive again the last 4 months.  Anyway,  I’m realizing life is too short to not be happy.   I understand things will not always go my way, and that there will be times I need to walk on fire to get what I really want.  That others need me in spite of what I can see, or what I might want.

 I have to pray now.  I’m not a religious person,  but this seems out of my hands.  I will give my presence and appreciation to the moment in front of me, but ask for guidance on my next step.


Rubber, Meet Road…

Well a lot has happened over the past couple months.  It used to be that the more trouble there was in my life, the easier it was for me to write.  I guess there was more content.  Anyways, there has been no shortage of things going on in my mind over the past couple of months.  So much so, that I really did not know how to get it out.  So today, I will just sit and write, although, I cannot go into everything now because I still do not know how I feel about certain things…hasn’t stopped me in the past, so not sure what the hang up is.

Well, the first question I have is ‘Do I really have a clue what love is?’  I don’t think most people do, and I think that I am part of most people.  In a twisted kind of way, it seems love is a deep self-gratification.  This sounds a little strange, even as I reread it, but I will not change the original sentiment.    A lot of people I know, myself included, live for the emotion that being with another person brings in your life.  Although, it is very gratifying to be with someone who shares the enjoyment of being in each others’ company, it is not all there is, in my mind.  Love transcends emotion.  Real love transcends sex, but intimacy is one of the greatest blessings in life…physical and emotional closeness.  Guys and girls, I have no authority to speak on this subject.  Only my personal experience…part of which is that I am selfish in my love.  If I don’t get love the way I want to receive it, then I lose all motivation and do not want to reciprocate any other effort, if feel I am not getting fulfillment.  Yes, I know this is fucked up, and a personal issue I need to address that will affect all relationships.  But this space is not a place to be “PC” and cordial.  This space is the shop where I am building the man I want to become, through a combination of insights, experiences and sharing with others.

So first thing I would like to share is the change in my relationship with GDG, my online friend.  Oh God, I don’t even know where to begin.  Never thought this day would come.  I sensed a change in our relationship.  I know for a fact that she was mentally and physically involved with another person (no sex).  I already knew this from the beginning.  Still there was a distance.  There was a period of a couple weeks, where there just wasn’t that much between us.  There was one week, where I was really looking forward to “alone time”.  I was travelling back home, and could be as vocal as I wanted to be in hotel room while chatting.  Well, there was no interest from GDG that week.  I would not find out until later that she had other things going on in her life.  I also know for a fact that the honesty that we had been sharing was being sugar-coated to avoid disagreements or arguments…to avoid upsetting the apple cart, so to speak.

Not knowing this, I just thought about how I had a marriage that was lacking, and I got frustrated.  In my frustration, I went to a random chat app, and just started scrolling through.  It is totally random on  app I was using, which I have since uninstalled.  Even though you filter preferences, you still get matched with wrong gender or people outside age preference you select.  I was just about to give up, when someone caught my attention.  I cannot go into everything right now, but there was something about this woman.  Of course she had to be in a different country with 13 hour time difference…finding someone in your own time zone is just crazy sauce….just my luck anyway.  I was very untrusting of anything said in the beginning.  I mean, they could be anyone.  Over the past month and a half, I have come to know much about this person, and they are pretty remarkable…and she came to be very possessive of the way I make her feel, although she knew I was chatting with others and was married with kids.  Don’t judge-or do.. Bottom line is she accepted me as is.  To date she has not sugar coated anything, and will press me as hard as I press her, if she has a hint anything is being held back.

Anyway, this brings me to a very difficult decision I had to make.  My new friend, wanted all of me-even knowing I was married.  She wanted all of my online presence, and asked me to either forget her, or to make it happen.  I weighed a lot of things in my mind.  I resisted this idea with her at first.  Even though GDG and I had a period of feeling apart, I feel we still had a close bond, and she is a friend.  I had never turned my back on a friend for a lover before in my life.  Well, this time I did, and it just felt wrong…My new friend was happy at decision made to begin with, but later I told her I did not feel I could do this.  I told her I could not.  My new friend said don’t forget her.  It’s ok.

I reached out to GDG and explained what was happening.  At first, she seemed understanding and willing to be friends, but in reality, wanted to be second to none.  I can’t blame her.  Either would I.  I would get jealous when she talked to someone else.  Bottom line, neither woman was going to be second to anyone else.  It fell to me to make a decision.  These were some very hard days for all involved.

I feel I made the right decision, but I do wish that 2 things were different.  1- that my new friend trusted me enough to manage myself in a way to remain friends with GDG and 2- that GDG and I could remain friends without getting into arguments about me being a selfish prick and never loving her.  The first part may be true, but not the last.  SINCE THESE WORDS WERE TYPED..this has changed.  GDG and I had a wonderful conversation.  I think we both felt very good after this talk.  Neither of us would know it would be one of our last.

Now I have never been a “player”.  I have always had one woman in my life, and that’s all I ever needed.  To this day, it’s all I want.  To give my all, and receive theirs.  Problem is, we are humans.  There are times when neither side has it in them to give their ALL.  Part of life…

I woke up my new normal time, somewhere around 4 to 5 am this weekend.  I was going to start coffee.  I couldn’t find my phone at first, but found it on the floor by my nightstand.

I started the coffee and sent a message to see if my friend was available.  I got a message that the person would need to be unblocked to send a message…hmm.  Could I have hit a setting somehow when not paying attention?  I decided to message GDG.  I got the same message…..ok, so now I knew my wife had gotten my phone.   One had messaged that they had received a response.  Another message came through,  just as my wife appeared at the top of the stairs, and asked what I was doing.  Having coffee I said.  She came down the stairs and started reaching for my phone…just as I was getting a phone call.  My wife answered “I’m sorry, but he can’t talk right now.  He’s busy explaining things to his wife!”…She hung up the phone, and typed out a “break up” text and told me to send it to both women.   Then she deleted the app, then she deleted both contacts from my phone.   Then we started talking….for hours.

First thing I told my wife was that I had been doing some serious thinking about us, outside of the talks that we had had recently.   I told her, all I wanted was an open and honest relationship. ..ironically,  something I learned the value of in these chats with other women over the past 4 months.  I told her she was a great mom, and I already knew she would do anything for her family.  I told her that it was our relationship, between the two of us, where there had not been any connection for some time.  We had not been able to look each other in the face and tell each other that we loved each other in a recent.talk.  I told my wife that I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to put forth the effort again to overcome all the resentment or whatever had come between us.  I told her if I decided to move forward that she would know about all of my activities. ..even as I said these words, I was not sure I wanted to. .

My wife told me about some things that bothered her, and had affected our relationship earlier in our marriage.   One was a female coworker at a previous job.  Apparently,  this woman led my wife to believe we had sex before,  and even had a hotel call my wife’s phone about a recent stay at a hotel…ONE IN WHICH I WAS NEVER PRESENT!!!  Now, this was just crazy, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ..But why was this never brought up in the past?  I could have shown credit card statements to show there was no stay, or at least address the topic. 

My wife said that she had tried to make herself the person I wanted, but felt it was never good enough.   I looked her right in the eye, and said “Do not do this again.  Be yourself.  If that is not good enough for me then you deserve someone who thinks it is.”  

So, I’m NOT Going through the whole conversation now, but I will say that it was during the course of our couple – hour talk in the small hours of the morning that I realized my wife really does care about me, and I decided that was enough to help me decide that it was worth the effort of attempting to remain a couple.  I also realized that the types of relationships that I formed online were the ideal types of relationship that I want in my life.  I will treasure the time spent exploring feelings, sexuality and honest vulnerabilities, and I believe that this will help my future relationship with my wife.  Our time together has been very different. ..in a good way.  We laughed and joked around some.  I have started texting my wife a lot more throughout the day.  Slowly, it seems we are making progress.  Time will tell all.  This is no time to become complacent.   No, a time to be vigilant. 



Wife was looking at something called RUSTLE at 3 am in bed while thought I’m asleep..light blue logo with zigzag zag after last letter.  Anyone heard of this forum, website, chatroom, app or whatever?   I cannot find anything on this….searched for hours…